


The Strangely Familiar Midget

by samoosifer



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Depression, Frerard, M/M, Self Harm, Triggers, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-28
Updated: 2013-09-29
Packaged: 2017-12-09 18:35:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 55,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/776680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samoosifer/pseuds/samoosifer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>3 years ago, Gerard got drunk for the last time at a funeral. He had left after stopping himself from making out with some guy. 3 days afterwards he was forced to leave New Jersey and go to California for rehab. Gerard saw it as an escape from all his mistakes. During those 3 years he didnt speak a word to his family or friends. Life for Gerard was pretty average. He missed his Mom, his brother and his friends. So after 3 years, he is finally back. Everything seems normal until he buys a coffee from a strangely familiar midget. Is the result of one of his mistakes back to haunt him? Or is this his one chance to finally redeem himself?</p><p>It's been 3 years since Frank's godfather, the only relative of his to actually care about him, has died. With his girlfriend leaving him two days after the funeral for making out with a a stranger, Frank has been left feeling lost and alone. He barely makes it by with his shitty paying job and is on the brink of losing the will to live. But what happens when the one person that was able to distract him from Greg's death turns up? Will he hide from him? Or seek the help he so desperately needs from him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own any band members, dead or alive, in this fic. Any other characters are mine completely pls dnt sue

3 Years Ago

Have you ever been to a funeral? I hadn't until now. This was the first one I had ever been to. I dont think they're meant to be this awesome. I'm supposed to be saying goodbye to my old art teacher, Greg. Not making out with his godson. It wasnt like I didn't care about Greg, I loved him in school and afterwards with the private art lessons. We had technically already said our goodbyes at the cremation. Besides, I was way too drunk to care what other people thought and this guy was fucking hot. I only knew 3 things about him:

1\. His name was Frank.  
2\. Greg was his godfather.  
3\. He liked my Misfits shoes.

Its not much I know but hey, at least I know his name. It doesnt really matter though. I'm not gonna remember any of this in the morning anyway.

I first saw Frank at the end of the service kissing Greg goodbye, dripping red and black tears into the coffin. I had already had a couple of drinks before hand so I wasnt thinking straight when I had thought the crying midget was hot.

He was wearing a black suit with a red tie and before his tears had ruined it, his eys had been covered in red eyeshadow and coal black eyeliner. He had a flat black mohawk with the sides of his head dyed red. In short, he was gorgeous. He was a head shorter than me and right now, the zing of cold from his lip ring on my collarbone was enough to make me come.

In the back of my head I knew I had to stop before it went too far. Frank couldn't be like the others. Not when he was so vulnerable like this. There was something about him that was different to the others. If he ended up the same as the others, I would never forgive myself and I had no idea how to explain it.

"Oh fuck Frank."I gasped as he palmed me through my black skinnies.  
"You feel so good."Frank breathed onto my chest. I hadnt even noticed him undo my shirt. Frank slowly sank to his knees, his eyes connected with mine, and slowly undid my belt buckle.

"No."I whispered. Frank's fingers froze and he raised an eyebrow at me. It took every ounce of me to step to the side, away from him. We were in Greg's art room at his house. The room where I had last spoken to him about my painting. Thinking back now, I wish I had said something more than,'I'll bring you a new one tomorrow' to him as I left. I think someone had started to come in while we were making out but given the fact that we were in plain sight of the doorway, they wouldnt have stayed long. Frank had me up against the very desk I sat at for my lessons.

"Whats wrong?"Frank asked quietly. He stood back up and watched as I moved further away from him.  
"I cant do this again."I mumbled through my hands,"Not to you. You're too vulnerable. I dont want to do this. Not again. You cant be like the others. Not you."  
"Gerard what are you on about?"He looked at me curiously through his bangs. I ignored him and did up my shirt. The alcohol made the buttons merge together, making it difficult.

"I'm- nevermind. I need to go."I looked at Frank longingly for a second before turning around into a table with paints covering the surface,"Fuck."I muttered. I staggered around it and left Frank alone. I spotted Greg's wife talking to another woman and dragged myself up to her, mumbled a consolation and thanks, then went home. As soon as I got home I went straight to bed, ignoring the looks from my brother Mikey and my Mom.

*

"Fuck."I groaned. Flashes of a red tie, black hair and a silver lip ring passed in front of my eyes but the only thing I could make of it before the headache set in was that once again, I had gotten too drunk and slept with some guy who probably didn't deserve to be treated like that. I lay in bed for an hour after taking painkillers, waiting for them to kick in. With a heavy sigh I rolled over and reached under my bed. I felt around until my fingers grasped the cold glass of my bottle of whiskey. I took a swig and put it back.

"Gerard?!"Mom's voice pierced the blissful silence and my head. I slowly stumbled out of bed and over to my mirror. I was still wearing my shirt and jeans from yesterday. A flash of cold on my collarbone made me groan and run my fingers through my hair, messing it up more than fixing it. Who the hell did I screw last night?

There was a knock on my door, pulling me out of my muddled thoughts.  
"Fucking what?"I sighed as I opened the door. Mikey was standing there, staring at me with a weird look on his face.  
"Um. Come with me,"He glanced down the hallway as a door shut.  
I glanced back at my bed and with a regretful sigh I said,"This better be fucking worth it."  
"Trust me, it's worth it,"Mikey grabbed my arm and tugged me down to the kitchen.

At the table Mom and Pete were sitting down drinking coffee.  
"What's this abo- hey!"I pushed Mikey away and sat down myself,"I don't need your help. Now tell me what's so important?"I glared at them as Mikey shut the kitchen door.  
"An intervention,"Mom said quietly.  
"A fucking inter- are you kidding me?! You've tried that before and it didn't work. You know why? Because I don't need one! I don't have a fucking problem for fucks sake!"I shouted at them. I went to stand up but immediately Mikey was there to stop me.

"Last time we made mistakes. Said the wrong things,"Mom rubbed her face and pinned me in my seat with a heartbreaking look.  
"We're not gonna make the same mistakes again, Gerard,"Pete said seriously. I looked from Mikey to Pete to Mom,"What are you gonna do this time?"  
"In two days you and Mom are flying to California. Mom has put you into rehab,"Mikey said over the top of me.

"You can't make me go. I won't be here,"I growled. I slapped Mikey's hands away from my shoulders and stood up. I yanked open the kitchen door and stepped into the hallway to see Bob, a guy I never really liked that much anyway, step away from my door,"Bob? What the fuck are you doing here?"I asked as I walked up to him.  
"Gerard get back here! I'm not done talking to you!"Mom said behind me.  
"No. I'm leaving. For good this time,"I eyed Bob suspiciously as I walked into my room. He was just standing there awkwardly.

Mom followed me into my room and said,"Is it done? Good. Lock us in."  
"What do you- No!"I grabbed at the door but it was too late. Bob had locked us in. I pounded on the door and rattled the handle,"Open the fucking door!"I screeched. I spun around to face Mom who was waiting patiently on my bed.  
"Gerard sit down and and talk,"She said calmly.

"Fuck you! You have no fucking right to do this! What are you gonna do? Lock me in my room for two days? Manhandle me onto the plane?"I raged for about three minutes straight. She just sat there silently, waiting. When it seemed I had run out of steam I sat down on the other side of the bed with a sigh.  
"Gerard. You are my son. I love you. I will not sit by and watch you destroy yourself like this.  
"But I'm not-"  
"You've said your bit. Shut up. It's my turn."

The bed tilted as she did something. I heard bottles clink together and had a mini heart attack.  
"Look at me, Gerard. You think this is normal?"She was holding up three empty whiskey bottles, one empty bourbon bottle, and my half full whiskey,"Gerard this is just your bedroom. God only knows how much you drink out of the house,"She dumped the bottles on the bed and came round to sit next to me,"You have got to sort yourself out."

I looked at her and said,"What are you gonna do then?"  
"You're not coming out of this room until Doctor Williams and his muscle get here."  
"Doctor who? Mom, this is ridiculous! I need a drink,"I muttered. I grabbed the half empty bottle and unscrewed the lid, keeping eye contact with my Mom as I drank most of what was left.  
"I hope you like your room, Gerard,"Her voice shook as she said it, tears threatening to break free from her eyes.

She got up and walked to the door.  
"You can't just keep me- in here..."I sighed as I heard the door lock from the outside. Fucking Bob. He had no right to change the locks around. I went to my window and howled in frustration. There was a padlock on the outside.  
"What the fuck?!"I shouted and kicked the wall angrily.

I sat down on my bed and drank the last mouthful of my whiskey and threw the empty bottle at the wall, smiling as it shattered everywhere with that loud smashing sound. I got down on my knees and looked under my bed for more alcohol.  
"Holy shit..."I murmured as I took in the seven or eight empty bottles in the centre of the floor space,"Maybe I do need to cut back a bit,"I sighed. I lay down on the floor and stared at the bottles.

I had started drinking heavily after Dad had died. I was sort of over it now but I was having too much fun. Almost every night each week I would go out, get extremely drunk and find some guy to sleep with. It wasn't healthy. Living in the small town of Chesterson in the shitty state of New Jersey did not help either. I couldn't walk down the street without getting a glare from at least one guy. Maybe going away for a bit would be good. Maybe.


	2. Red and Black and Cold Silver

_Present Day, December 1st_

"Thank you,"I waved to the cab as he drove away from the curb. I turned around and looked up at the house. Three years since I had been dragged away from here. Kicking and screaming the whole drive to the airport. I shuddered as I remembered accidentily punching Mom in the face as the security guard from the rehab had dragged me out of the car. I pushed the memory out of my mind for good and walked up to the front door of my childhood home. I was sweating profusely despite it being the first of December, and I was quite literally shaking in my boots. I took a few deep breaths in, letting them out slowly, and knocked on the door.

There was some yelling inside, definitely Mom yelling at Mikey to get the door. I was shocked to hear a dog bark loudly and start scratching at the door. Jesus, they got a dog?  
"Yeah alright Mom I'm getting it!"I heard Mikey yell from just behind the door,"Down Arya get- Mom! Can you please get Arya?! Whoever you are I'm sorry. Just trying to get rid of the dog!"  
"Uh- take- take your time!"I called back. Another minute later, the door opened.

"Sorry about that I-"He froze, mouth hanging open and eyes wide.  
"Hey,"I gave a small wave and a smile and took in how much taller Mikey was. His hair was different too. All black instead of his mousy brown. And he had a fringe.  
"Mom!"Mikey shouted suddenly, backing away and turning down the hall to go into the lounge. I wasn't too sure what I should do so I just stood there, putting my bag down next to me. Why was it so fucking heavy anyway? I barely had any possessions.

"Oh my god..."Mom was suddenly in the doorway,"Gerard!"She screeched and hugged me tightly.  
"Mom,"I sighed into her hair. She squeezed me even tighter as she broke into tears.  
"Why didn't you say you were coming back? Why didn't you call at all?"She sniffed.  
"I wasn't allowed,"I lied,"When I got out I wanted to surprise you,"I let go of her and looked at Mikey over her shoulder, standing awkwardly in the hallway.  
"Do I not get a hug?"He asked slowly, looking down then at me through his new hair style.  
"Of course you do,"I smiled widely and practically flew at him.

"I missed you bro,"He whispered into my hair.  
"I missed you too,"I mumbled. A huge part of me was regretting not calling them over the past three years spent in rehab and working in a comic store but every time I had told one of the workers at the hospital that I wanted to use my call time or  whenever I picked up a phone, I hadn't been able to actually dial the numbers.

"So what happened? I know you got out after a year and a half, the doctors called to let me know. How was California? Come sit down and have a coffee,"Mom gushed and dragged me through the front door and into the lounge. The couches and TV had moved from when I had last seen it but otherwise it was still the same old living room I had played with Mikey in when we were little. The rug was still there, worn and frayed. There was still a stain in the corner from when I had spilled spaghetti. The memories were still there.

"Mom just-"  
"Go get some coffee, Mikey. Gerard, wait til your brother's out here before you talk. Oh! I'm so glad you're back!"  
"Mom calm down!"I shouted and grabbed her arms to steady her.  
"Sorry sweetie but-"  
"Don't apologise. Don't you dare... I'm the one who needs to do that,"I said quietly as I sat down on the squishy red armchair. A film of tears covered Mom's eyes as she sat down on the couch opposite me.

"Mikey! Get in here!"Mom called suddenly.  
"But I'm not done yet!"He replied, clattering mugs onto the counter.  
"I don't care Mikey just come here,"I called.  
"Your brother has something he needs to say now get in here before I drag you in here myself,"Mom said in the voice that she only ever used if you had done something to seriously piss her off. It was a voice to be scared of it. Obviously it still held its scary factor because I heard Mikey swear, thump something down, and come into the lounge.

"What?"He sighed and leaned against the door frame. I tucked my legs up underneath me and looked down at my shaking hands.  
"As soon as I was sober... I- I started thinking of how I could say this but sorry just didn't seem enough... Never the less, I am sorry. For everything. Now that I'm better, I'm ready to make amends. I cannot begin to explain how terrible I feel for what I put you guys through. Especially, I was too angry to say it at the time, but Mom. When I accidentily punched you at the airport? I- hate that I did that to you. I'm sorry."

I looked up at them finally. Mom was crying of course and Mikey looked like he was trying not to cry.  
"It's good to have you back, Gerard,"Mikey croaked, proving that the tears were threatening to break out,"Just gonna grab the coffee,"He muttered and left.  
"Give me a hug, Gerard,"Mom sniffed. I got up and sat down on the couch next to her, wrapping my arms around her neck tightly.

"So what did you do in California for a year and a half?"Mikey asked as he set down two mugs of coffee. I eagerly grabbed one and took a mouthful, ignoring the heat as Mikey left and got his drink.  
"I got a job at a comic store and basically just saved my money. I took a night art class that was twice a week. Made a few friends. Just... Lived really..."  
"That sounds pretty good,"Mikey sat down in the seat I had just vacated.  
"It was nice. But eventually I knew I had to come back here and at the store where I worked the manager told us in a meeting that business wasn't good and they had to let someone go so I volunteered so I could come back here."

"Well I'm happy to hear you sorted yourself out Gerard. And I'm extremely happy you're back home,"Mom stood up with her coffee,"But I need to leave for work. They changed my shifts so I'm working nights now."  
"Still working at the hospital then. Thats good to know,"I smiled,"What about you Michael. Still playing video games with the guys?"  
"Basically. But I also get to play video games for a living. I work in a store and I'm always on the floor tidying shit up but mostly, demonstrating how a game works,"He winked at me.  
"Thats fucking awesome."  
"Damn straight."

Mom finished her coffee, leaned down and gave me a big kiss on the cheek before grabbing her keys from the coffee table and leaving.  
"Try and clean up a bit will you? Love you!"  
"Bye Mom!"We yelled in unison. Mikey and I sat in silence before he got up, sat down in front of the television and turned the X-Box on.  
"What are we playing?"I asked as he threw a controller at me.  
"That zombie one you bought me,"Mikey muttered.

"Oh good. I need to catch up on kicking your ass,"I said as the game powered up and Mikey sat down next to me.  
"Yeah yeah. Whatever,"Mikey muttered as a new game was started. Within seconds Mikey was down to one life.  
"One life already! You must have gotten worse while I was- fuck you,"I growled as Mikey literally stabbed me in the back.

This game was one of my favourites. It was a complete fight to survive. While fighting off zombies, you had to kill other players so that the zombies feasted on their brains instead of yours.You started out with three lives and you gained one if you killed three zombies in five seconds or something. At the moment, I had five lives and Mikey was down to his last.  
"Seriously, I don't think I've ever seen someone suck so much,"I grinned as I shot Mikey down and won.

"Alright fine. You win,"Mikey dumped his controller in defeat as his side of the screen oozed blood and left the words 'game over'.  
"Look at that I'm second on the- score... board..."I trailed off, staring at the high scores in horror,"Who the fuck is Ali and where are all my high scores?"I growled as I punched in my initials.  
"That would be my girlfriend. Alicia,"Mikey snorted,"She's better than you."  
"You have a girlfriend?"I turned and looked at him.  
He nodded,"Met her at work. She's funny, kind, hot and she likes video games. A.K.A, my soulmate."

"I want to meet her,"I stood up and followed Mikey into the kitchen with Mom's empty mug.  
"She's working til five today but she's actually coming over for dinner tonight so you're in luck,"Mikey dumped the dishes in the sink and leant against the bench to watch me look around in wonder. The walls had been painted a nice dark blue as opposed to the horrible mustard they used to be.  
"Awesome. How long you been dating? And how much of the house have you guys changed?"I asked, motioning for him to follow me so I could explore.  
"Almost a year now. And a lot."

"How much is a lot?"I muttered as I peeked into Mom's room. It was still the same set up but the carpet was new and the walls were painted a pale green to match the bedspread. I closed the door and looked at the closed door to my old room. I wasn't sure if I felt ready to go in there after all this time. The last time I was in here I had been screaming about how much I hated them all.  
"Your room has had a big make over,"Mikey said quietly. He moved in front of me and opened the door,"It was the last one we tackled after everything else."

"Oh wow..."I stepped into the room, shocked by how different it looked. The carpet had been replaced with a plush forest green one and the walls had been completely done. They were now a nice yellow colour that you could tell would have been hard to find. My old bed was gone and had been replaced with a new wooden four poster bed complete with green curtains. The drawers had been replaced with a matching set and my old mirror, covered in band stickers, was gone and had a nicer smaller one with an ornate frame in its place. The only smell was of some sort of sweet smelling air freshener and a faint smell of paint. No smell of vomit, piss or alcohol.

"It looks amazing..."  
"Mom, Alicia, Pete and I did it. Come check out my room,"Mikey dragged me out suddenly. He pushed me through his doorway. The walls were all black except for one purple wall. The carpet was white but Mikey had a new rug that was also purple. He still had his old double bed but it had moved out into the open instead of having it aginst the wall. On one of his bedside tables was the usual stuff I was used to seeing but on the otherside were things that very obviously, belonged to a girl. I walked over and stared down at them,"Pretty serious then."  
"Look above the bed,"Mikey said. I looked up and saw two purple handprints, one smaller than the other one.  
"Thats sweet,"I turned and smiled widely at him.

"Look at me like that all you want but I'm happy,"Mikey shrugged his shoulders and left. I took one last look at the handprints, ignoring the stab of jealousy, and left Mikey's room.  
"Do you think Mom will be okay with me moving in with her until I can get a job and an apartment?"I asked as I dragged my suitcase down the hall.  
"Dude. I still live here. She'll be fine,"Mikey called from the kitchen through a mouthful of food.  
"Yeah but you're only nineteen. I'm three years older than you and given everything I put her through, I think it's only right."

"True... I'm sure she'll be fine, Gerard. The last time we saw you, you told us you hate us and punched Mom. That was three years ago. She's just glad to have you back not drunk."  
"But still,"I muttered as I pulled open the closet. One of the shelves held all my CDs. Another my books and another held me DVDs. Most of my old clothes were gone but a few tops and jackets were left along with a pair of shoes that had been signed by the members of Metallica.  
"Mom threw out most of your clothes but I made sure she kept your band shirts, favourite jacket and the shoes,"Mikey alerted me to the fact that he was behind me.  
"Thanks,"I muttered as I opened my suitcase and started pulling clothes out.

"I uh- I called the guys. Told them to come hang out."  
"The guys being...?"  
"Ray and Gabe. Bob's at work and Pete's at uni."  
"Whoa Pete went to university? And who the fuck is Gabe?"I asked, putting clothes on coat hangers.  
"Oh, this guy I met at work. He used to be friends with Pete in third grade. Then he moved away but now he's back and I work with him,"Mikey said happily.  
"Cool. How long til they get here? And did you tell them I'm back?"  
"Pfft. Nope. You can scare the shit out of them."

I picked up a top and dumped it back in my suitcase with a groan,"I can't be bothered unpacking."  
"So do it later. And shut up. Ray and Gabe are here,"Mikey said from the hallway. I listened closely as the front door opened and the sound of Ray's voice reached my ears and a much deeper voice started talking.  
"The X-Box is set up just put a game in. I'll get us some drinks,"Mikey shouted.  
"Alright! Which game am I kicking your butts with today?"The deep voiced guy who I assumed was Gabe chuckled.

"Dude. You ready?"Mikey poked his head in my door, a stupid grin on his face.  
"As ready as I'll ever be,"I sighed. I felt nervous at seeing Ray. I didn't know Gabe so I didn't give a crap about him, but the last time I saw Ray I had cursed him out and said some very nasty shit.  
"Don't be nervous. Ray will forgive you. He knows what addiction is like. You do remember his older brother went through the same thing right?"  
"I know I just- what I said..."I sighed, getting up and walking over to him.  
"Oi! Where are these drinks you promised us, Mikes?!"Gabe yelled.  
"Yeah yeah I'm coming!"Mikey grumbled,"Gerard, it's Ray. Just make sure you say sorry and that you didn't mean it. You know he'll forgive you."

"Hurry the fuck up! I didn't come here to yell at you!"Ray laughed,"Dude I'm totally kicking your ass."  
"I'm fucking coming! Jesus christ you didn't actually come here for drinks anyway. Fuck,"Mikey rubbed his face,"Come on."  
I took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly to brace myself, then followed Mikey down the hall into the kitchen.  
"I'll bring Ray's drink and mine. You take yours and Gabe's,"I grinned. Mikey nodded and grabbed two drinks from the bench and left.

"Dude where's my drink. What kind of shit waiter are you?"I heard Ray say.  
"They're coming. Calm yo tits, dude,"Mikey retorted.  
"Yeah, who's bringing them?"Ray asked as I walked into the lounge, holding our drinks.  
"Me,"I spoke up. Ray's and Gabe's head's snapped to look at me in the doorway.  
"Who's this?"Gabe smiled at me. He had short floppy brown hair and even when he was sitting down you could tell he was tall as shit.  
"Holy fucking shit dick,"Ray stared at me, his mouth hanging open as I set our cokes down on the coffee table and looked back at him.

"Uh... What's up?"I shrugged my shoulders. Ray didn't say anything, just staring kept staring at me. I glanced at Mikey who was staring at Ray with a look of amusement,"Dude stop staring you're creeping me out."  
"Fuck I-"Ray blinked at looked at Mikey's grinning face. Gabe just looked confused. Ray stood up and took the two steps to get in front of me, pulled his fist back and socked me in the jaw.  
"Ah! Fuck! Jesus christ!"I clutched at my face, staggering backwards to get away from him,"What the fuck?!"  
"Ray what the hell?"Gabe looked at us in fear.

"You fucker,"Ray uttered out. He walked towards me, backing me into a wall,"You complete bastard,"He smiled and grabbed my shoulders to pull me into a hug. I froze for a second before relaxing into the hug, almost choking on his crazy hair.  
"You didn't have to hit me,"I said when he let go of me.  
"Uh, yeah, I did. Don't worry though I won't hit you again,"Ray said as we sat down,"Mikey hook up two more controllers would you?"  
"Why do I have to do everything?"He grumbled, shooting us glares as he got up and did it anyway.

"So what's up?"Ray asked as we all started killing zombies.  
"I- well. I got out of rehab a year and a half ago. Got a job at a comic store. Started a night art class. When my class finished I started thinking about coming back home. My boss said that business wasn't good and they had to let someone go so I volunteered so I could com back here,"I said, doing my best to fight off about ten zombies.  
"So would that be them firing you or you quitting?"  
"Not sure... I guess... Both in a way. Mikey are you even focused?"  
"Shut up."

Just as Mikey got game over, a doorbell rang. When did we get a doorbell?  
"Mikey you can answer it because you're dead,"Gabe laughed as he shot me.  
"Fuck you all,"Mikey sighed and got up. He drank the last of his coke before getting up and leaving the room.  
"Hold on, shush,"Gabe paused the game and stared at nothing. I could just imagine his ears perking up underneath his hair.  
"What are we-"  
"Shhhhhushshsh,"Gabe flapped a hand in my direction as Mikey was suddenly talking over the top of a girl.

"Awesome. Alicia's here,"Ray sighed,"Better finish the game up because she'll want to join us probably."  
"Why do we have to rush to finish?"I asked, barely taking notice of Ray and Gabe killing me til I got game over.  
"Well you're out. It's fun to play against Alicia. Trust me,"Ray nudged me,"Move over."  
"But I-"  
"Move! I need a better spot!"  
"Jesus christ,"I got up as Mikey lead a sobbing girl into the lounge, his arm around her comfortingly.

The TV clicked off and we all looked.  
"It's not fair!"She wailed. Mikey looked perplexed as to what he should say. Instead he just pulled her onto his lap and held her tightly, murmuring something in her ear. I looked at Ray and Gabe for a clue about what the hell was happening but they both just shrugged at me.  
"She was fired,"Mikey mouthed to us. Oh. It took a few minutes before she was able to calm herself down enough.

"Babe, what happened?"Mikey asked quietly.  
"I- I yelled at a customer again. I know it's my own fault but its still not fair. This guy was making fun of my scars and I just gave in and yelled at him,"She sniffed,"And now I feel like shit not only because I lost my job but because of what he said and I just-"Alicia looked up and she changed the direction of her sentence,"Mikey as much as I know and like your friends, can we talk in your bedroom?"She sniffed.  
"Of course. I won't be long you guys,"Mikey stood up, keeping his arm around her waist as they walked out and into Mikey's room.

"So that's Alicia."  
"That's Alicia,"Ray agreed.  
"Mikey really likes her?"  
"Loves her. They said the big words on their six month and they gave us something to make jokes about that night,"Ray winked at me.  
"Dude did Mikey- oh my god!"I grinned,"Didn't think he had it in him."  
"Neither did we,"Gabe sniggered,"Alright lemme finish kicking your butt Raymond so Alicia can come out and kick both of our butts. You know she'll want to as well."

"Yeah, yeah. You're all talk, Angel,"Ray retorted.  
"I told you not to call me 'Angel' jesus christ,"Gabe grumbled. To prove how much the name irked him, he shot Ray dead and won.  
"Alright no need to kill me over it,"Ray sighed, stretching into his seat.  
"So who are you?"Gabe turned to me suddenly, making Ray start laughing.  
"Oh. I'm Mikey's brother."  
"I didn't know he had a brother."  
"Yeah he kept pretty quiet about you actually. Bob, Pete and I are basically the only ones who know what happened on those days."

I swallowed whatever I had been about to say as a wave of shame washed over me. Had I really been so bad that Mikey had been ashamed to talk about me in anyway? I brushed the thought aside as Mikey returned alone.  
"She's pretty cut up so I'm making us some coffee. You guys want some?"He asked.  
"Yeah I could go for some,"I sighed, grabbing my empty glass and shoving it at Mikey before sitting back down.

"Do you want any help sweetie?"Alicia called from down the hall.  
"Oh no its fine,"Mikey called back. The only sound came from Mikey in the kitchen and Ray texting on his phone at the speed of light.  
"Sorry about that guys,"Alicia sighed, almost literally appearing in front of us. She sat down in the airchair and pulled her feet up onto the couch. Wrapping her cardigan around her tightly.  
"Nah it's fine. Did Angus yell at you?"Gabe asked.  
"Yeah. And you know how he is when he gets angry,"Alicia sighed, wiping away tears as her eyes fell on me,"Who- who are you?"

"Mikey's brother,"I muttered. Even though it was completely his choice, I was still a little pissed off he hadn't at least told people he had a brother.  
"Oh! I thought you were in California?"  
"No I uh I came back today. Surprised Mom and Mikey,"I smiled as Mikey came in and sat a coffee in front of me and handed another one to Alicia.  
"Aw that's nice. I'm Alicia, Mikey's girlfriend,"She smiled widely, lighting up her small face.

I hadn't gotten a proper look at her earlier but now that she was looking at me and wasn't crying I realised Mikey wasn't joking when he said she was hot. I wasn't bothered by girls at all but this girl was gorgeous. Her long hair was black with purple streaks and she had a lip ring as well. From what I could tell, she was wearing a Ramones shirt so I could tell why Mikey was with her.  
"Yeah he told me. I'm Gerard,"I smiled.  
"I know. He told me,"She winked as she moved over for Mikey when he came in with his coffee.  
"Bob's getting picked up by Pete and then they're coming here."Ray said, looking up from his phone finally.

"Awesome. Did you tell them Gerard's here?"Mikey asked.  
"Of course. It was the only way I could persuade Pete to give Bob a lift here and back."  
"Damn, he could have scared them or something,"He sighed.  
"Tough shit. Come on, Alicia, you wanna kick some zombie ass?"Ray asked.  
"Fuck yes,"She sighed as a phone started ringing.  
"God dammit. What does she want now?"Gabe grumbled as he stood up with his phone,"You guys play. I've gotta take this call."

"So I noticed that you beat all of my scores. Looks like I've got my work cut out for me,"I said as the game started up.  
"Damn straight,"She giggled,"It only took me a couple of hours to completely clear 'GAW' from the board. Too easy."  
"These guys have told me how good you are and how you always beat them but that doesn't mean much considering they suck. I think you're gonna have to prove that you don't suck."  
"Proof enough for you?"She said smugly as she made Mikey get game over, killed me and scored herself a life. Jesus fucking christ.  
"Mikey? I finally have some proper competition. Don't ever let this girl go,"I grinned, feeling the competitor in me wake up.

Barely three hours back and I was already playing video games with them like when we were in high school. It was as if the four years between the end of high school and the day they locked me in my bedroom didn't happen. The thought made me feel warm and bubbly inside. I only hoped it would be the same out in the public where the possibility of a one night stand from years ago remembered me. That had never been a good road to go down in the past and people in a town like this don't forgive and forget as easily as my friends and family do.

*

"I don't have enough dinner for them all. No. They can't stay,"Mom said firmly. Mikey's face fell. Mom slammed the fridge shut and looked at us,"I barely have enough for the unexpected Gerard. What makes you think I have enough for every single one of your friends?"  
"They aren't my only friends,"Mikey mumbled. I snorted into my coffee and looked away as Mikey scowled.  
"Mikey you know what I mean. Go and send them home,"Mom sighed as she started chopping up carrots.  
"Fine,"He sighed and left,"Oi pricks get out of my house!"

"How was your day?"I asked Mom, grabbing a knife and joining her side.  
"It was okay."  
"I'm glad they let you go home early because of me."  
"Well Josie knew what happened so she was happy to cover for me,"Mom yawned.  
"How is she?"  
"Good. Her and Ralph just got married. You remember Ralph right?"  
"Yeah, yeah he was Dad's best friend right?"  
"Yeah!"Mom exclaimed as Mikey and Alicia walked in.

"What's this?"Mikey sighed, sitting down at the table and pulling Alicia into his lap.  
"Gerard remember's Ralph."  
"Oh right. Oh I saw him on my way home from work the other day,"Mikey said.  
"Did you talk to him?"  
"No he was walking in a rush up Symond Street on the other side of the road."  
"Symond Street? What day was this?"Mom stopped cutting veges and looked at Mikey.  
"Uhhh... Tuesday? Or wednesday. Definitely one of those."  
"Josie said he was working late both those nights... What time was this?"  
"Around six. After I finished work."

Mom stared at Mikey, processing his words.  
"Hmm... Must be an explanation,"She muttered and went back to cutting veges. She looked concerned. When I asked if she was okay right before we all went to bed she said she was fine but I could tell she wasn't. I may have been away for three years and drunk for four years before that but I knew when she wasn't okay. What Mikey had told her about Ralph was bothering her. There wasn't much I could do about it so I gave her a hug and a kiss, hugged Mikey and went into my bedroom.

I flicked the light on and stared. The bedspread was different. The carpet was different. The walls were different. The bed itself was different. The drawers were different. Everything was different and I loved it. I smiled to myself and went and sat down down by my suitcase, forcing myself to put everything away. It was barely eleven at night but I felt exhausted. It had been a long day. I reached the bottom of my suitcase and sighed happily at the sight of my favourite painting. It had been the one to win me an award and I had no idea why it was so good. It seemed to mean something to me but I had no idea what. It was just red and black streaks everywhere with one silver curved streak in the middle and two hazel coloured splotches close to the top. My teacher had been determined to put it in a frame so now I had this painting of mine in a frame. I placed it on my dresser before giving up and pulling my jeans and top off before climbing into my new clean bed that smelt good, falling asleep almost instantly into dreams of red and black and hazel and cold silver.


	3. Not My Type

_December 1st_

 

"Oi, idiot. Where is this coffee for? What table?"Miranda demanded behind me. I blinked away the tears and turned to face her.  
"Uh- three,"I blurted out.  
"Remember to actually put it in with the order next time,"She glared at me before walking away with the coffee. I mumbled a 'yes' even though she was gone and decided to go to the bathroom.  
"Just popping to the loo,"I said to my boss, Lily.  
"Yeah sure whatever,"She waved a hand in my direction, not looking up from her laptop in the office.

I fumbled to lock the bathroom door behind me, sinking to the floor slowly while I tried not to cry. It hadn't even been that bad of a day. Just the usual shit really. I tried to steady my breathing as I made myself get up and face myself in the mirror. I looked like crap. My hair going in every direction known to man and my eyeliner doing nothing to cover up the bags under my eyes. I pushed my sleeves up to splash water in my face but froze when I noticed a few of my cuts had broken open. I snatched a square of toilet paper and dabbed up the few droplets of blood before dropping it in the toilet. I turned the tap on and splasahed water in my face, telling myself to perk up at least the tiniest bit.

I tried smiling at myself in the mirror but all it succeeded in making me want to break down over how hard that was. I took a few deep breaths, letting them out slowly as I made sure there was no evidence of tears left on my face. I pulled my sleeves down carefully and walked out as if nothing was wrong.  
"Look I don't see it getting any busier so you can go home if you want,"Lily sighed, staring at the empty cafe.  
"I- okay. I'll uh... Clock out,"I sighed right back, trying to tell her that I would give anything for her not to be sending me home.  
"Awesome. Have a good weekend!"She called airily and went back into her office.

I took my apron off and hung it on my hook, replacing it with my jacket and bag, before trudging out, ignoring Miranda's look of disgust. I wrapped my thin jacket around me tighter as a gust of icy wind rocked me, walking towards my shitty little flat. Something dropped on my head. I looked up, hoping to god it wasn't bird shit, and sighed as it started raining. I didn't have a hood or an umbrella. Fuck. I put my head down and started walking faster, past the people as they put up their umbrellas. As the wind picked up and the rain fell faster, I contemplated taking shelter in a store. One particularly strong gust of wind decided for me, pushing me towards the video game store.

I shook the wet out of my hair and looked around sadly. I wish I had the money for this place. But no. I probably wasn't going to get paid enough to make rent this week, let alone have enough for a new video game. I glanced over my shoulder and shuddered at the sight of the weather. I'd wait it out in here. I started walking around, not actually looking at anything, just trying to warm up. It was actually warm in here as well. I wasn't paying much attention to anything but a few words did reach my ears and made me go cold inside.  
"I wouldn't walk around with arms like that,"I heard a man say. Instinctively I looked down at my arms. There was a tiny speck of blood soaking through, near my elbow, but otherwise you couldn't see anything.

I looked around for the source of the voice.  
"Sorry, Sir? What did you say?"A girl replied.  
"I said I wouldn't want to be seen in public if I had arms like yours,"He said. I stood on my tiptoes and could just see a tall man looking down at someone, a look of superiority and disgust on his face. There was only one other guy in here, a fat guy in an Assassins Creed t-shirt and he was reading the back of a game so it had to be this tall guy. I crept around the shelves, getting closer to them.  
"I- I don't know what you mean..."The girl stuttered out.  
"Look at them. All those ugly scars. Ugly like you. Emo faggot,"He spat.

I reached the end of an aisle and came face to face with a girl about my age and a guy about twice the size of her. He had his back to me now and the girl was in front of him, staring up into his face. She looked on the verge of exploding. Her arms were straight next to her, hands balled into fists. What caught my attention wasn't the scars not unlike my own, but it was her eyes. Full of sadness and a fierceness I had only ever seen in my Godfather, Greg.  
"I'd appreciate it if you didn't speak to me like that Sir,"She said with such a niceness in her voice even a fucking dog could tell she was being sarcastic.

"I'll speak to you however the fuck I want,"The guy growled.  
"No. You wont. You do not know me. You're not my father. Not my boyfriend. Not my best friend. You are nothing to me. You're probably nothing to everyone you know you insensitve prick. These are my arms. My scars. Don't you dare come in here and ask for a game that hasn't been sold in years and then start calling me names and mocking something that I have been through. Fuck you, you vain fat kidneyed foot licker."  
I snorted. Loudly. The guy turned around and looked at me, the girl also focusing on me for the first time.  
"I'd like to speak to your manager,"The guy said, outrageous.  
"No problem Sir,"She smiled at him suddenly, injecting a sickly sweet tone into her voice,"Follow me. I'll find him for you."

She strode past me, tears bristling in her eyes for a split second. The guy glared at me as he followed her. I watched them head to the counter, the girl going behind and out back. I moved closer, interested in what was going to happen. There was some arguing and then a gruff looking guy walked out, thick mustache and glasses to make him look like even more of a hard case.  
"Sir would you like to tell me what happened?"  
"Yes I bloody well would. She insulted me! She said fuck you, you vain fat foot kidney something."  
"Dammit Alicia. This is the third time you've done this,"He sighed as the girl walked out, looking furious,"I've warned you about this but you keep doing it. You're fired. Come in tomorrow as usual and we can go over the procedure but right now I want you gone."  
"But Angus I-"  
"Now!"  
"Fine."

She disappeared out the back and returned, shoving her arm into a jacket while holding a bag in the other one.  
"What time tomorrow?"  
"Ten."  
"Fine,"She muttered and started marching out of the store. I followed her out, feeling a weird urge to talk to her, make sure she was okay. She was already halfway up the now empty street, everyone either taking shelter somewhere.  
"Hey! Hey girl!"I shouted, running after her.

She looked over her shoulder and stopped, watching me run up to her. When I actually reached her I wasn't sure what to say.  
"Are- are you okay?"I stammered, my teeth chattering in the cold.  
"Fine and fucking dandy,"She started walking again so I followed. It was the direction I was going in anyway.  
"He was completely out of line. You shouldn't be fired for that."  
"Maybe not on that alone but I've yelled at customers before. Not even for something as personal as that. Angus has every right to fire me,"She almost yelled, trying to be heard over the wind.  
"I- You're not ugly."

She stopped walking and looked at me, tears forming in her eyes.  
"None of what he said is true. You have no reason to be ashamed of your scars. You're not ugly because of them. You're not ugly hands down. You're beautiful."  
"Thank you,"She sniffed, blinking the tears out of her eyes, a couple escaping and falling slowly down her cheeks,"I- I have a boyfriend. Thats where I'm going now."  
"Oh no don't worry I'm not hitting on you. I'm- you're not my type,"I chuckled as we started walking.  
"Sorry I just-"She stopped talking and grabbed my left hand.

"Hey!"I tried pulling out of her grip but she was holding on strongly. She gave me a searching look before carefully pulling up my sleeve. I was surprised she hadn't seen earlier. The deepest cuts near my elbow were bleeding quite heavily and had soaked through my shitty blue work shirt and my fucking jacket. That was going to be hard to get out.  
"Oh sweetie,"She said sadly, eyeing up the angry red cuts and scars,"Do you- what-"She cut off with an angry sigh,"Where do you live?"  
"Corner of Symonds and Wellesley."  
"Alright good I walk past there. Come on, talk to me."She said, letting go of me and continuing walking.

I stared at her back, roughly pulling my sleeve down without thinking and wincing.  
"Come on! Do you want to freeze to death?"She called.  
"Uh... Yeah. Yeah I do,"I called back, trudging after her. I hadn't even noticed the rain stop.  
"Dude that's not funny,"She said as I caught up to her.  
"Sorry."  
"Don't be. I used to be like that. I understand how you feel but- don't make jokes like that."  
"So... Only scars?"I shrugged my shoulders, panting heavily as we walked up a hill.  
"No cutting for just over six months,"She said proudly.

"Wow. Thats amazing. I'm happy for you,"I looked at her in awe.  
"You can have that as well. If you put your heart into it. The easiest way is to think of it as every day is a new record,"She said as we turned onto Symonds Street,"What's the longest you've gone?"  
"I- I haven't ever tried."  
"Right so you'll definitely need help,"She started rummaging around in her bag and produced a pen and piece of paper,"This is my number. You work at that cafe down the road from my work right?"She said as she scribbled down her number.  
"Yeah."  
"Awesome. I'll drop in tomorrow after I finish up at the store and check on you. You- did you cut today?"  
"This morning yeah."

A look of pain flashed across her face before she said,"Okay well today is the last time you will ever cut. Remember the date because this day next year, you and I will be out celebrating no cutting for a year. Here,"She shoved her number into my hand,"Call me anytime you feel like cutting or talking or anything at all. Alright? No matter what time or what I'm doing I will be there to listen to you. What's your name?"  
"Frank. Frank Iero."  
"I'm Alicia Simmons,"She smiled as we reached the corner where my shitty flat above the worst chinese store in town was,"I'll see you tomorrow okay?"  
"Bye..."I watched as she crossed the road, arms wrapped around her tight, and continued down Symonds Street.

The wind picked up and almost knocked me off my feet, making me realise how cold I was. I turned around and pulled my keys out, fumbling to get the key in the door. The door slammed shut behind me, alerting my landlord to the fact that I was home. Fuck. He burst through the door, yelling about how I better have my rent tomorrow.  
"I will have it! Let me get out of my wet clothes before you start yelling at me at least!"I shouted back. He glared at me before retreating back into his stupid shop. I thumped up the stairs and jammed my key into the lock, jiggling the crap out of it just to get inside.

When I got in, it was freezing. I stared at the thermostat and almost punched the wall. It was fucking broken again. I dumped my bag and keys on the table by the door and walked the two steps to my bed, flopping down with a huge groan. A few minutes later my stomach rumbled.  
"I fucking hate everything,"I sang quietly as I dragged myself over to my fridge. I pulled it open and stared. There was a tomato and a pot of butter in there. There was just enough milk for a coffee in the morning but otherwise that was it. I had one piece of bread left and right now my stomach was making a pretty good argument to just starve tomorrow and have a tomato sandwich tonight.

"Fuck it. I'll starve tomorrow,"I sighed and grabbed the tomato and the bread and butter. I grabbed the only clean knife I had left and stabbed it into the tomato. It was barely sharp enough so I had to work it through, using it like a saw. I jumped when my phone rang out in the quiet room. I walked over to my bag and pulled out the most expensive thing I owned. My shitty brick phone. It was an unknown number.  
"Hello?"  
"Frank, hi. It's Lily."  
"Oh uh hello. Is everything okay?"  
"Yeah uh after some consideration coupled with a few complaints from other staff, we've decided to terminate your contract."

"What- what do you mean?"I stammered out, my heart rate picking up and my palms sweating.  
"We're letting you go. We can't really afford to have you anymore and you're the only employee we've had complaints about."  
"Yeah, and who made the complaints?"  
"They're anonymous."  
"Oh so they could all be fucking Miranda with her stupid homophobia,"I snarled.  
"Frank please don't make this more difficult than it already is. I'll give you a bloody good reference and you're going to get all your holiday pay which has built up a bit."  
"O-Okay."  
"I am sorry about this Frank. Come in tomorrow at about ten and we can sort out the details."  
"Okay..."I hung up with a sigh.

I was out of a job. I had no money. No food and now no job. I dumped my phone on my bed and stared at it before going back to my pathetic sandwich. It was getting dark outside and the wind was picking up even more, rattling the windows loudly. I sat on my bed and stared out the window, watching the rain fall as I ate my sandwich. Cliche and stupid as fuck but I had nothing better to do. I hadn't been able to pay my cable so that was out. My power was about to go off as well. Even when I had finished my sandwich I stayed sitting there, deciding on whether or not to go out for a walk before I went to bed. I decided against it and started pulling my clothes off, glaring at my stupid blood stains. I pulled open my drawer, hoping to god I had another work top in there. I yanked my two t-shirts out and my second pair of jeans and found my blade sitting on top of my work shirt.

I stared at it, tears pricking at my eyes. Very slowly I reached down and pulled it out, looking at the evil thing nestling in the palm of my shaking hand.  
"She did say today was the last day that I will ever cut... It's not over yet... Maybe just one last cut..."That little bastard of a voice in my head said. It liked to claim that it was logical. But deep down I knew I was just looking for an excuse to cut. I looked down at my arm. There was barely anywhere left to cut. I pulled up the end of my boxers and sighed. I hadn't cut my legs in a while. There were just big horrible scars staring up at me.  
"Besides. I highly doubt I'm going to see her ever again. People are never that nice to me. Ever... Fuck it."

I flicked the light off and got into bed. I pulled my blanket over me and clenched the blade tightly in my hand, squeezing my eyes shut as my palm broke open and the tears came in huge wrenching sobs. Three years. Three whole fucking years I'd been falling asleep like this. I cried. I cried for the life I wish I had. For the family I wish I had. I cried for other people like me. I cried for Alicia. I cried for Greg. I cried myself into a sleep filled with suicide, dirty black hair and alcohol.

*

"What did you do to your hand?"Lily clocked the bandage as soon as I walked in.  
"Oh my hand slipped when I was cutting a tomato for dinner last night,"I lied,"Hurt like a bitch."  
"I can imagine,"She said, staring at my hand. I looked at my bandage, making sure it was still in place. About an hour after I had fallen asleep I had woken up with my hand caked in dried blood. After washing it clean I had used my last bandage to stem the bleeding from the parts that had broken open. I had no idea how it was so long but I didn't really care.  
"Alright lets get down to business,"Lily smiled at me as we sat down in the office. She pulled out some forms and handed them to me with a pen,"I need you to sign these."

"I- I can't,"I gestured to my hand.  
"Oh right shit. Okay well uh just try and use your left hand I guess."  
"Last time I did that I cut my hand,"I muttered.  
"You're an idiot. Okay. So you've got a week left of working. I know it's not two weeks notice but its all I can afford to give you I'm afraid. But don't worry. With the reference I've written you you'll find a new job in no time,"She smiled widely at me. She was trying to be friendly and act like a nice boss but her smiles never reached her eyes and she was probably just desperate to get rid of me.  
"That's okay I don't mind,"I mumbled, awkwardly writing F.Iero.

A few more minutes had passed before I had managed to sign everything.  
"Hey, thanks for being so understanding about this,"She said as we stood up and walked to the door.  
"No problem,"I mumbled, hating myself for being so kind and understanding towards someone who very obviously hated me.  
"Okay well you can start work now."  
"I- I didn't bring my uniform. I thought yesterday was my last day. Sorry,"I shuffled on my feet as the door opened behind me, ringing the bell.  
"Oh no problem. I think we've got a shirt out back. Just go have a look."

I nodded and went through the kitchen into the locker room out back. I shoved my bag and jacket on a hook quickly, glancing over my shoulder to make sure no one came in. I yanked open the bag and pulled out the last work shirt that was in there. I quickly yanked my t-shirt off and pulled the work one on.  
"Oh fuck,"I stared in horror at my bare arms. There were no sleeves. None of my cuts were bleeding today but they were barely scabbing over. Very clearly self harm.  
Miranda burst into the room,"Frank come on we've got- oh my god."  
"Miranda I-"  
"Jesus christ. Cover that up. You can't go working with arms like that!"She hissed at me.

"Don't you think I would if I could? God. I didn't think I'd be working today so I didn't bring my-"  
"I dont give a fuck,"She rolled her eyes,"Sort that out or go home,"She snarled and left me alone.  
"Fuck,"I groaned. I looked around, desperate for anything to cover my arms. The first aid kit was sitting on top of the lockers in a corner. I rushed over and stood on my tiptoes to try and pick it up.  
"Mother fucker!"I shouted out. Jumping only succeeded in dragging my arm down the edge, breaking open damn near all of them.  
"Frank what are youu doing?"Lily said behind me. I froze.  
"Uh-"I turned around, putting my arms behind my back,"I can't reach the first aid kit."  
"Is your bandage coming undone?"  
"No I uh-"  
"Send him home Lily! He can't work today!"Miranda called.

"Yeah I uh- I'm not feeling good at all. I was trying to see if there were any painkillers in there,"I started edging towards my bag.  
"Oh well uh- go home I guess. Feel better soon,"She waved awkwardly before she turned around and left, making a beeline for the coffee machine. I grabbed my jacket and pulled it on, ignoring the bursts of pain. I grabbed my bag and kept my head down as I walked as fast as I could out of there. Outside it was cold as fuck. I was half bent over, the wind ridiculously strong. Pretty soon it was going to start snowing. I was shocked it hadn't started already.  
"Fuck I'm so sorry,"I gasped as I knocked someone to the ground,"I'm so so sorry!"  
"It's okay,"She looked up at me, taking my outstretched hand,"Frank. Where are you off to? I was just about to come see you."  
I stared at her for a second, a fierce battle over whether to trust and believe her or not raging in my head,"Oh I uh I wasn't feeling well so they sent me home,"I said, pulling her to her feet.

"Mm hmm. Come on,"She linked arms with me as we started walking like yesterday. Alicia stayed silent as we trudged up the hill. When we turned onto Symond Street she broke the silence,"Did you cut this morning?"  
"No."  
"Really? Thats good! I'm happy for you,"She smiled widely at me as we came to a stop outside my flat.  
"I- thanks... I cut last night though,"I gestured to my right hand.  
"That- thats okay. Yesterday was your last day. So do you actually feel sick or did you just want a day off?"  
"Just a day off,"I muttered, reaching into my bag for my keys.  
"Great! Do you wanna grab some lunch?"

I froze. I had no money til tomorrow. But going back inside my flat would alert my landlord to the fact that I was home and he would bug me for rent. I had to stay out of the flat til after eight when he would go out til midnight,"I don't have any money,"I confessed, dropping my keys back in my bag and moving out of sight of my landlord. He worked in the kitchen of his shop out back but I had seen him come out the front once or twice before.  
"That's okay. My shout,"Alicia smiled and looked up and down the road,"My boyfriend is coming as well. I know this great little cafe at the end of Waterloo Avenue Come on,"She smiled and pulled me onto the road with her. I was completely helpless. This girl had taken my words to the heart and was now trying to return the favour by trying to make me better. Buy me lunch. I felt like throwing up it was so weird.

"So when I went into work today, that stupid idiot from yesterday was there! He wanted to watch me sign my termination contract and then, when I left the store, he followed me and laughed at me. Then I told him that because I don't work there anymore I could say whatever the fuck I want to and told him that if he didn't leave me alone I'd punch him in the nuts in self defense and call the police. I also told him he was an ugly ignorant pig and he left,"She grinned proudly as we turned off of Symond Street and onto Arkles Road. I had never even been here before. There were a few shops dotted about but it was mostly just houses.  
"Thats pretty awesome,"I couldn't help but smile,"And what you called him yesterday? Genius."  
"That's what my boyfriend's brother said when I told him,"She grinned.

"Where are we going?"I asked, looking around at the lack of shops at this end of the street.  
"My boyfriends house."  
"Oh. Does he know you've kidnapped me for lunch?"  
"Hey, if you wanna go back home I'm not stopping you,"She held her hands up,"And yes. He does know. He starts work afterwards though so he probably wont want to go to Waterloo. Unless he's got his car... I think Gerard's got it though,"She mumbled to herself as we walked.  
"How much further? It's freezing."  
"Just up here,"Alicia actually focussed on where we were,"Oh. Damn. Gerard must have the car,"She sighed, staring at the stretch of road empty of cars. We reached number 65 Arkles Road and stopped.

"This is my boyfriend's house. He lives with his Mom and now his brother who got here yesterday. I would avoid talking to Mikey about him though. It's a sensitive subject in this house,"She said, checking the letterbox.  
"Mikey being your boyfriend?"I followed her up the path. Most of the houses we had passed were full on suburban places. Green grass, flower beds, trimmed. But this house was definitely beyond that. The lawn was a dark dead green. The only bright green came from the few weeds sticking up all over the place.  
"Yup,"She winked at me over her shoulder and rang the doorbell.

"You can check their mail but you still ring the doorbell?"  
"Shut it. I've walked in once before when nobody was home but his Mom and his Mom's date. Never again."  
"Fair enough,"I muttered, looking over my shoulder as a dog started barking somewhere. The door opened and a tall skinny dude with black hair stood there, smiling widely.  
"Hey babe,"He leaned forward and kissed her before turning to look at me,"You must be Sir Frank. The knight who was there for my Queen in her time of need."  
"Uh yeah that's me,"I smiled and bowed down,"Anything for Her Grace."  
"I like him. He's funny,"Mikey chuckled,"Come on get in out of the cold."

Inside it was a lot nicer than the garden. It had a cosy feel to it and the warmth made me feel a lot better about being in a stranger's house.  
"I still need to get ready for work so just make yourselves a drink or something. I won't be longer than twenty minutes,"He called, walking down the hall and into a room at the end. Alicia turned into a different room so I slowly followed into a kitchen.  
"Do you want some coffee?"She said as she boiled a jug and got mugs out.  
"Uh yeah okay. Milk two sugars."  
"Awesome. Go set up the X-Box and we'll play a game."

I turned around and went back into the hall. Directly across from me was the lounge. I went over to the tv and stared at it all. It had been a while since I had played video games. Three years basically. The last time had been the day before my godfather, Greg, had died. I had just gotten home from work and Greg had been cleaning up after his last student for the day. He had ordered pizza and we'd spent the rest of the night playing video games. The next day he had a heart attack and had died on the way to the hospital. After the funeral his family had kicked me out out. It hadn't been a blood relation after all. Right when that funeral ended, that had been what had caused my life to start rolling downhill. Without Greg, I had no friends.

My family hated me because I was gay. They had kicked me out at sixteen. Greg had taken me in and had been the only person to not give me shit for it. He had given me a room and had helped me get a job. After he had died, I had taken bereavement leave. When I got back there was a new owner and new staff. Thank christ they had kept me on. Until now of course.  
"You having trouble?"Alicia pulled me out of my thoughts.  
"Oh no I just got distracted with my thoughts,"I mumbled.  
"Well your coffee is on the left. Here I'll do-"  
"I'm ready! You guys ready to go?"  
"Damn,"She sighed.  
Mikey walked into the room and looked at us,"I guess not. Leave your coffees. I want lunch.""Oi, idiot. Where is this coffee for? What table?"Miranda demanded behind me. I blinked away the tears and turned to face her.  
"Uh- three,"I blurted out.  
"Remember to actually put it in with the order next time,"She glared at me before walking away with the coffee. I mumbled a 'yes' even though she was gone and decided to go to the bathroom.  
"Just popping to the loo,"I said to my boss, Lily.  
"Yeah sure whatever,"She waved a hand in my direction, not looking up from her laptop in the office.

I fumbled to lock the bathroom door behind me, sinking to the floor slowly while I tried not to cry. It hadn't even been that bad of a day. Just the usual shit really. I tried to steady my breathing as I made myself get up and face myself in the mirror. I looked like crap. My hair going in every direction known to man and my eyeliner doing nothing to cover up the bags under my eyes. I pushed my sleeves up to splash water in my face but froze when I noticed a few of my cuts had broken open. I snatched a square of toilet paper and dabbed up the few droplets of blood before dropping it in the toilet. I turned the tap on and splasahed water in my face, telling myself to perk up at least the tiniest bit.

I tried smiling at myself in the mirror but it just succeeded in making me want to break down over how hard that was. I took a few deep breaths, letting them out slowly as I made sure there was no evidence of tears left on my face. I pulled my sleeves down carefully and walked out as if nothing was wrong.  
"Look I don't see it getting any busier so you can go home if you want,"Lily sighed, staring at the empty cafe.  
"I- okay. I'll uh... Clock out,"I sighed right back, trying to tell her that I would give anything for her not to be sending me home.  
"Awesome. Have a good weekend!"She called airily and went back into her office.

I took my apron off and hung it on my hook, replacing it with my jacket and bag, before trudging out, ignoring Miranda's look of disgust. I wrapped my thin jacket around me tighter as a gust of icy wind rocked me, walking towards my shitty little flat. Something dropped on my head. I looked up, hoping to god it wasn't bird shit, and sighed as it started raining. I didn't have a hood or an umbrella. Fuck. I put my head down and started walking faster, past the people as they put up their umbrellas. As the wind picked up and the rain fell faster, I contemplated taking shelter in a store. One particularly strong gust of wind decided for me, pushing me towards the video game store.

I shook the wet out of my hair and looked around sadly. I wish I had the money for this place. But no. I probably wasn't going to get paid enough to make rent this week, let alone have enough for a new video game. I glanced over my shoulder and shuddered at the sight of the weather. I'd wait it out in here. I started walking around, not actually looking at anything, just trying to warm up. It was actually warm in here as well. I wasn't paying much attention to anything but a few words did reach my ears and made me go cold inside.  
"I wouldn't walk around with arms like that,"I heard a man say. Instinctively I looked down at my arms. There was a tiny speck of blood soaking through, near my elbow, but otherwise you couldn't see anything.

I looked around for the source of the voice.  
"Sorry, Sir? What did you say?"A girl replied.  
"I said I wouldn't want to be seen in public if I had arms like yours,"He said. I stood on my tiptoes and could just see a tall man looking down at someone, a look of superiority and disgust on his face. There was only one other guy in here, a fat guy in an Assassins Creed t-shirt and he was reading the back of a game so it had to be this tall guy. I crept around the shelves, getting closer to them.  
"I- I don't know what you mean..."The girl stuttered out.  
"Look at them. All those ugly scars. Ugly like you. Emo faggot,"He spat.

I reached the end of an aisle and came face to face with a girl about my age and a guy about twice the size of her. He had his back to me now and the girl. She looked on the verge of exploding. Her arms were straight next to her, hands balled into fists. What caught my attention wasn't the scars not unlike my own, but it was her eyes. Full of sadness and a fierceness I had only ever seen in my Godfather, Greg.  
"I'd appreciate it if you didn't speak to me like that Sir,"She said with such a niceness in her voice even a fucking dog could tell she was being sarcastic.

"I'll speak to you however the fuck I want,"The guy growled.  
"No. You wont. You do not know me. You're not my father. Not my boyfriend. Not my best friend. You are nothing to me. You're probably nothing to everyone you know you insensitve prick. These are my arms. My scars. Don't you dare come in here and ask for a game that hasn't been sold in years and then start calling me names and mocking something that I have been through. Fuck you, you vain fat kidneyed foot licker."  
I snorted. Loudly. The guy turned around and looked at me, the girl also focusing on me for the first time.  
"I'd like to speak to your manager,"The guy said, outrageous.  
"No problem Sir,"She smiled at him suddenly, injecting a sickly sweet tone into her voice,"Follow me. I'll find him for you."

She strode past me, tears bristling in her eyes for a split second. The guy glared at me as he followed her. I watched them head to the counter, the girl going behind and out back. I moved closer, interested in what was going to happen. There was some arguing and then a gruff looking guy walked out, thick mustache and glasses to make him look like even more of a hard case.  
"Sir would you like to tell me what happened?"  
"Yes I bloody well would. She insulted me! She said fuck you, you vain fat foor kidney something."  
"Dammit Alicia. This is the third time you've done this,"He sighed as the girl walked out, looking furious,"I've warned you about this but you keep doing it. You're fired. Come in tomorrow as usual and we can go over the procedure but right now I want you gone."  
"But I-"  
"Now!"  
"Fine."

She disappeared out the back and returned, shoving her arm into a jacket while holding a bag in the other one.  
"What time tomorrow?"  
"Ten."  
"Fine,"She muttered and started marching out of the store. I followed her out, feeling a weird urge to talk to her. She was already halfway up the now empty street, everyone either taking shelter somewhere or in cars.  
"Hey! Hey girl!"I shouted, running after her.

She looked over her shoulder and stopped, watching me run up to her. When I actually reached her I wasn't sure what to say.  
"Are- are you okay?"I stammered, my teeth chattering in the cold.  
"Fine and fucking dandy,"She started walking again so I followed. It was the direction I was going in anyway.  
"He was completely out of line. You shouldn't be fired for that."  
"Maybe not on that alone but I've yelled at customers before. Not even for something as personal as that. Angus has every right to fire me,"She almost yelled, trying to be heard over the wind.  
"I- You're not ugly."

She stopped walking and looked at me, tears forming in her eyes.  
"None of what he said is true. You have no reason to be ashamed of your scars. You're not ugly because of them. You're not ugly hands down. You're beautiful."  
"Thank you,"She sniffed, blinking the tears out of her eyes, a couple escaping and falling slowly down her cheeks,"I- I have a boyfriend. Thats where I'm going now."  
"Oh no don't worry I'm not hitting on you. I'm- you're not my type,"I chuckled as we started walking.  
"Sorry I just-"She stopped talking and grabbed my left hand.

"Hey!"I tried pulling out of her grip but she was holding on strongly. She gave me a searching look before carefully pulling up my sleeve. I was surprised she hadn't seen earlier. The deepest cuts near my elbow were bleeding quite heavily and had soaked through my shitty blue work shirt and my fucking jacket. That was going to be hard to get out.  
"Oh sweetie,"She said sadly, eyeing up the angry red cuts and scars,"Do you- what-"She cut off with an angry sigh,"Where do you live?"  
"Corner of Symond and Wellesly."  
"Alright good I walk past there. Come on, talk to me."She said, letting go of me and continuing walking.

I stared at her back, pulling my sleeve down roughly and wincing.  
"Come on! Do you want to freeze to death?"She called.  
"Uh... Yeah. Yeah I do,"I called back, trudging after her. I hadn't even noticed the rain stop.  
"Dude that's not funny,"She said as I caught up to her.  
"Sorry."  
"Don't be. I used to be like that. I understand how you feel but- don't make jokes like that."  
"So... Only scars?"I shrugged my shoulders, panting heavily as we walked up a hill.  
"No cutting for just over six months,"She said proudly.

"Wow. Thats amazing. I'm happy for you,"I looked at her in awe.  
"You can have that as well. If you put your heart into it. The easiest way is to think of it as every day is a new record,"She said as we turned onto Symond Street,"What's the longest you've gone?"  
"I- I haven't ever tried."  
"Right so you'll definitely need help,"She started rummaging around in her bag and produced a pen and piece of paper,"This is my number. You work at that cafe down the road from my work right?"She said as she scribbled down her number.  
"Yeah."  
"Awesome. I'll drop in tomorrow after I finish up at the store and check on you. You- did you cut today?"  
"This morning yeah."

A look of pain flashed across her face before she said,"Okay well today is the last time you will ever cut. Remember the date because this day next year, you and I will be out celebrating no cutting for a year. Here,"She shoved her number into my hand,"Call me anytime you feel like cutting or talking or anything at all. Alright? No matter what time or what I'm doing I will be there to listen to you. What's your name?"  
"Frank. Frank Iero."  
"I'm Alicia Simmons,"She smiled as we reached the corner where my shitty flat above the worst chinese store in town was,"I'll see you tomorrow okay?"  
"Bye..."I watched as she crossed the road, arms wrapped around her tight, and continued down Symonds street.

The wind picked up and almost knocked me off my feet, making me realise how cold I was. I turned around and pulled my keys out, fumbling to get the key in the door. The door slammed shut behind me, alerting my landlord to the fact that I was home. Fuck. He burst through the door, yelling about how I better have my rent tomorrow.  
"I will have it! Let me get out of my wet clothes before you start yelling at me at least!"I shouted back. He glared at me before retreating back into his stupid shop. I thumped up the stairs and jammed my key into the lock, jiggling the crap out of it just to get inside.

When I got in, it was freezing. I stared at the thermostat and almost punched the wall. It was fucking broken again. I dumped my bag and keys on the table by the door and walked the two steps to my bed, flopping down with a huge groan. A few minutes later my stomach rumbled.  
"I fucking hate everything,"I sang quietly as I dragged myself over to my fridge. I pulled it open and stared. There was a tomato and a pot of butter in there. There was just enough milk for a coffee in the morning but otherwise that was it. I had one piece of bread left and right now my stomach was making a pretty good argument to just starve tomorrow and have a tomato sandwich tonight.

"Fuck it. I'll starve,"I sighed and grabbed the tomato and the bread and butter. I grabbed the only clean knife I had left and stabbed it into the tomato. It was barely sharp enough so I had to work it through, using it like a saw. I jumped when my phone rang out in the quiet room. I walked over to my bag and pulled out the most expensive thing I owned. My shitty brick phone. It was an unknown number.  
"Hello?"  
"Frank, hi. It's Lily."  
"Oh uh hello. Is everything okay?"  
"Yeah uh after some consideration coupled with a few complaints from other staff, we've decided to terminate your contract."

"What- what do you mean?"I stammered out, my heart rate picking up and my palms sweating.  
"We're letting you go. We can't really afford to have you anymore and you're the only employee we've had complaints about."  
"Yeah, and who made the complaints?"  
"They're anonymous."  
"Oh so they could all be fucking Miranda with her stupid homophobia,"I snarled.  
"Frank please don't make this more difficult than it already is. I'll give you a bloody good reference and you're going to get all your holiday pay which has built up a bit."  
"O-Okay."  
"I am sorry about this Frank. Come in tomorrow at about ten and we can sort out the details."  
"Okay..."I hung up with a sigh.

I was out of a job. I had no money. No food and now no job. I dumped my phone on my bed and stared at it before going back to my pathetic sandwich. It was getting dark outside and the wind was picking up even more, rattling the windows loudly. I sat on my bed and stared out the window, watching the rain fall as I ate my sandwich. Cliche and stupid as fuck but I had nothing better to do. Even when I had finished my sandwich I stayed sitting there, deciding on whether or not to go out for a walk before I went to bed. I decided against it and started pulling my clothes off, glaring at my stupid blood stains. I pulled open my drawer, hoping to god I had another work top in there. I yanked my two t-shirts out and my second pair of jeans and found my blade sitting on top of my work shirt.

I stared at it, tears pricking at my eyes. Very slowly I reached down and pulled it out, looking at the evil thing nestling in the palm of my shaking hand.  
"She did say today was the last day that I will ever cut... It's not over yet... Maybe just one last cut..."That little bastard of a voice in my head said. It liked to claim that it was logical. But deep down I knew I was just looking for an excuse to cut. I looked down at my arm. There was barely anywhere left to cut. I pulled up the end of my boxers and sighed. I hadn't cut my legs in a while. There were just big horrible scars staring up at me.  
"Besides. I highly doubt I'm going to see her ever again. People are never that nice to me. Ever... Fuck it."

I flicked the light off and got into bed. I pulled my blanket over me and clenched the blade tightly in my hand, squeezing my eyes shut as my palm broke open and the tears came in huge wrenching sobs. Three years. Three whole fucking years I'd been falling asleep like this. I cried. I cried for the life I wish I had. For the family I wish I had. I cried for other people like me. I cried for Alicia. I cried for Greg. I cried myself into a sleep filled with suicide, dirty black hair and alcohol.

*

_December 2nd_

"What did you do to your hand?"Lily clocked the bandage as soon as I walked in.  
"Oh my hand slipped when I was cutting a tomato for dinner last night,"I lied,"Hurt like a bitch."  
"I can imagine,"She said, staring at my hand. I looked at my bandage, making sure it was still in place. About an hour after I had fallen asleep I had woken up with my hand caked in dried blood. After washing it clean I had used my last bandage to stem the bleeding from the parts that had broken open. I had no idea how it was so long but I didn't really care.  
"Alright lets get down to business,"Lily smiled at me as we sat down in the office. She pulled out some forms and handed them to me with a pen,"I need you to sign these."

"I- I can't,"I gestured to my hand.  
"Oh right shit. Okay well uh just try and use your left hand I guess."  
"Last time I did that I cut my hand,"I muttered.  
"You're an idiot. Okay. So you've got a week left of working. I know it's not two weeks notice but its all I can afford to give you I'm afraid. But don't worry. With the reference I've written you you'll find a new job in no time,"She smiled widely at me. She was trying to be friendly and act like a nice boss but her smiles never reached her eyes and she was probably just desperate to get rid of me.  
"That's okay I don't mind,"I mumbled, awkwardly writing F.Iero.

A few more minutes had passed before I had managed to sign everything.  
"Hey, thanks for being so understanding about this,"She said as we stood up and walked to the door.  
"No problem,"I mumbled, hating myself for being so kind and understanding towards someone who very obviously hated me.  
"Okay well you can start work now."  
"I- I didn't bring my uniform. I thought yesterday was my last day. Sorry,"I shuffled on my feet as the door opened behind me, ringing the bell.  
"Oh no problem. I think we've got a shirt out back. Just go have a look."

I nodded and went through the kitchen into the locker room out back. I shoved my bag and jacket on a hook quickly, glancing over my shoulder to make sure no one came in. I yanked open the bag and pulled out the last work shirt that was in there. I quickly yanked my t-shirt off and pulled the work one on.  
"Oh fuck,"I stared in horror at my bare arms. There were no sleeves. None of my cuts were bleeding today but they were barely scabbing over. Very clearly self harm.  
Miranda burst into the room,"Frank come on we've got- oh my god."  
"Miranda I-"  
"Jesus christ. Cover that up. You can't go working with arms like that!"She hissed at me.

"Don't you think I would if I could? God. I didn't think I'd be working today so I didn't bring my-"  
"I dont give a fuck,"She rolled her eyes,"Sort that out or go home,"She snarled and left me alone.  
"Fuck,"I groaned. I looked around, desperate for anything to cover my arms. The first aid kit was sitting on top of the lockers in a corner. I rushed over and stood on my tiptoes to try and pick it up.  
"Mother fucker!"I shouted out. Jumping only succeeded in dragging my arm down the edge, breaking open damn near all of them.  
"Frank what are youu doing?"Lily said behind me. I froze.  
"Uh-"I turned around, putting my arms behind my back,"I can't reach the first aid kit."  
"Is your bandage coming undone?"  
"No I uh-"  
"Send him home Lily! He can't work today!"Miranda called.

"Yeah I uh- I'm not feeling good at all. I was trying to see if there were any painkillers in there,"I started edging towards my bag.  
"Oh well uh- go home I guess. Feel better soon,"She waved awkwardly before she turned around and left, making a beeline for the coffee machine. I grabbed my jacket and pulled it on, ignoring the bursts of pain. I grabbed my bag and kept my head down as I walked as fast as I could out of there. Outside it was cold as fuck. I was half bent over, the wind ridiculously strong. Pretty soon it was going to start snowing. I was shocked it hadn't started already.  
"Fuck I'm so sorry,"I gasped as I knocked someone to the ground,"I'm so so sorry!"  
"It's okay,"She looked up at me, taking my outstretched hand,"Frank. Where are you off to? I was just about to come see you."  
I stared at her for a second, a fierce battle over whether to trust and believe her or not raging in my head,"Oh I uh I wasn't feeling well so they sent me home,"I said, pulling her to her feet.

"Mm hmm. Come on,"She linked arms with me as we started walking like yesterday. Alicia stayed silent as we trudged up the hill. When we turned onto Symond Street she broke the silence,"Did you cut this morning?"  
"No."  
"Really? Thats good! I'm happy for you,"She smiled widely at me as we came to a stop outside my flat.  
"I- thanks... I cut last night though,"I gestured to my right hand.  
"That- thats okay. Yesterday was your last day. So do you actually feel sick or did you just want a day off?"  
"Just a day off,"I muttered, reaching into my bag for my keys.  
"Great! Do you wanna grab some lunch?"

I froze. I had no money til tomorrow. But going back inside my flat would alert my landlord to the fact that I was home and he would bug me for rent. I had to stay out of the flat til after eight when he would go out til midnight,"I don't have any money,"I confessed, dropping my keys back in my bag and moving out of sight of my landlord. He worked in the kitchen of his shop out back but I had seen him come out the front once or twice before.  
"That's okay. My shout,"Alicia smiled and looked up and down the road,"My boyfriend is coming as well. I know this great little cafe at the end of Waterloo Avenue Come on,"She smiled and pulled me onto the road with her. I was completely helpless. This girl had taken my words to the heart and was now trying to return the favour by trying to make me better. Buy me lunch. I felt like throwing up it was so weird.

"So when I went into work today, that stupid idiot from yesterday was there! He wanted to watch me sign my termination contract and then, when I left the store, he followed me and laughed at me. Then I told him that because I don't work there anymore I could say whatever the fuck I want to and told him that if he didn't leave me alone I'd punch him in the nuts in self defense and call the police. I also told him he was an ugly ignorant pig and he left,"She grinned proudly as we turned off of Symond Street and onto Arkles Road. I had never even been here before. There were a few shops dotted about but it was mostly just houses.  
"Thats pretty awesome,"I couldn't help but smile,"And what you called him yesterday? Genius."  
"That's what my boyfriend's brother said when I told him,"She grinned.

"Where are we going?"I asked, looking around at the lack of shops at this end of the street.  
"My boyfriends house."  
"Oh. Does he know you've kidnapped me for lunch?"  
"Hey, if you wanna go back home I'm not stopping you,"She held her hands up,"And yes. He does know. He starts work afterwards though so he probably wont want to go to Waterloo. Unless he's got his car... I think Gerard's got it though,"She mumbled to herself as we walked.  
"How much further? It's freezing."  
"Just up here,"Alicia actually focussed on where we were,"Oh. Damn. Gerard must have the car,"She sighed, staring at the stretch of road empty of cars. We reached number 65 Arkles Road and stopped.

"This is my boyfriend's house. He lives with his Mom and now his brother who got here yesterday. I would avoid talking to Mikey about him though. It's a sensitive subject in this house,"She said, checking the letterbox.  
"Mikey being your boyfriend?"I followed her up the path. Most of the houses we had passed were full on suburban places. Green grass, flower beds, trimmed. But this house was definitely beyond that. The lawn was a dark dead green. The only bright green came from the few weeds sticking up all over the place.  
"Yup,"She winked at me over her shoulder and rang the doorbell.

"You can check their mail but you still ring the doorbell?"  
"Shut it. I've walked in once before when nobody was home but his Mom and his Mom's date. Never again."  
"Fair enough,"I muttered, looking over my shoulder as a dog started barking somewhere. The door opened and a tall skinny dude with black hair stood there, smiling widely.  
"Hey babe,"He leaned forward and kissed her before turning to look at me,"You must be Sir Frank. The knight who was there for my Queen in her time of need."  
"Uh yeah that's me,"I smiled and bowed down,"Anything for Her Grace."  
"I like him. He's funny,"Mikey chuckled,"Come on get in out of the cold."

Inside it was a lot nicer than the garden. It had a cosy feel to it and the warmth made me feel a lot better about being in a stranger's house.  
"I still need to get ready for work so just make yourselves a drink or something. I won't be longer than twenty minutes,"He called, walking down the hall and into a room at the end. Alicia turned into a different room so I slowly followed into a kitchen.  
"Do you want some coffee?"She said as she boiled a jug and got mugs out.  
"Uh yeah okay. Milk two sugars."  
"Awesome. Go set up the X-Box and we'll play a game."

I turned around and went back into the hall. Directly across from me was the lounge. I went over to the tv and stared at it all. It had been a while since I had played video games. Three years basically. The last time had been the day before my godfather, Greg, had died. I had just gotten home from work and Greg had been cleaning up after his last student for the day. He had ordered pizza and we'd spent the rest of the night playing video games. The next day he had a heart attack and had died on the way to the hospital. After the funeral his family had kicked me out out. It hadn't been a blood relation after all. Right when that funeral ended, that had been what had caused my life to start rolling downhill. Without Greg, I had no friends.

My family hated me because I was gay. They had kicked me out at sixteen. Greg had taken me in and had been the only person to not give me shit for it. He had given me a room and had helped me get a job. After he had died, I had taken bereavement leave. When I got back there was a new owner and new staff. Thank christ they had kept me on. Until now of course.  
"You having trouble?"Alicia pulled me out of my thoughts.  
"Oh no I just got distracted with my thoughts,"I mumbled.  
"Well your coffee is on the left. Here I'll do-"  
"I'm ready! You guys ready to go?"  
"Damn,"She sighed.  
Mikey walked into the room and looked at us,"I guess not. Leave your coffees. I want lunch."


	4. Better Stay On That Side Of The Street, Mother Fucker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://25.media.tumblr.com/af7862831b90524a81ee4d7a429ca06d/tumblr_mm2frg9f0h1rof87xo1_1280.png thats the town i was struggling with when they walk and the layout of their area so here

_December 2nd_  
  
 _Black. Everything was black. A wide expanse of velvety black. I couldn't see anything. No matter where I looked, it was all black. A sudden burst of colour erupted across my vision. Bright red with slashes of silver and hazel. With it came an incredibly strong feeling of sadness and coldness. I could feel myself shivering._

"Jesus christ,"I gasped, sitting up and panicking. When I managed to calm my breathing and get my eyes adjusted to the light I was able to untangle myself from the curtains on my bed. I was down at the end of it, almost falling off. I crawled up my bed and grabbed my phone. Three in the morning.  
"Mother fucker,"I groaned and slammed my head back down into my pillow, falling asleep instantly.

*

"Gerard! Phone for you!"Someone shouted. I opened my eyes as my door opened,"Gerard this is someone about a job,"Mom said urgently. I sat up straight and kicked my blankets off of me, tumbling through the curtains. Mom handed me the phone and grinned at me.  
"Hello?"I croaked.  
"Hi, Gerard. It's Daisy here from Sweet Things? We'd like you to come in for an interview today at two o'clock if thats possible?"  
"Yes! That- thats definitely possible. Thank you,"I gushed, wide awake suddenly. Mom's grin grew even wider.  
"Brilliant. Just- ask for me. I'll be around."  
"Awesome. Thank you so much. I'll see you later then,"I grinned back at Mom, unable to contain my glee as I ended the call. 

"I got an interview!"I grinned.  
"Oooh well done you! Where is it?"Mom said as we walked out.  
"Oh uh it- it's just at this uh this bakery place a few blocks over,"I yawned. My dream came back to me suddenly, almost making me stop walking.  
"Oh well thats nice. If you get the job you can start paying rent,"She grinned at me, pouring out a cup of coffee for us both.  
"Wouldn't have it any other way,"I smiled and took my coffee from her,"I'm just gonna make a call. I won't be long. Kay?"  
"Alright sweetie."

I poked my head into the lounge, hoping Mikey was in there, but the only sign that he had been here was two full cups of coffee sitting on the coffee table.  
"Where's Mikey?"I called as I walked to my bedroom.  
"Gone to have lunch with Alicia and this friend of hers."  
"Oh. He could have asked me if I wanted to come."  
"You were sleeping. I told him not to wake your jet lag."  
"Mom I don't have jetlag,"I muttered, closing my door to Mom's rambling.

I flopped onto my bed and grabbed my phone, pressing star 1 to speed dial my therapist.  
"Gerard! Hey! How are things?"Jade gushed.  
"Good! Good. They took my return really well. Everyone was happy to see me. Ray did punch me but then he hugged me,"I chuckled.  
"Ray's the one with the hair right?"  
"Yeah,"I smiled, picking at a loose thread on my bed cover."  
"So. You need to talk to me about something or do you just miss me?"

"I need to talk to you because I miss you,"I said, rolling onto my stomach to stare into my closet.  
"What did you want to talk about?"Jade asked. She could always tell when something was bothering me.  
"The dream is back."  
"Oh no. Which one?"Jade said sadly.  
"Darkness then colours. But it was worse last night because I felt this horrible sadness and coldness. I woke up freezing cold and tangled in my blankets."  
"Right. Was there anything more defined in this one?"  
"The silver was curved. It- it almost looked like a ring,"I scratched my head, begging the memory of the dream to come back properly.

Jade was silent for a moment,"What do you think it means?"  
"This is probably gonna sound weird as shit but the- the colours all together almost seemed really familiar... Like- like they belong to a person and I know that person... I dunno..."  
"That seems normal..."Jade said slowly.  
"Liar."  
"Yeah that's a little weird,"She said. I could hear the girn in her voice.  
"What's the time?"I yawned again, feeling sleep start a battle to take over.  
"Almost half twelve."  
"Oh shit. I need to get ready. I have a job interview at two,"I said, jumping up and going to my closet.  
"Lucky you! We can have a skype call tonight say eight?"  
"Yeah that works. Long distant sessions,"I grinned.  
"Awesome. Good luck!"She said loudly and hung up. I threw my phone behind me and grabbed my nicest cleanest clothes before dashing into the bathroom.

*

"Gerard can you please get that?!"Mom yelled as someone knocked on the door.  
"Uh- yeah gimme a sec!"I shouted, struggling to pull my head through my t-shirt. I stumbled out into the hall towards what I hoped was the front door,"Who is it?!"  
"Alicia! I'm coming in!"She called back. The door opened nearby,"Oh dude. What the hell happened to you?"  
"Shut up. I was putting it on in a rush and I got stuck,"I sighed and stopped moving,"Help me."  
"Frank just go and sit in the lounge. I won't be long I just have to sort this bozo out."  
"Okay,"A small yet deep voice said. Alicia grabbed my arm and led me back into my room.  
"Barely known you two days and I'm already helping you get dressed. What does that say about you?"She said as she tugged on my t-shirt.  
"Ow- I don't know. That I'm an idiot?"I grumbled.

Alicia gave my top one hard tug and pulled it off of me completely,"Yes. That's right,"She smiled at me and handed my top to me.  
"I'm burning this bastard of a top tonight. Care to join the bonfire?"I threw the evil top down to the floor and found a different one.  
"Yeah sure why not. Frank and I can burn our work uniforms. We both lost our job yesterday. Lucky for him they've given him a weeks notice. Just grabbing something from Mikey's bedroom. See you tonight!"She called as she left before I could ask who the hell Frank was. I checked my face in the mirror and decided this was the best it was going to get. 

"Mom I'm off now! I'll see you at dinner!"I called, grabbing my phone, wallet and jacket before leaving the house,"Fuck its cold,"I muttered as I pulled my jacket on. I grabbed my iPod out of my pocket and turned it on. Metallica started blasting into my ears, giving me a fright. I turned it down and trudged off down towards Symonds Street. Alicia and whoever Frank was can't have gotten far ahead, they had only left about two minutes before me. I stared up the street and saw two figures right at the very end. I watched as they turned onto Symond Street. Damn they were fast. I hurried after them before realising they probably weren't going down Wellesly. Bugger. I wanted to meet this mysterious Frank. I had heard Alicia talking to Mikey about how worried she was for him. Mikey had gotten a little jealous and had asked if he was good looking and if she liked him. Alicia just completely shot him down. She was pretty damn awesome. I pulled my jacket around me tighter and made my way to Sweet Things.

*

"You- you want to hire me? Oh my gosh thank you so much,"I grinned widely, fighting the urge to kiss Daisy.  
"We're happy to have you with us,"She grinned back.  
"Wow okay thank you oh man. Uh when do I start?"  
"Whenever possible,"She smiled.  
"Great uh day after tomorrow?"  
"Sure! I'll email you the shifts and times. Tomorrow we can sort out the details of pay and your uniform and all that stuff tomorrow because I've got a meeting to get to. Just come in at nine tomorrow,"Daisy stood up and held her hand out,"It was lovely to meet you. I look forward to you working with us."  
"Nice to meet you too. Thank you so much oh my god,"I grinned, shaking her small cool hand. 

She flicked her long black hair over her shoulder before walking away. I stood there for a second before turning around and leaving, desperate to go and see Mikey at work so I could tell him the good news. I walked as fast as I could through the pouring rain out onto Wellesly Street. In the two minutes it took to get to the end of Wellesley and onto Symonds I was soaked through to the bone, teeth chattering and body shaking. I decided to just run the rest of the way, almost skidding over when I turned onto Elliston Street. I slowed down once I reached the video games store. 

"Gerard!"Mikey chimed when I walked in,"To what do I owe the torture?"  
"Dick,"I smiled, watching him stack games on a shelf,"I came to tell you that I got a job."  
"Really? That was pretty quick. They must be desperate to take you on."  
"Fuck you man. Be proud of me for getting a job this fast,"I shoved him lightly.  
"No I am I am sorry,"He grinned at me,"I really am happy for you, Gerard."  
"Don't get all soppy on me. You had your chance for that yesterday,"I looked away as memories of three years ago drifted through my mind.  
"Is that the only reason you came here?"Mikey asked, flattening a box loudly.  
"Uh yeah I guess. What time do you finish? We can go catch a movie or something with the guys."

"Innnn three hours. I'll text the guys on my break,"Mikey said as he started walking towards the counter, me following behind.  
"Great. I need to go and buy some stuff now so I will catch you later,"I gave a small salute and left the store,  
"Buy me something pretty!"He called as the door shut behind me. I stood and looked. It had been a while since I had been here but Elliston Street was pretty much the same. There were a few new shops but otherwise everything was the same. I turned left and started my shopping.

*

"Did you buy me something pretty?"Mikey poked his head into my room as I powered up my new laptop.  
"Yes I did actually,"I stared at my bags, trying to find the right one. I spotted it far away and groaned as I got up from my bed,"Here,"I pulled out a bottle of girls perfume.  
"Something pretty!"Mikey almost ran over and snatched it out of my hands.  
"Don't spray it in here,"I said absently as I tried to speed up my laptop.  
"It doesn't actually smell that bad. I'll give it to Alicia,"Mikey said, slipping it into his pocket,"What else did you buy?"  
"Laptop. New phone. Some CDs. We still going to the movies?"I said as I connected to the internet. God bless wi-fi.  
"Yeah Pete and Gabe can make it but no one else can. Sorry. Too last minute,"Mikey said as he walked out,"We're leaving soon so be ready!"

"Wait I didn't agree to this what- Mikey! Come back!"I stared at my door, hoping he would come back but the only response I got was the shutting of his door,"Well fuck you then."  
I checked my emails and found the roster from Daisy. I had 34 hours starting the fourth of December. Awesome.  
"Hey Gerard have you met Frank?"Mikey was suddenly back in my room, sitting down on my bed and closing my laptop.  
"Oi I'm busy,"I glared and opened my laptop back up.  
"I asked you a question. Answer me,"He shut it again.  
"Dick!"

"Answer my question!"Mikey mimicked my voice.  
"What was it? Do I know who?"I sighed, moving out of the way so I could deal with my annoying little brother.  
"Frank. Frankie. The little guy that made Alicia feel better,"Mikey poked my leg with his toe.  
"Quit it. And no I haven't met him. Although I did have my head stuck in a top when he was at the door with Alicia. Does that count?"  
"No it doesn't- wait what? Why were they here?"  
"Alicia had to grab something from your room,"I got up from my bed and poked through my bags until I found the right one.

"Oh right. But anyway. You should meet Frank. You'd like him."  
I pulled sat back down onto my bed with the bag,"Yeah who is he? Where did he come from?"I asked as I emptied out the bag.  
"You know how Alicia turned up crying?"Mikey asked, watching with interest as I started drawing the Misfits skull onto my new white chucks.  
"Mmm."  
"Well he was at the store. He made her feel better and then she found out that he-"Mikey stopped talking suddenly. I looked up from my shoe at him.  
"That he what?"  
"I don't think I should say. I mean Alicia told me because she needed to talk about it but it's not really my place to go telling other people..."

"So don't tell me. Just tell me who the hell he is and why Alicia felt comfortable bringing him inside when she doesn't even live here,"I sighed, going back to my shoes.  
"Okay well she found out he is going through the same thing she went through and now she wants to help him. He had lunch with us today before I started work. He's a quiet guy but he seems to be interested in the same stuff as us and when he does actually talk he's pretty funny,"Mikey said, lying down on his chest across the foot of my bed.  
"Why are you telling me this? I'm sure I'll end up meeting him at some point,"I muttered as I moved onto the other shoe.  
"I don't- I don't know I just wanted to know if you'd met him... He works in the cafe down the road from work."

"Didn't he lose his job?"I moved my hand away and stared at my shoe, trying to figure out why it looked weird,"Does this look weird?"I held my shoe in Mikey's face.  
"Little bit yeah. And yeah he did. How'd you know?"  
"Alicia told me. Which brings me to another thing. I cant make it to the movies tonight,"I said, grabbing the twink and fixing my shoe.  
"Why? Why does mentioning Alicia remind you that you are busy?"  
"Jesus calm down. She's bringing Frank to my bonfire,"I muttered.  
"Excuse me? Bonfire?"Mikey sat up and stared at me, a comical look of confusion on his face.  
"Yeah we're burning our shirts."  
"What? Gerard explain."  
"Don't worry. What movie are we going to see?"I chuckled, looking down at my shoe.

"I- we don't know yet. We're choosing when we get there."  
"Hey why did I hear a dog the other day?"I asked suddenly, the thought basically hitting me around the head.  
"Oh! Right. We were looking after next door's dog, Arya, while they were away on holiday. They actually got back the day you got here. Mom took her back before she went to work."  
"Oh. I thought you guys had gotten a dog."  
"Fuck no. Alicia's allergic."  
"Right well I'm done,"I said, holding my shoes up,"We going to the movies or what?"

*

"That movie kicked ass!"  
"Fuck yeah man! When all the suits turned up and basically saved the day! Jesus christ!"Bob agreed with Ray.  
"Jesus, that dance that Tony did when he was testing the new suit? Fuck me that was cute,"I gushed. Pete, Gabe, Bob, Ray, Mikey and I had just gotten out of the movie theatre having just seen Iron Man 3. It was almost midnight and I was exhausted.  
"It was only in 3D for the sake of being in 3D but still, it was fucking awesome,"Mikey said.  
"I don't understand though,"I said as we slowly started walking towards the bridge across the Pixel River. I would never ever understand the name of the river,"If he destroyed all of his suits, how are they going to do the next Avengers movie?"  
"I'm not sure... Maybe he'll build a new one?"Ray shrugged his shoulders.  
"Yeah but if he got the shit out of his heart then he doesnt need the thing which is what powered the suit right?"

"True... Huh,"Bob said thoughtfully as we walked to the middle of the bridge, Pete and Gabe lagging behind.  
"Who cares, they'll figure it out. You guys noticed those two?"Mikey said quietly, pointing to Pete and Gabe leaning over the edge of the bridge, close together and talking quietly.  
"Mmm. Never would have thought Pete would be interested in a guy. Ever. He was always such a manwhore in school,"I smiled, watching Pete laugh at something Gabe said.  
"Mmm. Come on, lets go,"Mikey pushed away from the fencing of the bridge and started walking back down to Elliston Crescent.  
"Aren't you going to Alicias?"I asked, following close behind as Ray and Bob started talking about something.  
"Yeah. That's why I don't want to be too late."

*

_December 3rd_

__

I trudged through the snow as fast as I could, trying not to let my teeth chatter so much. Stupid fucking Mom wanting me to go home and put some fucking chicken in the fridge. Why had she put it out so early in the morning anyway? It only made it thaw out too quickly. And it didn't help that Mikey had made a big joke out of it, laughing at me as I left the coffee shop. I rounded the path and rushed up to the front door, fumbling to hold my key straight and put it into the lock. When the door opened I walked in, stamping the snow from my feet and shutting it quietly behind me. It was fucking freezing. It was almost new years eve and the weather was the worst in a long time. There was a loud noise down the hall that made me freeze. I pulled my gloves off and grabbed an umbrella from next to the door.

"Hello?"I called softly, taking a few tentative steps forward. I couldn't hear anything else so I walked a few more steps, peering into the lounge and kitchen when I passed them. Nothing. My bedroom door was open and was how I left it. Mikey's room looked impossible to even get inside. Which left Mom and Dad's room. They were both at work right now. I raised my umbrella and slowly pushed the door open.  
"Holy- fuck Dad!"I dropped my umbrella and stared at him hanging from the ceiling. For a whole two seconds I was stuck there on the spot, taking in the piece of paper sitting on the bed, the fallen chair and my Dad. Eyes closed, body limp as he slowly spun. I turned around and ran to the kitchen, grabbed the first sharp knife and sprinted back, grabbing the chair and standing up. I sawed at the rope as fast as I could, swearing when it broke and he fell to the ground with a horrible thud. 

I grabbed my phone and called for an ambulance and police, telling them what had happened while I checked his pulse. Nothing. When the lady on the phone had reassured me that they were on their way I started to call Mom but just stopped. Dad's body was just lying there in a twisted heap. Unmoving yet still warm like he had just woken up. I stumbled backwards, dropping my phone without even realising. I hit the wall and sank to the ground, feeling the tears spill over and fall down my cheeks and onto my neck. Some time later someone knocked at the door. Try as I might, I couldn't make myself get up.  
"Hello? Is there anyone in there?"They thumped on the door,"Step away from the door if you're there!"

I stayed still as they started bashing the door in, breaking through within seconds. Another few seconds and they were in the room, going straight to my Dad. One of them peeled off and came over to me, going on about me being in shock or something.  
"Gerard was it? Do you want to come into the kitchen and get a hot drink?"She smiled kindly at me.  
"My- my Mom I- I didn't call her I couldn't-"I finally tore my eyes away from my Dad's lifeless body and looked at her, my vision blurring with tears.  
"Do you want us to call her?"She asked as the paramedics took the body away. I nodded numbly, barely noticing as she pulled me to my feet. 

I sat down on the bed and watched as she called Mom from my phone. I looked to my left and stared at the note covered in my father's handwriting. I picked it up and looked at it for a second before screwing it up and throwing it at the wall. I put my head in my hands and stared at the ground, trying not to focus on anything.  
"No- no I live here that- thats my Dad! Dad whats wrong?!"It was Mikey. That completely put me over the edge. I broke down as his footsteps sounded in the house,"Gerard?!"  
"I- over here!"I managed to croak out. He appeared in the door way, clocked the noose and the chair and his face just crumpled up. 

A policeman walked in and started asking me what happened.  
"I- my Mom sent me home to put some chicken in the fridge and when I got inside I heard a noise so I crept down here and- I- I found him just hanging there.."I whispered,"I need to put the chicken in the fridge,"I stood up.  
"No sonny, don't worry about the chicken okay? Your mother will be here soon. Just drink the tea that Belinda is making you and just relax okay?"He kept his hand on my shoulder. 

"Gerard will you shut up!"Someone yelled. I opened my eyes with a gasp.  
"What?"I croaked out. struggling to identify where I was.  
"You've been moaning about fucking chicken for ten minutes. I got home from work two hours ago now please let me sleep!"Mom yelled through my door.  
"I- sorry,"I mumbled, rolling onto my stomach as the dream came back to me. Mother fucker. I felt around for my phone and speed dialled Jade.  
"Gerard hi. I can't talk for long. I have a session in ten."  
"The- the dream is back."  
"The dream?"Jade asked, worry filling her voice.  
"Yes."  
"How are you doing? Got any cravings?"  
"No not yet. I only just woke up."

I rubbed at my eyes, trying to push the sight of Dad lying on the ground away.  
"Gerard you know that so long as you can fight the cravings then this won't even be considered a relapse of any kind."  
"I know I just... I thought they were gone you know?"I sighed, the image of him Mom's blank face burned onto the back of my eyelids.  
"Gerard you remember when you told me about your Dad? How you said the drinking was the only way to stop the nightmares?"Jade asked softly.  
"Mmm hmm."  
"Well think about it. The first few weeks you were having them almost every night. After your first six months, they stopped. You had a blip six months after they stopped and that was only because it was almost new years. You haven't had any since then. Almost two whole years Gerard. The only reason you've had one now is because you're back home and it's December. Don't let it get you down okay? You're gonna be fine."

"I don't have you here though. It's going to be hard,"I sighed.  
"Gerard. You don't need me or alcohol to get through this okay? You went five months without me. You can do this. I know you can because you've done it before. Remember that okay? I have to go now. I'll call you tomorrow okay?"Jade said firmly.  
"Yep okay. Talk to you tomorrow,"I hung up with a sigh and buried my head under my pillow, falling asleep almost straight away. 

*

"Gerard you lazy fuck get the hell up."  
"Fuck. Off,"I grumbled, gripping my pillow tightly as Mikey tried to pull it off my head.  
"Gerard it is past lunch o'clock. Come on, even Mom is up,"He punched my head through the pillow and got left the room.  
"I fucking hate you,"I groaned and surfaced from the mess of blankets and pillows. In the five minutes it took me to actually get out of my bed Mom had yelled out about cooking breakfast despite it being 'lunch o'clock'. I staggered out into the hallway and down to the kitchen where Mom was at the bench cooking bacon and eggs.  
"I wont have any, Mom,"I yawned, feeling the need for proper coffee.  
"I wasn't cooking you any,"She replied.  
"Gee thanks,"I muttered, drinking a glass of water. 

I went back to my room and pulled some wrinkly jeans on and a t-shirt that was probably messier than my hair. I went to my mirror and stared at myself. I was wrong. My hair was worse than my shirt. I tried smoothing it down a bit more before giving up all together and leaving,"I'm just going for a walk!"I called as I headed out the front door. Instead of walking towards Symonds Street I made my way down to Newton Road. Someone was walking towards me on the other side of the street and they were staring at me. I kept my head down and picked up my pace but I knew I was done for when they shouted,"Oh my fucking god! Gerard?!"

I looked over and stopped walking as they crossed the road.  
"Gerard Way right?"The guy looked at me incredulously, a big smile on his face.  
"Uh- yeah. Sorry I don't remember-"My last word was cut off at a punch to my jaw,"Oh fuck!"  
"You fucker,"He growled as I stagged away from him. He stayed at the edge of the curb, glaring at me.  
"What the fuck was that for?!"I shouted, spitting blood out onto the sidewalk. Jesus fucking christ that hurt so bad.  
"You seriously don't remeber me? Fuck you,"He took a step closer. I matched him, backing away as I swished my tongue about my mouth, ignoring the metal taste of my blood as I felt for any loose teeth.

"I dont. I was an alcoholic okay? Can you- jesus this hurts. I'm sorry for whatever I did to you okay? Whether I gave you some sort of a disease or just didn't call you back I'm sorry. I was drunk for four years so just- sorry."  
"I don't give a fuck. You broke my brothers fucking heart,"He spat. Literally, on my feet.  
"Dude I already fucking told you I don't remember anything and that I'm sorry! Jesus fucking christ do you have to be a dick about it?"I glared back at him, willing the bleeding to stop. I couldn't even find where it was coming from.  
"Fuck you. You better watch your back,"He gave me one last look of pure anger before storming back across the road. 

"Jesus. I really need a drink now,"I found myself saying. I straightened up as I realised it was the beginning of a craving,"Coffee."  
I spat out some more blood and continued walking up Newton Road, onto Waterloo, went past my new work and went through the park onto Elliston Street. Mikey's words of Frank drifted into my mind so I walked up the street towards the cafe where I had been told he worked.


	5. Gerard Way

_3rd Dec._

"Holy shit,"I stared at the screen, trying to take it in. There was just over six hundred bucks in my accounts. I stared and stared, fighting the urge to get it all out and go home to see Mom, claiming I had seen the error of my ways and I was ready to be a family member again. It would be the lie of the century but it would get me a hug from her. But what if she found out? She'd kill me. I pushed aside the thought of my useless Mom and started thinking about bills and food. Rent. Bills. Food. That was what I had to do. I took it all out in cash and stuffed it into my wallet, leaving for the power company.

*

"That red there. That is definitely the better one,"The clerk smiled at me, pointing at the bright red hair dye.  
"Okay great. Thank you,"I smiled back and grabbed the one she had indicated along with the bleach. With my rent for the next two weeks paid off, the cable, power and water companies happy and enough food for two weeks in my trolley, I had just enough to spoil myself. My hair was going back to how it used to be.

"That comes to one hundred and thirty four dollars,"The lady at the cash register said, staring at me expectantly.  
"Awesome,"I grabbed out the last of my money and handed it over to her, feeling like a little part of me went with it. She gave me the six bucks change and I took all my bags, ignoring the dread at walking all of this home in the cold.

*

"Good lord, Frank. Why'd you bring the emo back?"Lily joked the second she caught sight of my old haircut's return.  
"Ha ha,"I laughed at her sarcastically, going out back to put my apron on. The first hour of my second to last day of work went by fast. But then Miranda turned up.  
"Jesus fucking christ. Looking like a faggot wasn't enough then huh? Had to make it an emo faggot?"Miranda shoved past me and made me spill the coffee that I was about to take out.  
"Dammit,"I muttered, setting it down and wiping the burning hot coffee from my hand.  
"You should watch where you're going,"Miranda said, shoving into me again as she walked to the coffee machine. Instead of getting upset. I got angry.

"You seem to have a habit of walking into me. Maybe I'm not the one that needs to watch where I'm going. Slut,"I said as I cleaned up my coffee and walked out into the dining area, the look on her face making my smile a genuine one. I went back around and shoved her out of the way,"I'm on coffee today. You need to take orders,"I smiled at her as someone walked inside. Miranda gave me a look of outrage, shocked at my sudden defensive side, and moved over to the till to smile at the guy with dirty black hair. I turned to the order screen and waited for his order to come up. Long black. Simple. I got it done in record time, smiling widely at Miranda who looked pissed off. I hadn't cut since I had met Alicia and I felt bloody good about life.

I walked around into the dining area and scanned the room for the customer. I spotted him and started walking over. He was bent over the table, drawing something. I was two tables away when he looked up at me and I walked into a table, dropping the coffee in the process. I felt myself coil up inside as I watched the mug shatter and the coffee go everywhere. I was never going to hear the end of this. Especially after just having told Miranda to watch where she was going. Fuck.  
"Oh my god are you okay?"The guy was suddenly on his knees in front of me, picking up the pieces of my broken coffee.  
"I- I'm fine,"I stuttered out. I could see Miranda in the corner of my eye looking so fucking smug as she made a coffee. Lily came out of her office and took a look at the scene.

"Frank don't make a customer pick it up,"She hissed. I was just frozen.  
I watched as the guy slowly straightened up, setting the broken pieces on the table I had walked into as he said,"I got the big ones but you'll need to mop up the coffee and get the little bits."  
"I-"  
He finally looked at me properly and froze.  
"You- your hair- I"He stammered. I had no idea what he was trying to say.  
"Frank go on your break. Sir, I'm so sorry about this. What was your drink?"Lily came over, shoving me away.  
"I- A a long black but I..."His words faded away as I staggered into the room out back, feeling like throwing up.

"Well done,"Miranda came and leaned on the doorframe, watching me slip my apron off and falling into a seat. I took in a few deep breaths and tried to calm myself. Why was I having an anxiety attack over this?  
"Miranda make that man another long black,"Lily pushed past her and came to stand in front of me,"Frank you okay?"  
"I uh..."  
"Because the guy said you didn't look too well. He wants to talk to you,"Lily said quietly.  
"What? Why?"I looked up at her, feeling the adrenilane leave me.  
"I don't know. Go ask him yourself."

I stared at Lily's back in thought as she left. I took in a few breaths, absently scratching my arm, before realising what I was doing.  
"Dammit,"I muttered as I felt it broke open. It didn't really hurt anymore. I had gotten so use to it. Maybe thats why I was finding it so easy not to cut. I pulled my sleeve up and held down on the small spot that was bleeding slightly. The sooner they healed the better. I pulled my sleeve back down when it seemed to have stopped bleeding and grabbed my water bottle from my bag and went out into the dining area. The guy was at a different seat, in the corner. Away from everyone. I walked over slowly, unsure if I should sit at his table, when he looked up and stared at me weirdly.

"I uh... Lily said, my boss, she said you wanted to talk to me?"I asked, standing next to the table and looking down at him. My eyes drifted from his familiar face to what he was drawing. It looked like panels for a comic.  
He cleared his throat and kicked a chair out smoothly for me to sit down. Without even thinking I fell down into the seat, setting my bottle down and staring at him.  
"You uh... You just- you look really familiar,"He coughed out.  
"I know. I mean like- you look familiar as well,"I stammered. Why was my heart racing? Why was I going into another anxiety attack? I could feel it happening. My palms were sweating like crazy, every hair on my body was standing up, begging me to remove myself from the situation. And still, I sat there.

"Whats your name?"He asked me quietly.  
"Frank. You?"  
"Gerard."  
That sparked a memory. I scrabbled at the blurry memory floating towards my mind but lost it when Gerard said,"I- I think I had a dream about you..."  
"What?"I looked up from his drawing at his face.  
"I- nevermind. I must be going insane. What- whats that little thing under your lip?"  
"Oh,"Instinctively I sucked my lip into my mouth before realising what I was doing,"I used to have a lip ring."

Gerard stared at me, a weird look on his face.  
"Sorry I- I'm Alicia's boyfriend's brother,"He spluttered out suddenly.  
"The one caught in the top?"I asked, drinking some of my water.  
"Yeah. Mikey told me to meet you. He said I would like you..."Gerard said slowly, looking up at Miranda as she came over with his new coffee.  
"Why did it take so long to make that?"I asked as she set it down.  
"I- I don't know. Ask Lily,"Miranda mumbled to me,"Sorry about Frank over here. He's a bit of a mess because we've had to fire him,"She smiled widely at him. She was about to hit on him.  
"Oh it's no problem at all,"Gerard replied, taking a sip of his coffee and looking across at my face, I had no idea how I looked, probably like shit, and it was making me uncomfortable.  
"Just lemme know if you need anything. Anything at all,"She smiled even wider at him,"Frank your breaks over."

"Is Lily still out of the office?"I asked, not even saying goodbye to Gerard as I jumped up and followed her away.  
"Yup. Looks like you're back on dishes freak. Make sure you don't trip over,"She smiled as we moved behind the counter. I trudged into the kitchen area and stared at the mess of the breakfast dishes. I grabbed the scrubbing brush and started washing them, hating every second of it. As I scrubbed and stacked them, my thoughts drifted to Gerard. I couldnt understand why he seemed so familiar. I had only met him once. And I hadn't even seen his face. And why was I familiar to him? He had nice eyes. And despite looking greasy as shit, his hair made me want to run my fingers through it over and over again. Styled around his face and the blackest black.

"Oi dickwad. Lily needs you,"Miranda suddenly pulled me out of my thoughts. I dropped the plate I was washing, dried my hands and went out the front. There were barely any customers at all.  
"Frank I need to run to the supernarket to get more milk. I wont be five minutes but I need you on the coffee machine,"Lily said, already on her way out.  
"No problem,"I muttered.  
"What? I make much better coffees than him! His coffees are shit!"Miranda burst out. It was useless though. Lily was on the phone and out the door. I ignored Mirandas muttering and went to the coffee machine. There was nothing to be made so I started cleaning, fighting the urge to push my soggy sleeves up.

"Hey. Found something I can do for you?"Miranda said behind me in that sickly sweet voice.  
"Uh yeah. Can you get Frank for me?"Gerard asked. I spun around and walked straight over, trying not to look too smug.  
"What can I do for you?"I smiled at him.  
"You left your bottle at my table. And I would also like another coffee,"He smiled over the counter at me.  
"Thank you,"I took it from him, fighting the grin as Miranda backed away angrily,"Long black again?"  
"Definitely,"He smiled and handed me five bucks,"Keep the change,"He said with a wink. I blinked as he went and sat back down at a table round by the coffee machine. I ran the order through and went over to the coffee machine where Gerard was telling Miranda he wanted me to make the coffee.

I got to work, taking care with the shot's creamer. Long blacks could look delicious or like complete shit and Miranda's had looked like crap so I was determined to make it look good. Once it was done I took it round to him, being careful not to walk into any tables.  
"Well done! You didn't walk into any tables!"He grinned.  
"Ha ha,"I laughed sarcastically.  
"Only joking,"He sat back and stared at me as I set it down.  
"Why are you looking at me like that? Stop it,"I took a step back as Lily walked back in with two bags of milk.  
"Fag you're back on dishes,"Miranda called suddenly. I turned around and went back behind the counter.

"Frank put your sleeves up this time,"Lily called as I went past. Fuck.  
"Sure thing, Lily,"I muttered. I stood at the sink and slowly pulled my disgustingly wet sleeves. I couldn't pull them up a millimetre without some sort of cut or scar showing. I stared at my wrist for a minute before letting out a groan. Fuck it. I pulled my sleeves right up just as Miranda came and stared at me.  
"That's disgusting. That is actually really disgusting,"She said through a mouthful of the cake she was holding.  
"If it's so disgusting then why are you staring?"I sighed as I got stuck in. I was barely halfway through the huge pile.  
"How can you handle looking at yourself? Do you ever wake up and look in the mirror and just think about how gross you are?"Miranda asked loudly,"I mean, you're super skinny. Not the nice skinny though. The ugly skinny. And I bet you have more cuts all over your body. And to top it all off you like dick. Therefore you're a disgusting human being,"She smiled at me cheerfully before walking out. I did my best to hold in the tears, I really did, but I couldn't stop them from sliding down my cheeks. My shoulders shook with silent sobs, desperate to get out and make a sound.

"How dare you?!"Someone outside spat. I froze, listening carefully.  
"I'm sorry?"That was Miranda.  
"You cannot talk to someone like that. That is what makes someone a disgusting human being,"Jesus that was Gerard. I dropped the dishes and went outside to see what was going on. Gerard was standing about three feet away from the door, just at the edge of the counter, blocking Miranda's way.  
"I'm sorry but how is this any of your business?"Miranda asked in a bored tone, looking down at her nails.  
"It's my business because that is my fucking friend and you just talked to like that. What gives you the right to say something so despicable to a human being?"Gerard looked at her incredulously as Lily slowly walked over, her eyes flying between the two of them.

"Is everything alright here?"  
"Everything is fine,"Miranda sighed.  
"No everything is not fucking fine. You have the most disgusting employee I have ever met,"Gerard glared at Miranda. Lily glanced at me, taking in my bare arms before nodding.  
"I do apologse Sir. Tomorrow is his last day working with us,"Lily said. Gerard narrowed his eyes, finally noticing me.  
"I wasn't talking about, Frank. I was talking about this little bitch in front of me. She was talking to him in the most disgusting way I have ever heard,"Gerard growled.  
"Oh I uh-"  
"The fact that you immediately assumed it was Frank pisses me off even more. I am clearly tallking about the girl in front of me because I am in front of her glaring at her,"He turned his glare onto Lily.  
"Gerard don't- don't worry about it,"I found myself saying,"It's not worth it."

"Not- not worth it?! They're treating you like a piece of shit in the sewer! You deserve so much better than that!"  
"It doesn't matter okay! She's been treating me like that ever since she found out I'm gay what's going to change her mind now? Please just leave it,"I sighed, pulling my sleeves down, feeling exposed and vulnerable suddenly.  
"I am absolutely appalled by this. I want my money back for the coffee and I'm telling everyone about this. Frank I don't think you should continue working today or even come into work tomorrow. Come on,"Gerard looked at me pleadingly.  
"Frank I've paid you for tomorrow already,"Lily said in a warning tone.  
"Tough shit. I'm sick,"I spat at her feet. Literally. I went into the locker room, grabbed my bag and walked back out.

"Hey everyone?!"Gerard called suddenly.  
"Oh god,"Lily groaned as everyone in the shop stopped drinking and eating and looked over at Gerard who was climbing up onto a table.  
"These two women here are terrible. Their coffees aren't the greatest but that's not the worst thing. No. The worst thing is how they've treated my friend Frank here,"Gerard pointed down at me,"Insulting him and poking fun at his personal problems and struggles. I would not buy anything from here at all."  
"Also,"I spoke up, taking a step forward,"There's a cockroach problem in the kitchen and the owner likes to reuse food when she can. Ask for your money back and tell everyone!"I smiled as Gerard jumped down,"Adios bitches,"I smiled at Miranda and Lily's horror stricken faces and left with Gerard.

Outside, the wind was bitter and the sky was threatening to burst. My wet sleeves clung to my arms and made it even worse for me. I hadn't brought my jacket with me today.  
"So uh... Thank you. For that. You didn't have to do that,"I said over the whistle of the wind as we started walking up towards Symonds Street.  
"I did have to. I'm not the type of person to sit by and listen to someone go through that sort of abuse. I just cant believe someone could say something like that,"Gerard basically hissed, the anger still bristling off of him in waves.  
"Well either way, thank you,"I glanced at him through my hair to see him staring hard at the ground as we walked.  
"Can- can we just stop in the video game store? I just want to see my brother quickly."  
"Mikey right?"I said as we slowed to a stop.

Gerard didnt answer me, just went straight inside, me following close behind.  
"Angus. Yeah hi. You don't know me but I sort of know you. Is Mikey around?"Gerard was talking to the guy that had dealt with Alicia and that dickhead of a customer the other day.  
"Who's asking?"The guy stood up straight and folded his arms, making him look very intimidating.  
"His brother, Gerard."  
"Mikey doesn't have a brother. I should know. Don't lie to me. Who are you?"He stared down his nose at Gerard, clearly thinking he was superior.  
"God dammit he didnt tell you about me? For fucks sake,"Gerard sighed,"Look I am his brother okay?"  
"Mikey has worked for me for two and a half years. I should know if he's got a brother or not. Now you can tell me the truth or leave."  
"Fuck. Mikey?!"Gerard called suddenly.

"Yo!"Mikey walked out of a door and spotted Gerard,"Gerard. What are you doing here?"  
"I need to talk to you,"Gerard grabbed his brother and dragged him away from a confused looking 'Angus'. I watched Gerard start ranting and raving at his brother as they walked around a set of shelves and out of sight. I sighed and started wandering myself.  
"Wait Frank's here?"I heard Mikey say a few shelves over.  
"Yeah I- I don't know why but I think I dreamed about him,"Gerard sighed. I stilled and peaked through the gaps in the shelves. I could just see a strip of their bodies two rows over.  
"But- you haven't met him before have you?"  
"No I haven't. And it wasn't him exactly but it was more- the- his- his colours? This sounds fucking weird,"Gerard sighed.  
"Damn right it's weird. What do you mean by his colours? When I met him there was only one colour. Black."

"Black, red, hazel and cold silver. Those are the colours I dreamt about and I have a fucking painting from my night art class in Cali with those colours. And it sort of makes sense now. Black and red hair, hazel eyes and the silver lip ring."  
"Frank doesn't have a lip ring,"Mikey said.  
"He used to.  
"How do you know?"  
"He told me."  
"What else did he tell you?"Mikey asked.  
"Not much actually. He's a little... I dunno. Shy? Socially awkward?"Gerard sighed.  
"Alicia said he- I mean I don't want to go spreading shit about the poor guy but-"  
"He self harms? Yeah I saw."  
"What, did he show you?"  
"No he- he must have been doing the dishes or something. He walked out when I was bitching at that cow and his sleeves were up."

"H-how bad?"Mikey asked quietly as they started moving again.  
"Completely covered. From wrist to elbow,"Gerard sighed quietly.  
"Jesus..."  
"It- it looked horrible. It made me really uncomfortable..."I didnt stay to hear the rest. Just backed away from the shelves and legged it out of the store. Fuck. Fucking talk shit about me. I marched away furisouly, swiping the tears away as I turned onto Symonds. Fuck them. I wasn't some sort of charity case that they could just feel sorry for and be nice to me in person but then go talking about me behind my back. Fuck them.  
"Fuck!"I shouted out,"Ugh!"  
"I jammed my key into the lock as soon as I arrived and slammed the door behind me. Thank god I had paid the rent already. I was in no state to handle my landlord bitching at me.

I stomped upstairs and fell down onto my bed, letting the sobs out. Of fucking course this would happen. Who was I kidding? How did I let myself actually believe that maybe, just maybe, I could have some proper friends. Before I realised it I was opening my drawer and reaching for my blade but I froze when I looked at it glinting in the dim light from outside. The wind rattled the windows in the deathly silence, making me jump and drop the blade. It clattered to the ground and stared up at me, daring me to pick it up and put it to my skin.  
"Fuck,"I sniffed. I picked it up and went back down to the street. I wiped away the last few tears as I walked to the closest drain just around the corner.

"Good fucking riddance!"I shouted as it dropped through the grate and into the murky water, disappearing from my sight instantly. A weird sense of relief flooded through me. I stood up straight, staring down at the drain.  
"Holy shit,"I croaked. A gust of wind made me realise just how fucking cold I was so I brought my arms around me and put my head down as I made my way back round to the door to my flat.  
"Oh fuck!"Someone shouted out as I walked into them.  
"Jesus I'm- not sorry,"I changed the direction as I realised who I was looking at.  
"Frank. Where did you go? Have- have you been crying?"Gerard asked, worry flitting across his face.  
"I left. To go home. Excuse me,"I muttered, pushing past him to get inside.

I shut the door behind me as fast as possible, hating the fact that he now knew where I lived. There were a few knocks on the door but I ignored them as I went upstairs and into my shitty flat. I took in a few deep breaths and decided to take a nap before I cooked myself my first proper dinner in about a month.

*

_"Frank, you can't let anyone make you feel bad about who you are. Okay? You're a fantastic person with awesome hair and you deserve better than what your mother has given you,"Greg said quietly. I didn't know what to say to that. I continued shooting the monster on the tv screen._   
_"Frank are you listening to me?"He sighed. I stopped shooting suddenly. Greg wasn't sitting on the couch behind me anymore._   
_"Greg?"I looked around for him._   
_"Frank I'm right here,"The monster on the screen said. I scrambled over to the tv, my palms flat against the screen as the monster staredmat me._   
_"Greg why are you in there?"_   
_"You put me in here. Why did you do that, Frank? Why would you do that to me? Haven't I given enough to you? I took you in, completely altered my lifestyle for you. I taught you not to care about others thoughts. Why would you kill me?! WHY DID YOU LOCK ME IN THIS BOX?!"He screamed at me. I backed away in horror as my character in the game started shooting at him again._

_"Frank stop it you're killing me! Stop shooting me!"_   
_"I'm not shooting you!"I cried out frantically. I hit the couch and someone's knee. I spun around as fast as someone can when they're on the ground to see Gerard with the controller. He started laughing manically as Greg the monster died on screen. The controller turned into a huge blade suddenly and Gerard fell to the ground next to me._   
_"Gerard no what are you doing?"I asked nervously._   
_"Poor little Frankie with no one to love him. I'll love you though,"Gerard grabbed my arm and pulled me closer. He shoved my sleeve up to reveal a mangled arm. He raised the giant blade and looked me in the eye,"It's okay."_   
_"No!"I squeezed my eyes shut as he brought the blade down and started slicing at me. Instead of pain I felt warmth._

_I opened my eyes to see that every time Gerard moved the blade, parts of my arm healed. I watched as he continued until my arm was completely whole again, a few scars the only proof of what it had looked like before._   
_"It's okay,"He whispered as he gently kissed the scars._   
_"I... Gerard..."I stammered out._   
_"How do you feel?"He asked me quietly._   
_"I dunno. No pain I guess..."_   
_"Well that's going to change,"Gerard grinned suddenly and cut me across the scar._   
_"What? No! No!"I shouted out in pain. My free hand started thumping the ground next to me as my arm burned worse than it had ever burned before._

I opened my eyes as the thumping became louder and woke me up. I looked around in a panic as the light burning sensation made its presence known. I looked down at my arm to see half of the cuts open and bleeding again. My nails on my other hand were covered in blood. I had been scratching.  
"Mr Iero! You're friend is here!"My landlord yelled through the door suddenly. Oh. He had been knocking.  
"I-"Don't have any friends. As I panicked about what to do the door opened and Gerard poked his head through. Fuck.  
"Hey Frank sorry to barge in but the little asian guy said to just go in. Whoa. Nice place,"Gerard closed the door behind him and looked around. He poked his head around the screen door to my bedroom area and immediately spotted the blood.

"Oh jesus, Frank are you okay?"He rushed over, sitting on the edge of the bed.  
"I- Don't!"I yanked my arm away, pulling the blankets over me. I was only in my underwear and a t-shirt. No way was he going to see the scars on my legs.  
"Sorry I was just... Trying to help..."Gerard mumbled and sat back slightly, not as close.  
"I don't need your help,"I snapped, looking away,"Why are you here? In my fucking flat?"  
"Oh well I uh when I found out you left Mikey joked saying you probably heard us talking and I sort of panicked and went after you and you saying you're not sorry sort of confirmed it and then Mikey gave me a call saying that he just checked the security footage and said you were two rows away so you probably did overhear us. I don't know what you heard or anything but I don't- I'm not-"  
"I know you guys pity me. I know my scars and cuts make you uncomfortable. I don't need your fucking pity and awkwardness. I don't need any of you. Now please just leave,"I sighed.

"No- Frank that's not what I mean! Because I only just found out today that Mikey's girlfriend Alicia used to cut. Mikey knows what she went through and shit so I dunno I guess he sort of understands and Alicia definitely knows what you're going through and you obviously didn't hear the rest of what I said because I said that it makes me uncomfortable knowing that I sort of got off easy with my- problems while there are people like you going through a lot worse shit. I- I don't want you thinking I'm throwing you a pity party. I need a fucking- drink so-"Gerard broke off and looked through the murky window onto the rooftops of other shops. In the distance you could just see the tops of the trees surrounding the park. I looked at him and sighed.  
"What did you mean dreams about me?"I asked suddenly.  
"I- don't know. I- the colours."  
"And a painting?"  
"Mmm hmm."

I looked down at my arm and sighed again. The blood was dried up now and was sticky as shit.  
"Can I see the painting?"I asked as I got out of the bed, making my way to my small bathroom at the end of my bed.  
"I- sure,"He said behind me. I flicked the light on and started gently washing the blood from my arm. It was then that I remembered I was in my underwear. Fuck. There was no way I could walk out with him not seeing the big thick red scars on my thighs. Failed suicide attempts.  
"Can I grab a glass of water?"Gerard asked suddenly, saving me the panic.  
"Yeah just- yeah,"I muttered. As soon as he was gone I darted out and grabbed my jeans, pulling them on as fast as possible, wincing as my arm brushed against my side as much as it possibly could.

"Did I wake you?"Gerard asked, walking into my lounge. Or more, the floor space in front of the door that held one small couch and a tv that cost less than my fucking phone.  
"No I was just- sleeping,"I walked out and stood there awkwardly.  
"Dude it's fucking freezing in here. Don't you have any heating?"Gerard shivered.  
"It's broken,"I muttered.  
"Does your landlord know?"  
"Probably not,"I looked around, trying to see this place from a stranger's point of view. But I failed. It had been my home for three years. As much as I hated the place and wanted somewhere better to live, this was still my home.  
"If you tell him then he'll fix it."  
I snorted unattractively,"I doubt it."

We stood there in silence. Me trying to find a comfortable position for my raw arm, threatening to bleed again, and him looking around, occasionally stealing glances at me.  
"So do you want to see the painting then?"He asked suddenly.  
"I guess so... I've got nothing better to do. I was just trying to pass the time til I had to make dinner. I'll just grab my jacket."  
Ten minutes later we were on our way up Symonds Street. We were both silent as the wind ruffled us.  
"I think... I figured out... Why I dreamt about you..."Gerard said slowly.  
"Why?"  
"Do you- are you- did you know a guy named Greg? Died about three years ago?"  
"Taught art?"  
"Yeah."  
"Greg is my godfather."

"Holy shit dude. He taught me. I don't remeber ever meeting you cause I was- I have the worst memory but I dunno. Maybe being back in Chesterton has made me have a dream?"He shrugged his shoulders.  
"But you said you did the painting like last year or something..."  
"Oh... True... Huh..."  
We continued on in silence as I tried to place his name and face. I never met any of Greg's students. They were always there when I was at work. The only time I met a few was at the wake of his funeral. I could barely remember that because I had gotten a little drunk and it was so long ago. Something jumped out though. Gerard hitting on me.

_I stared hard. Ignoring the look from some unknown relative of Greg as he passed by and continued staring. Pushing through the blurryness of the alcohol so I could focus on his shoes._   
_"Misfits,"I mumbled as they became clear. A little blurry round the edges but hey. I blinked back the feeling of numbness and sat back in my seat to continue my staring at the ground, nursing a warm beer that was almost finished. The next hour passed very slowly as I sobered up, inch by inch. All around me were people I had never ever met or heard of once, drinking and laughing as if someone hadn't just died. Friends of Greg's family. Not friends of Greg. Aside from his wife I was probably the only person who actually knew how great Greg is. Was._   
_"Heyy Fraaank..."Thomas, one of Greg's sons, sat down next to me and slapped a hand down on my shoulder, interrupting my staring at the floor._

_"Thomas,"I mumbled._   
_"You know how I hate to be that guy buuuut you're sort of bringing the mood down. Do you think you could maybe perk up a little bit?"_   
_I slowly turned to look at him, shock bursting through every other feeling, fixing Thomas with an incredulous face,"Your father just died. Two days ago. We burned his body two and a half hours ago... And you want me to cheer up?"_   
_"I know we only just said goodbye to him and all but we're celebrating his life right now! Not mourning. The time for grief is over."_   
_"Thomas I-"_   
_"Mom said if you don't stop scaring the guests with your gloomyness you'll have to leave. For good,"Thomas gave my shoulder one last slap before leaving again, spoothing his gelled down black hair and talking to some uptight pricks across the room._

_I glared at his back before his words actually hit me. I wouldn't put it past Shirley to kick me out. She hated me. The only reason she let me stay here was because of Greg. I was the only person in his family to actually enjoy doing some of the same shit as him. During the day he went to work at the law firm he owned, in the evening he would come home and have dinner with his stupid perfect family then watch a family movie with them or something but then, after everyone else had gone to bed, he would come and play video games with me again til three or four in the morning, eating pizza and drinking god knows what. Weekends would be his art lesson time. Thats when I was always working._

_Suddenly Shirley was in my face, glaring right back at me._   
_"Frank. If you can't cheer up a bit then please go somewhere to be alone. These are Greg's work friends. Collegues. They know nothing of the freak living in our spare bedroom. Please, you already made a scene with your snotty sobbing at the funeral. Please don't tarnish the business."_   
_"Fine,"I sighed. I resisted the urge to kick her out of the way, instead silently standing up and stumbling away. I grabbed a bottle of champagne on my way and continued wandering around a bit until I found myself in Greg's art room with the bottle half empty._   
_"Stupid fucking Shirley. 'Ooh don't tarnish the business. Don't scare the rich people with your freaky face. No one likes a gaaaaaay.' "I slurred as I staggered around. This room was a lot bigger than I thought._

_"Oh shit,"I slurred as I noticed someone sitting at a desk, staring up at a chalkboard that had been split in half. One half was coloured in solid red and the other solid blue. There were smears all through it but that could have been my eyes. The person in there hadn't noticed or heard me. Like most people. He was muttering. He got up and stagged over to the board, swiping his hand straight down the middle, merging the line into a hazy purple smudge. He turned around and froze when he saw me._   
_"Uh- sorry. I was just-"_   
_"Bringing me another drink. How sweet,"He smiles lazily at me, looking me up and down, swaying on the spot._

_For some reason, the thickness of my mind cleared up a bit, making it easier to take in this guy.He had dirty looking black hair, style just above his shoulders and around his face in a messy sort of bedhead way that was doing wonders to Frank's dick. Black eyeliner was smeared around his eyes. I couldn't figure out if it was meant to be like that or if it was the results of tears and alcohol. I decided to go for the latter because the guy sniffed and wiped at his eyes, spreading it even further._   
_"Don't hog it then,"He said suddenly, walking around the row of three desks to stumble in front of me. He was even more drunk than I was. Before I could do anything he had snatched it from my hands and was sculling it down eagerly._

_"I'm Gerard. I was one of his students. I'm guessing you are too right?"He sniffed again, his voice breaking either from tears or the alcohol._   
_"No I'm his godson,"I said, shuffling around to where he was sitting back down in the middle desk. I sat down, or more fell down, into the seat on his left and stared at the board as well._   
_"This was the last piece we were working on. I can't remember what it is right now but I know it was an important one to Greg,"Gerard sighed,"Two days ago. I brought in my sketch and he gave me some very good constructive criticism and I got shitty and left. Two hours after that his heart flipped a shit and now here we are."_   
_"I uh... I have no idea what to say,"I tear my eyes away from the board that seems to have a lot more meaning after Gerard's very basic story._

_"You don't have to say anything I guess... You were probably closer to him than I was anyway,"Gerard muttered and slumped forward, resting his head on his arms as he continued to stare at the board. I watched the side of his face for a moment, watching the way his jaw clicked ever so slightly. My eyes dropped down to his feet._   
_"The Misfits!"I burst out as I recognised the shoes from earlier._   
_"Excuse me?"Gerard drawled, turning his head slowly as if it was a huge effort to focus on me._   
_'Dude your shoes are awesome man. Did you buy them like that? Where? How much?"_   
_"Oh thanks. I bought them plain and painted that on. Cost me thirteen bucks all in all. Damn good buy,"Gerard winked at me._

_I felt myself blush so I looked away, down to the floor._   
_"What's your name?"_   
_"Frank."_   
_"How are you doing? I'm not the best sort of person to talk to about this sort of shit but you know, I'm here... If you need me..."Gerard trailed off, looking away to study the rest of the room like he'd never been there before._   
_"You- you just met me and you're asking me to give you that sort of trust?"_   
_"No I- I just meant- cause you looked so sad and I- I don't know... It doesn't look right on you. I bet you'd be much cuter if you smiled,"Gerard looked at me again, a small smile on his face. I couldn't help let a small smile onto my face. Gerard smiled even wider, close to giggling._   
_"Stop it,"I giggled._   
_"I'm not doing anything,"He winked again and turned in his seat to face me._

_I stared at him, uncertain why he was staring at me so weirdly._   
_"Why are you looking at me like that?"_   
_"Because you're really cute,"He said simply. I slumped over the desk and buried my face in my arms, feeling stupidly giggly and hot and sticky. My clothes felt too tight. I lifted my head slightly and looked through my hair to see him still smiling at me. At the sight of me peeking he started laughing through his nose._   
_"Shut up,"I buried my face again._   
_"No,"He said. The sound of his chair scraping back reached my ears. I fought the urge to look again. My mind went fuzzy as Gerard's hand trailed around my neck, resting where my scorpian tattoo was._

_"I want to draw this. Can I draw this?"He asked quietly. I nodded._   
_"Well sit up so I can see it."_   
_I looked up to see him staring at me expectantly, pencil and paper already in his hand._   
_"Do- is it light enough?"_   
_"No can you sit on my desk?"Gerard said, grabbing a chair and pulling it in front of the middle desk. I switched seats and sat with my side to him, my head tiled to the side for a better view._   
_"Thats perfect,"Gerard whispered, pencil scratching away,"Hold on. Stay still,"Gerard's chair scraped a bit and suddenly his cool fingers were tilting my head towards him._   
_"What are you-"_

_Gerard's lips tasted of cigarettes, alcohol and paint. A weird taste but I wasn't complaining because I was so lost in the kiss suddenly. His hands were all over me, pulling me to my feet and against his body. Before I knew it, my dominant side had kicked in and I had him sitting on the desk, me standing between his legs taking charge. It didnt take long before I was sinking to my knees, Gerard's bare chest in sight._   
_"No..."Gerard mumbled._   
_"What?"I froze, looking up at Gerard. Standing beneath the light, his outline was lit up. He looked almost like an angel. He mumbled something and moved away from me._   
_"Gerard what do you mean?"I stood up again, watching as he stumbled backwards, doing his shirt up. I don't know if it was the alcohol or my hearing or Gerard but whatever he said next, nobody knows._

"Why did you leave?"I croaked, my voice raw from lack of use. We were almost at his house now.  
"Sorry?"  
"At Greg's wake. Why did you leave after I- almost- gave you a- a blowjob?"I stammered out.  
"I left?"Gerard stopped walking. I stopped and looked back at him.  
"You left, muttering all this crap to yourself."  
"I thought I-"Gerard looked away in thought, turning things over in his mind. After a full three minutes I tried to get his attention.  
"Gerard? You okay?"  
"You son of a bitch,"Gerard broke out into a smile suddenly.  
"What the fuck is going on?"I sighed.  
"You- I thought- this is why I cant get your colours out of my head!"Gerard screamed suddenly.

"Uh..."  
Gerard almost skipped towards me, tackling me in a hug,"You! It's because of you! The morning after I thought I had slept with another stranger again! It was because of that thought that I decided to actually get through rehab! Oh my god it is basically because of you that I'm not an alcoholic!"  
"Jesus christ,"I spluttered as Gerard let go of me and started walking again casually. I should have been confused about the sudden fault of his not drinking but I was more interested in why that hug made my stomach decide to show off it's ability to do somersaults.  
"Come on,"Gerard called over his shoulder, walking up the path to his house. I hadn't even realised we'd walked this far. I decided to ignore the feelings for now and follow Gerard. I still did want to see his painting after all.


	6. Bandages

_3rd December_

 

I unlocked the door and walked inside, trying not to get nervous about this stupidly cute boy. From what I could barely remember of him, and from what I had seen today, I knew he was really fragile. But I also had a feeling he was going to be a very important person to me and I had no idea why. All I knew was that I better not fuck it up. 

"So this is my room,"I sighed, taking dumping my keys and phone on my drawers in an attempt to look relaxed and cool. It hit me then that in the three years of rehab and working, I hadn't even hit on anyone, let alone kissed or slept with anyone. Which mean that Frank was the last person I had kissed.

"Oh my god."

"What?"Frank turned to look at me from the painting.

"I- you- nevermind,"I muttered and sat down on my bed. Frank looked at me weirdly before turning back around to stare at the painting.

 

As he stared at it, I stared at him. He had a really skinny frame no matter what angle you looked at him and even if he was smiling, there was a weird sadness about him.

"This is creeping me out,"Frank turned and caught me staring at him.

"What is?"I blinked, pulling my laptop closer and opening it.

"The fact that these colours, my- colours, have been bothering you for three years. And then the day that we actually meet again, is the day I changed my hair back to this. It's fucking creepy,"Frank said simply.

"Well you helped change my life. So... Creepy but understandable..."

"Yeah, how exactly did I change your life?"Frank sat down on the edge of my bed as I loaded up my emails.

"Well you- with your- because I- This is difficult and embarrassing to explain..."I trailed off, focusing on my emails completely. Now I understood why Mikey hadn't even told some people he had a brother. 

 

"Gerard I'm not gonna judge you,"Frank said quietly. I looked up to see him watching me,"After what you did for me today I would never do something as terrible as judging you for something you've gone through..."

"You really mean that?"I asked softly, not taking my eyes from his. He nodded and inched a little closer to me on the bed. I cleared my throat and crossed my legs, staring at Frank intensely.

"Five years ago, when I was seventeen, my dad died. It was the twenty eighth of december. I was at a coffee shop with Mikey and my friends and my Mom had called me and told me to put some chicken in the fridge or it would go bad. I took forever to leave,"I croaked, my voice threatening to fail me, tears threating to show how I really felt and thought,"Mikey and the guys kept making jokes about being a Mama's boy and I didn't leave until half an hour after Mom had called me. When I got home, I heard a noise from my parents' room. I went in with a fucking umbrella to find my Dad hanging from the ceiling. I can never remember what it was he hung himself from. Probably the light or something..."

 

"Gerard..."Frank said slowly. I could already tell he was thinking the same thing that I have felt for five years.

"It's my fault if I had just-"

"No. Don't say it. Gerard that is the stupidest thing ever. You cannot in anyway blame yourself for your Dad's death. You had no idea what was going to happen. And even if you had gotten home early. He would have heard you come home and either hid or lied about work sending him home. After you had left he probably would have continued. Or he might have done it another day. There is no way that you could have stopped it from happening. It was just really unfortunate timing. You can't feel guilty for this Gerard,"Frank grabbed my hand, staring at me like he was looking into my soul. I sniffed and blinked back the tears.

 

"Thank you Frank,"I cleared my throat,"God I'm an idiot. That didn't even answer your question."

"That's okay. I'm glad you told me."

"I've never told anybody that before. Not even my therapist. When I told her about it, I never told her that I waited before. Just that I was the one who found him. It was probably a big mistake because it's probably the main reason for my stupid nightmare. Just reliving it over and over and over. Waking up screaming about putting the fucking chicken in the stupid god damn fridge,"I shivered. I had no idea why I was telling this to Frank so willingly. It was as if him being here, saying he wont judge me, had opened the flood gates and I couldn't stop spilling it all out.

"That sucks. Having to dream about his death all the time. I wish I could help,"Frank gave my hand a meaningful squeeze, alerting me to the fact that he still had it in his hand.

"Mmm. After that, Mikey and I started drinking. Me more heavily. After about a year I thought I was over his death but I started going out to drink instead of sitting in my room alone, sometimes with Mikey, sometimes with the guys. When I started going out to bars, that's when it got really bad. I started mixing my drinks and forgetting everything. I usually woke up with a guy in my bed or a number on my drawers..."

 

"I hurt a lot of people,"I sighed, falling down onto my back, my hand slipping out of Frank's.

"Why'd you stop with me?"Frank said quietly. Very casually he slid down so he was lying next to me, his head propped up on his hand.

"I don't know. Some part of me, the slightly sober side I guess, just kept telling me not to. You were too vulnerable. It wouldn't have been right."

"Well at least you know drunk you has some sort of nice sane thought... I mean that's not to say I wouldn't have enjoyed it, I mean I was about to suck your dick but you-"

"Frank don't worry I know what you mean,"I smiled, looking up at his spluttering face. He closed his mouth and blushed. 

"Anyway, after Greg's funeral, Mom and Mikey tackled me with an intervention then locked me in my room for three days until a doctor from a rehab in California could come and get me. Those days were horrible. I said the worst things to my family. I've never felt so much regret than my fourth day in therapy. I was completely dry and had just started my single sessions with my therapist. It was the night before that I had the dream with your colours. Thats when I really thought about everything I had done. All because of your colours..."

 

"That..."Frank let out a sigh,"Is the weirdest thing I've ever heard."

"Don't I know it. Jade is going to freak when she hears about this,"I smiled, watching as Frank's free hand went to his arm and started scratching. He was staring at something behind me, completely unaware that he was probably making his arm bleed again.

"So I-"

"Sorry but I- I don't want to be rude or pry but do you really think you should be scratching your arm?"

Frank's hand froze, he looked down in shock and let out a groan of frustration. He sat up, turning his back on me as he pulled his sleeve up. I sat up, catching a glimpse of his bloody and raw arm.

"Do you want a bandage?"I asked tentatively. I didn't want to cross the line.

 

"No I- yeah actually. Maybe it'll stop me scratching,"He sighed.

"Okay. Come into the bathroom,"I got up and made my way to the bathroom, Frank following close behind. I pulled open the cupboard and grabbed the first aid box. Frank sat on the edge of the bath as I pulled out two bandages.

"Do you want me to-"

"No I got it,"Frank coughed out, taking a bandage from me and carefully pulling his sleeve up. 

"Do you want to wash some of the blood away first?"

"No a bit of toilet paper will do,"He said quietly, not looking at me. I got him a few squares and watched as he started soaking it up. When he pulled it away, little bits of the toilet paper were clinging to scabs and skin.

"Fucks sake,"Frank sighed. He threw the toilet paper in the toilet and started picking the bits off.

 

"Here just-"I took his hand and pulled him to his feet and over to the sink,"Let me take care of you,"I looked Frank meaningfully in the eyes. He stared back and nodded. I turned the tap on and waited til it was luke warm before moving his arm under the stream of water. He watched as I gently ran my fingers down his arm, wiping the toilet paper away. When there was none left and the water was running clear, I moved it away and grabbed the hand towel, dabbing his arm dry.

"Other arm?"

Frank wordlessly pulled his other sleeve up and offered his arm to me. I washed that one off as well, waiting for the water to run clear. I dried it off and moved Frank back to the bath, sitting down next to him. I grabbed a bandage and very slowly started wrapping it around his arm. Tight to stay on but not so tight that it was causing him pain. 

 

"It seems my life went to shit the same time as yours,"Frank croaked. I almost jumped at the sudden sound in the silent bathroom.

"How so?"I replied, not taking my eyes off of his arm.

"Five years ago, on my sixteenth birthday, my Mom kicked me out because I told her I was gay. She started yelling and screaming at me. My best friend turned on me. He backed Mom up and because he did that, all of my other so called friends just left while she continued ranting."

"That's terrible..."I sealed the bandage off and grabbed the other one, moving onto his other arm.

"She stopped yelling once everyone had left. My best friend, Liam, he started making litte jokes as I followed Mom up to my room. She started packing my stuff, breaking half my shit until I told her I would pack. She left and Liam left. It took me about half an hour to get everything. When I went downstairs she was gone. She had left me fifty bucks and a note saying not to come back."

 

"Jesus... So you went straight to Greg?"

"No. I spent one night on the streets trying to figure out where to go. Then Greg gave me a call the next morning. He said Dad had told him what had happened. Offered me a ride here and his basement. He lost his friendship with my Dad because of what he did for me. The only reason his family put up with it was because I was the only person Greg knew who was interested in playing video games til three in the morning with him,"Frank sighed.

"So thats when you,"I nodded towards his arm. 

"Not- no that's when my depression really took it's toll. It was after Greg died that I started doing this. He helped me get my job and helped me come to terms with what happened with Mom. Then he died. While I was on bereavement leave, Lily bought the cafe, got rid of all the staff except for me. Hired Miranda and some other guy that never seemed to be working when I was. Miranda was the one that started it all. She caught me crying and somehow figured it all out. I don't know I think people were talking. I never expected it to get so out of hand..."

 

I had finished bandaging his arm about halfway through. Now I was just staring at his face, watching the tears slip silently down his cheek with his arm resting in my hand. 

"Oh jesus,"Frank pulled his hands away and wiped his face,"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to dump all that on you."

"No no I-"

"I better get going. Jesus what time is it?"Frank turned away from me, pulling his phone out of his pocket,"Yep yeah I need to go,"He started marching down the hallway towards the front door.

"Shit. Wait! Frank wait!"I called, basically diving after him. 

"I really cant stay I have to get home and- make dinner,"He stuttered to a stop as I reached him. 

"Frank why are you rushing off? It's five thirty. The sun is only just setting..."

"Because. I refuse to stay with you and have you judging me. Everyone does it. I'm fucking twenty one years old and I do stupid shit like this. I'm old enough to know that it doesn't help with any of my problems but people don't actually understand that it is fucking addictive and I-"

 

"Frank!"

He stopped talking and looked at me,"Sorry."

"Stop apologising. You've done nothing wrong. At least let me walk you home?"I asked hopefully.

"Fine,"He sighed. We left the house in silence, not a word said as I locked the door and followed him down the path. Once we got walking though we just started talking about everything. When we reached his flat, neither of us seemed to want to say goodbye.

"Do you want to come in for dinner? It won't be anything fancy just- it's almost half six and I don't know about you but I'm starving. It's the only way to thank you that I can think of,"He said, pulling out his keys.

"Yeah that would be nice actually,"I smiled widely. A voice in the back of my head told me I should call and tell Mom or Mikey that I wouldn't be home for dinner but I ignored it and followed Frank up into his flat. 

 

"You can put the TV on if you want,"Frank said from the kitchen as I sat down on the two seater couch. I found the remote and turned it on to the music channel. It was playing The Spice Girls. I turned it off and went into the kitchen. Frank was bent over with his head in the fridge.

"Nothing's on so I'm gonna help you."

"There's really not that much that needs doing,"Frank said, standing up straight. His face was flushed and he had a weird look on his face.

"Why? What are you making?"

"Pasta. All I've gotta do is chop up a few veges and add them to the sauce then cook the past. Grate the cheese. Not much at all."

"I'll grate the cheese then,"I smiled and took it from his hands. 

 

Within minutes I was grating, he was chopping and water was boiling while we made fun of stupid movies.

"No but seriously, this movie was the absolute worst! The girl was stupid enough to fall asleep with her hand on the bar, and it was so dramatic when she had to pee her pants oh my god!"Frank chuckled, scraping the veges from the board into the pot of sauce. 

"Jesus. Sounds terrible,"I grinned, putting the cheese down and looking at Frank.

"Okay that's enough cheese and the pasta is cooking along with the veges. Cool. Do you want a drink?"He asked, walking to the fridge as he wiped his hands on his ass. I stared. His hands slowly moving across his ass. Fuck.

 

"Gerard?"Frank said, opening the fridge.

"Uh yeah yeah what have you got?"I cleared my throat, tearing my eyes away from his ass.

"Uh milk juice or water?"

"Juice. Let's go with juice."

"Juice it is,"Frank pulled it out and went about pouring glasses. I jumped up and sat on the bench. He handed my my glass and said,"Do you like Thor?"

"Fucking love Thor."

"It's on tonight. Do you wanna watch it?"

"Fuck yeah!"I grinned. He grinned back. It was a weirdly intimate moment. We had been talking for about three hours now. After only three hours, I felt like I knew him. We liked the same music, same video games, same movies, same comics, it was creeping me out how alike we were.

 

Frank and I continued grinning at each other idiotically until the water bubbling over the edges of the pot ruined the moment. 

"Shit,"Frank gasped and darted over, taking the pot off the heat. Immediately it calmed down, 

"I think the pastas done,"I slid off and came to stand next to him. It took everything I had not to hug him from behind. The attraction I felt towards Frank was unbelievable.

"Go and sit down. Put Thor on. I'll bring it out,"He nudged his hips into me as he stirred the sauce. I grabbed my drink and went into the lounge. I turned the TV back on and called out to him,"What channel?"

"I don't know. Just flick through."

"Found it!"I yelled back,"Hurry up it's start- oh,"I smiled up at him and took the plate he was offering. He sat down and we ate while watching Thor.

 

*

 

"God I love that movie,"Frank stretched out, his arms up high and his top riding up to reveal a thin trail of hair.

I cleared my throat,"Yeah it's fucking awesome. I can't wait for the next one,"I said as I got up and took the plates into the kitchen.

"Do you wanna go for a walk?"Frank asked, following me into the kitchen with our glasses.

"It's almost ten o'clock at night."

"So? We can bundle up nice and warm. We could go to the park or to the bridge or something I dunno. Was just a thought..."He trailed off.

"Okay let's go for a walk,"I nodded.

 

*

 

"I guess I have to thank Mikey,"I said, staring at the water running below us.

"Why?"Frank looked across at me.

"For telling me to go and see you,"I looked at him and smiled.

"Oh... I'm sure we would have ended up meeting at some point what with our similar interests."

"Yeah but now I've met you sooner rather than later,"I nudged him with my shoulder. He let out a small laugh and looked back down at the water right as something landed up my back,"Ugh! What was that?"I stood up straight and started spinning on the spot, trying to reach whatever had dropped on my back.

"What? What is it?"Frank looked at me, a grin on his face.

"Something dropped on my back. It's cold and wet and-"

"It's rain,"Frank said, looking up at the dark sky with his hands held out. 

"Fuck. It's gonna take us like half an hour to run back to yours,"I looked up at the sky as thunder boomed overhead. A flash of lightning illuminated the empty bridge.

 

"Well it'll take us longer to walk. Do you have your phone on you?"He asked.

"No I left it at your place, shit. I guess we're running."

Frank nodded and grabbed my hand, together we ran all the way back to his. Baker's Road was the longest street ever. It took fifteen minutes to get back onto Elliston Street. Then another twenty to get to Frank's. By the time we got inside, laughing and shivering, we were soaked. We hadn't let go of each other's hand once. 

"F-fuck it's freezing!"Frank chattered, dragging me up the stairs and into his lounge. 

"What's the time?"I panted, puffing onto my hands to try and warm them into moving properly.

"After midnight, that's for sure. Get your wet clothes off,"Frank said.

"Uh-"

"Go into the bathroom and throw them out. I can dry your clothes downstairs but you won't fit mine so you'll have to wait til they're dry before you go home."

 

"What about you?"I asked as he walked me towards the bathroom.

"I'll get changed out here before I take them down. While I'm taking them down you can wrap yourself in my blanket. They shouldn't take long to dry now get out of those clothes before you freeze to death,"He pushed me into the bathroom and shut the door. I stared at it for a second before a shiver ran through my body. I stripped down and dried myself off with a towel that was stained red. 

"You got them off yet?"He called through the door.

"Uh yeah-"

"Is your underwear wet?"

"I- yeah. Fuck."

"Take 'em off."

"But I-"

"Off!"

 

I pulled them off, shivering at the rush of cold air, and opened the door a crack, sticking my bundle of wet clothes through.

"Thanks! I'm going down now so you can come out in a sec!"

I waited a few seconds before peeking out the door. He was gone. I darted out, and yanked his blanket from his bed, pulling it around me as fast as possible so I could get warm. He came back upstairs in PJs and said,"They'll be done in half an hour. What do you want to talk about?"

"I dunno,"I sat down on the edge of his bed, shivering.

"We can just sit and talk for a bit if you want?"Frank sighed, sitting down on his bed as well, moving so he was leaning against the headboard, patting the spot next to him.

"Yeah sure,"I yawned and dragged myself up next to him. 

 

"So what do you want to talk about?"Frank yawned.

"Dunno,"I yawned right back, sinking down slightly.

"Hold on, I'm just gonna grab my extra blanket,"He leaned round and pulled a fluffy red blanket from underneath his bed, putting it over the both of us.

"You take it I don't need two. You have one and I have one."

"Yeah but you haven't got clothes on under there,"He sniffed, sinking down even further than I had.

"True..."I sighed. My eyes started fluttering closed and before I knew it I was asleep.

 

*

 

_4th December_

 

I couldn't feel my arm. I opened my eyes, wincing at the headache pulsing behind my eyes, and trried to focus on where I was. Fuck. Did I get drunk last night?

"Fuck,"I croaked. I lifted my head up and tried to figure out where the fuck I was. I was naked in someone's bed, his legs tangled with mine, the blanket barely covering us. He twitched in his sleep, his hair falling to reveal his face.

"Oh my god,"I let out a huge sigh of relief and let my head drop back down. Not a hangover. Just not enough sleep. Frank was breathing softly next to me. Peaceful and quiet. His sleeves had ridden up in the night to reveal his bandages had come slightly loose. But there was no blood. 

"Oh my god,"I repeated, the fact that I was naked and must have been cuddling him in the night like this hit me. I pulled the blanket off of Frank and over my naked torso and groin.

"Fuck,"Frank groaned next to me,"What time is it? And what is underneath me and- oh shit."

 

Frank scrabbled away from me, turning bright red.

"Dude it's okay,"I pulled my arm away, working feeling back into it. 

"I can't believe we fell asleep,"Frank pushed his hair out of his face and looked around. 

"Fuck what time is it?"I froze. I had my first day of work today.

"Almost nine o'clock,"Frank yawned, getting out of bed and stumbling out into the lounge.

"Oh thank god for that. I thought I was late for my first day of work."

"Yeah at possibly the girliest store in this stupid town,"Frank giggled,"I'm just grabbing your clothes!"

I sat up properly, making sure I was covered, and waited.

"What time do you start work?"Frank returned, throwing my clothes at me.

"Ten. Turn away pleeeease,"I smiled at him over my shoulder.

 

"Coffee?"He asked, going into the kitchen.

"Yes please,"I said, standing up and pulling my clothes on as fast as possible. I walked into the kitchen, looking for my phone the whole way,"Have you seen my phone?"

"Nope. Didn't you leave it in your room?"Frank looked up from two mugs at me.

"Shit. Oh fuck. I didn't call Mikey or Mom or anything I need to get home before I got to work or they are going to fucking tear me a new one,"I groaned,"I'm sorry Frank! Don't take this the wrong way!"

"Nah no it's fine go for it! Blame it on me,"Frank called as I jogged into the lounge and shoved my feet into my shoes. They were soggy but it would have to do. 

"I finish work at four I think. I'll drop by later anyway!"I called over my shoulder as I went downstairs to the front door and down the street back home. Thank christ it was only a two minute run. 

 

"Gerard?! Gerard! Where the fuck have you been?! What the hell have you been doing?!"Mom burst out of her room as soon as I had shut the front door.

"I'm so sorry Mom,"I gasped, mainly for breath, and took my shoes off. I picked them up and went through the kitchen and into the laundry, dumping them to the side of the basket.

"Sorry doesn't answer my question Gerard,"Mom was right behind me.

I went into the kitchen and started making coffee,"I was at a friends house. He came to see my painting and then I ended up going to his for dinner and then we watched a movie then we went for a walk and got caught in the rain at Baker's bridge and had to run back. We both got soaked so he took my clothes and dried them for me but we both fell asleep. I only just woke up like ten minutes ago."

"Why the hell didn't you take your phone?"

 

I set down two mugs of coffee, one for her and one for me, and sat down at the table,"I forgot it. My friend got upset and left in a rush so I rushed after him. I'm so sorry Mom I didn't mean to worry you."

"I'm not having coffee. I just got home about four hours ago. I left work early because Mikey was so fucking worried,"She sat down with a groan.

"Jesus. You didn't call the cops did you?"I took a huge gulp of my coffee and let out a sigh of relief. It was so warm and strong and perfect. A wave of guilt washed over me as I thought of Frank and the half made coffee at his house. I probably didn't have to leave that early. I probably had time to run back before work. 

"Gerard are you listening to me?"

"Huh?"I brought my attention back to her, focusing on he words.

 

She gave me a look of frustration and huffed her wiry blonde hair out of her eyes,"I said, we didn't call the cops. Mikey wanted to but I didn't think we needed- to..."Mom trailed off and looked away. 

"Why...?"

"Well- to be honest I thought you'd just gone and started drinking again. I thought being back home and all the changes that have happened here were too much for you."

"What did Mikey think?"

"He seemed to think that you wouldn't do such a thing and that it was more likely that something bad had happened to you."

"So lemme get this straight. My brother has more faith and belief in me not drinking anymore than you? Your first thought was that I'd started drinking again? Just like that? After three years you think I'd just start over something so stupid as a different set up in the lounge and a few new colours everywhere else? Gee thanks, Mom."

"No Gerard I-"

"Don't worry about it just go to bed,"I grabbed the extra coffee and left her in the kitchen. 

"Gerard!"

 

I made my way down to Mikey's room and kicked the door open, not even bothering to knock.

"Mikey I'm ho- oh shit,"I froze at the sight of Alicia in bed next to Mikey. I completely forgot that she stayed the night sometimes. Mikey lifted his head and grunted. Alicia it seemed was a heavy sleeper.

"Gerard what the fuck?"Mikey croaked.

"I'm home. Come into my room for coffee and story time?"I whispered.

"Yeah just gimme a minute,"He sighed, letting his head drop back down. I backed out and pulled the door as far shut as I could with my foot. 

 

When I was in my room I set the coffee's down and grabbed my phone. Thirteen missed calls from Mikey, five from Mom and six from Jade? Twenty six messages in total, most of which from Mikey. I went to listen to the voicemails but stopped when I saw that there had been outgoing calls. I opened them up and saw three to Jade.

"What the hell happened to you man?"Mikey yawned behind me.

I turned around and looked at him in his dishevilled state,"You called my therapist?"

"Mom did. She thought you'd lost it. I thought you'd died or something. I got so mad at Mom,"Mikey picked up a coffee and took a sip.

"Jesus christ you guys,"I rubbed at my eyes and sat down on my bed. Mikey joined me and stared at me expectantly.

 

"Oh right. I uh I was with Frank the whole time,"I said sheepishly. Nothing had actually happened but I knew that straight away Mikey would get the wrong end of the stick.

"Dude seriously? And not once you thought to tell one of us?"

"Sorry. But oh my fucking god you have no idea!"I gasped as the memory of what got us talking came back to me. I proceeded to tell him all about the Miranda girl and Frank's old boss Lily. Mikey stared at me in shock. Then I progressed to the finding out about Frank being Greg's godson. Once I had finished telling him about the falling asleep he seemed satisfied.

"Sounds like you had quite a day and night,"Mikey yawned again.

"Seems to be boring you though."

"Dude I didn't get to sleep til fucking two in the morning. I was searching everywhere for you. And then Mom got home at half four so I was up again to try and convince her to do something but she just told me to get some sleep becaue you were probably in bed with some guy. Guess the was right about that,"He grinned.

 

I rolled my eyes and drank my coffee, thoughts of Frank drifting into my mind.

"So what are you doing today?"Mikey asked, sculling the rest of his coffee.

"Working. First day."

"What about afterwards? Do you wanna catch a movie or go to the arcade or something?"

"Yeah I- no I can't actually. I'm going to see Frank."

"What, are you guys in love now?"MIkey snorted.

"No. We're not. It's nothing like that."

"Except for when you almost slept with him,"Mikey pointed out.

"True but I was heavily drunk and grieving and he was grieving hard out and slightly drunk. Doesn't count."

"Yeah yeah whatever. Right I'm going back to bed with my girlfriend. It's good to know you're safe and alive and not hungover,"Mikey gave me an affectionate pat on the shoulder before leaving. I sat for a minute, finishing my coffee, before getting up and leaving for work.


	7. Happy In The Dark

_4th December_

I stared at Gerard's back as he left. Once I heard the door shut I let out a sigh. Three seconds later I dropped the mug I was holding and started breathing heavily as it shattered on the floor. Instant coffee and milk going everywhere.  
"Fuck,"I gasped,"Oh fuck."  
I was having a panic attack. I hadn't even noticed the lack of anxiety. That horrible paranoid panicky feeling that was always resting in the back of my mind. The whole time Gerard had been with me I had felt so peaceful and happy. Now that he was gone it was attacking me with a vengeance. I slid down the cupboard and sat on the floor amidst the shattered remains of my calmness. I talked to myself and rocked myself through it, waiting for my heart rate to slow down to a normal pace.

Once I had stopped feeling like I was about to pass out, I slowly stood up and had a huge glass of water. I cleaned up the mess, quelling the anger at losing one of my last mugs, and started my day by catching up on my sleep. By the time three o'clock came around I was exhuasted. I had cleaned the apartment from top to bottom to try and distract myself from the urge to cut. At four I got fed up of keeping my hands busy so instead I was watching TV. The news was the first thing on. The weather lady was talking about how it still hadn't snowed and the scientists were getting worried. I stared at the TV blankly, not taking anything in. Just as the news finished at half past four, there was a knock on the door downstairs. I jumped up immediately, shocking myself with the eagerness.  
"Fraaaaank?!"Gerard called through the door. I felt myself grin as I went down and answered.  
"Hey!"I smiled. Gerard grinned back at me and pushed past.  
"So work was pretty insane. Like, seriously. I don't know if I'm gonna survive working there,"Gerard said as I followed him up the stairs.

"You only have yourself to blame I hope you know."  
"Yeah yeah whatever,"Gerard plonked himself down onto the couch and stared at me leaning against the door.  
"Did you get in any trouble with your Mom and Mikey?"  
"Fuck. Mom thought I had just gone out drinking and wasn't too worried. She was more pissed off that she'd left work early for no reason. Mikey was the one who had faith in me and thought I had been killed,"Gerard sighed.  
"Well that sort of sucks. At least they didn't kill you,"I shrugged, struggling to find a way to cheer him up.  
"At least they didn't lock me in my room for three days before sending me to the other side of the country."  
"Exactly,"I grinned.  
"Because if they had done that I wouldn't have been able to see you."

I pushed away from the door and sat down next to Gerard, keeping eye contact with him the whole three seconds it took to get there.  
"So you wanna go for a walk? Go to the arcade? Catch up on sleep?"  
"I caught up on my sleep today, the arcade was closed last year and sure to a walk,"I smiled.  
"What? The arcade was closed? But whyyyyy?"Gerard whined, flopping backwards and staring at the blank TV grumpily.  
"They lost business. About three years ago it just kept getting worse and worse until they just closed down last year."  
"Ha! Probably because I left. I always went there when I was drunk if I couldn't get a guy,"Gerard snorted.  
"So. Walk?"  
"Definitely. We can go to the park,"Gerard smiled.  
"Awesome."

*

Memorial Park is in between two alleyways off of Elliston Street and Wellesley Street and is a ten minute walk from my flat. Usually in December it's covered in snow but the first snow of winter still hasn't arrived so it's very dead and dry and empty. The skies overhead are a horrible stormy black but at least there isn't any wind. All of the trees are bare and spooky looking. Spikey fingers reaching over to each other, creating an archway above the path. Gerard and I pass the playground, chattering about the future and what we thought would happen. Gerard made a comment about wanting me to still be in his future and I stopped walking to stare at him.  
"What?"  
"I- nothing. Nothing at all,"I smiled widely and continued walking with him. We reached the pond that was bordering becoming a lake and started walking across the bridge. Once we reached the middle, we stopped and stared down at the icy water. Parts of it had frozen over, like clouds on the water.

"That one there looks like a fish,"I pointed to one drifting along slowly.  
"I think that is a fish,"Gerard snorted.  
"Oh... It is."  
Gerard started laughing loudly and leant against the fence of the bridge, facing me with a big grin,"You are so cute."  
"Shut up,"I groaned, my face heating up nicely.  
"Nope. You're super cute. So cute that I can't stand it."  
I stared at him, trying to look annoyed. But I couldn't stop fucking smiling. He took a step closer, his hand sliding on top of mine, warm and soft. I stared into his eyes, trying not to freak out over what was most definitely about to happen, when something drifted down and landed on Gerard's nose.

"You have a snowflake on your nose,"I giggled. Gerard went crosseyed to try and get a look at it when another one travelled down between us and landed at our feet. We both looked up to see more and more snowflakes floating down.  
"It finally fucking snowed,"Gerard grinned.  
"I know,"I breathed,"Finally."  
Gerard looked away from the sky, moved himself so he was up against my body, pushing me against the bridge, and kissed me. Despite the set up before, it was completely out of the blue. We had both been distracted by the snow. But now all I could think about was how soft his lips were, how good it felt to have his hands on my back and in my hair. My arms snaked around his waist and pulled him closer. After a few, literally, breathtaking moments, we broke apart. Neither of us could stop smiling at each other.

"Well that was pretty awesome,"Gerard said finally.  
"That's one word for it,"I huffed out a shaky breath. It felt like my stomach was trying to get out through my skin. My heart was going a million miles a second and still Gerard and I stood there, wrapped around each other, smiling like two idiots with snow in their hair.  
"Do you wanna keep walking then?"Gerard asked. I nodded and we let go of each other to continue walking as we had been, this time talking about what we'd make with the snow once it was thick enough. No awkwardness. No uncertainty. Just like normal.

*

_7th December_

_"You can't do this on your own Frank.You need him. Don't fuck it up."_  
 _I nodded at my reflection._  
 _"You're not strong enough. You can't even do those bandages properly. You need to ask him to do it."_  
 _"Okay,"I nodded again._  
 _"Frank! You're gonna fuck it up! Stop it!"My reflection screamed at me, staring at my arms. I looked down and was shocked to see me cutting myself, my hand just slicing through my skin with a knife over and over._  
 _"But I didn't-"_  
"Stop it Frank! You're gonna kill yourself if you don't do this right!"

"Fuck,"I gasped, my eyes flying open to reveal I wasn't in a room of mirrors, I was in my bed and my arm was itching like hell,"Jesus christ."  
I sat up and checked my arms. The bandages weren't loose like the night before thankfully. I unclipped the end and started unwrapping my arm. Everything on my right arm had scabbed over and were basically healed. A few had already become scars. I smiled down and moved the bandages to the side. I took in a deep breath and started on my left arm.  
"Oh jesus,"I coughed out. Most of them had scabbed but a big one close to my wrist looked infected. It smelled bad and it was bringing on another panic attack.  
"Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck,"I gasped, closing my eyes and counting to ten. I opened them again and stared hard at the horrible mess that was my arm. I just needed to go to the doctor.

I grabbed all of my dirty clothes and the bandages and put them into the wash. Gerard was working til two today. It was already eleven so I didn't have too long to wait. After our kiss on the bridge we had both gone home seperately, parting with another longer kiss. Yesterday after he had finished work I had gone with him to look for flats for him. And then we'd spent the day playing video games at his house. In four short days, I had gone from a nervous wreck to a giggly school girl. Gerard was the sweetest guy ever. I couldn't get enough of him. Whenever I was with him, all of my fears and worries and anxiety issues just disappeared. He made me feel safe and calm. Happy.

My phone started ringing. I put down my piece of toast and went into my bedroom to answer it.  
"Hello?"  
"Hi Frank,"It was Gerard.  
"Hey,"I smiled involuntarily.  
"I'm just on my break so I thought I'd call you and see how you were,"Gerard said happily.  
"Oh!"I smiled even wider. He had been thinking of me.  
"So?"He prompted.  
"Hmm?"  
"How are you?"  
"Infected."  
"What do you mean?"

"My left arm. A big cut on my wrist is infected. I need to go to the doctor,"I sighed, resisting the urge to scratch at my arm.  
"Oh shit. I don't finish work til-"  
"Two yeah I know. Don't worry I'm fine. I'm washing the bandages right now."  
"Okay well just- don't let anything touch it okay? It could be really bad, you just don't know."  
"Way to make me feel better,"I snorted.  
"Sorry I just- you've got me all worried now. I'm gonna try and get off work early,"Gerard sighed.  
"Don't be stupid! It can wait til two. You've only just started working there. What would you say? My friend's cut is infected and is too scared to go to the doctor's by himself?"I joked.  
"No I'll tell them my boyfriend needs to go to the doctor's urgently, can I please get off work early,"Gerard said seriously. It felt like my heart had turned into a bull and was trying to get out of my chest.

"Frank you there?"  
"I- yeah. I am,"I smiled, curling up into a ball on the couch.  
"So we're in agreement? I'm getting off work early?"  
"Uh- no I-"  
"Frank come on,"Gerard sighed. He sounded frustrated.  
"Okay fine,"I blurted. I didn't want to upset him.  
"Good. I knew sounding annoyed would work. I'll see you soon!"He said happily and hung up before I could say anything. I let out a weird noise that sounded sort of like a laugh and sort of like a squeal. Gerard said I was his boyfriend. I let myself have my school girl moment before clearing my throat and telling myself to stop being an idiot.

I went about passing the time between the call and Gerard's arrival as best as I could but about ten minutes before Gerard turned up, twenty minutes before he was supposed to finish, I started having a panic attack.  
"What if he say's girlfriend and was literally using it as an excuse to get off of work,"I gasped, dropping the scrubbing brush and plate into the sink filled with bubbly water. I leant against the bench, dropping my chin to my chest as I tried to get through it without hyperventilating myself.  
"Fuck, I'm so fucking stupid!"I groaned. I knelt down to my knees, banging my head against the cupboard door, saying stupid with each bang. Apparently blows to the head made me feel a lot better so I kept doing it until I was certain I wouldn't fall over if stood up.

I stood up slowly, using the bench as leverage. A minute later there was a knock on the door.  
"Come in,"I called weakly. I stood up straight and tried to regulate my breathing in the time it took for Gerard to open the door and walk over to me.  
"Hi,"He said happily. I turned and smiled, completely forgetting about the past ten minutes.  
"What happened to you- shit Frank you're bleeding,"Gerard pushed his fingers through my hair, pushing it back. Fuck.  
"I- ow!"  
"Sorry!"Gerard's hands retreated instantly. He leaned over and grabbed a paper towel,"Why are you bleeding? What happened?"  
"I was- I had- I just-"I stammered, struggling to say what had happened.

Gerard held the paper towel there gently and looked me in the eyes,"Frankie, what happened? You're all sweaty and out of breath and you are bleeding."  
"I was having a panic attack and banging my head against the cupboard made it go by faster I guess,"I mumbled, not looking him in the eyes.  
"Oh Frank,"Gerard sighed, staring at me with pity in his eyes.  
"Don't look at me like that. Don't you dare feel sorry for me. I've dealt with this for five years on my own. I don't need your help now,"I glared at him, pushing his arm away.  
"No Frank I didn't mean- Frank wait!"Gerard followed me out and down to the laundry.  
"I saw the pity in your fucking eyes. That is the one thing I cannot stand Gerard and you know it. I don't want people feeling sorry for me,"I said, keeping my back to him as I pulled my clean bandages out.

"Why?"Gerard demanded. That made me stop.  
"What? What do you mean why?"I spun around.  
"Why don't you want me feeling sorry for you? It only means I want to take care of you. Make you feel better. Why won't you let yourself have that?"  
"Because I don't-"I stopped talking. Those next words would have lead to a huge problem.  
"Because you don't what? Need it? Want it? Frank, you say you've been dealing with this for five years by yourself. You've been alone for five years. You might not need it or feel like you want it, but when I've hugged you or kissed you or put your bandages on, I have never seen so much want in someone. You have been through so much that it's not fair. Let someone else take care of you for once. Please let me,"Gerard walked up to me and took my hands.  
"Gerard..."I closed my eyes, a tear managing to escape.

Gerard's hand was on my face, his thumb wiping away the tear.  
"Look at me."  
I opened my eyes and stared at him.  
"You deserve some sort of affection,"He whispered. I fell into him, wrapping my arms around him despite the pain it caused in my wrist. Gerard held me tight, rocking me through my sobs.  
"What is going on?! Mr Iero! Why so loud?!"My landlord suddenly burst in.  
"I'm sorry Sir. Frank was just going through some stuff,"Gerard said over his shoulder.  
"You scare customer! Be quiet!"He grumbled and slammed the door shut.  
"If it's noise that scares them away then maybe he shouldn't slam the door,"Gerard snorted. I giggled and pulled away.  
"I'm sorry, Gerard."  
"Don't be. Now come on, lets go to the doctor."

*

"Don't touch it."  
"I'm not touching it."  
"You were. I saw you,"Gerard snorted.  
"I wasn't touching it!"I defended myself,"I was merely- poking- it..."  
"Exactly. Don't. You heard what the doctor said man. Just leave the cream to soak in and then wrap it up but don't touch it."  
"I know. I was there Gerard. It is my arm he looked at,"I sighed, fighting the urge to rub the cream in.  
"Good. Just making sure,"Gerard smiled at me. I smiled back then turned back to the TV. We were back at mine watching some shitty TV show. The doctor (ha, The Doctor) had said that it was some sort of stupid infection that could be sorted with the cream. Because the cut was so deep and still healing, I wasn't allowed to rub it in otherwise I could deepen the cut. Now that I had become aware of the cut and the infection, it fucking itched like hell. The cream was just this lump of creamy yellow stuff that was begging me to rub it in properly.

"What are we even watching?"I sighed.  
"I dunno. It's called Go Girls or something,"Gerard sighed back at me.  
"What accent is that?"I asked, as a ginger girl dressed as a fairy fought with another chick dressed as a fairy.  
"The um- The Lord of The Rings accent,"Gerard clicked his fingers at me.  
"Orc or elf?"I snorted.  
"Shut up. I mean the country they filmed it in the one next to Australia. What the fuck is the name?"  
"New Zealand?"I looked at him, smiling at how much he was struggling to think of the name of a country.  
"Yes! That one!"Gerard grinned.

"Why have we got one of their TV shows? What channel are we on?"I pressed a button on the remote to find that we were on some international channel. I switched it to the music channel and let out a huge groan,"I'm bored."  
"Me too,"Gerard looked at me,"Why don't we play a game or something?"  
"Don't have any,"I said glumly. I looked back to my wrist, silently begging it to hurry up and soak in so I could wrap it up and not have to worry about it.  
"Jesus how much did you actually put on?"Gerard leaned over slightly to get a better look at my wrist.  
"A pea-sized amount. Like he said."  
"That's multiple peas spread across the cut. He meant to get one pea-sized amount and spread it lightly over. It'll take forever for that you dick,"Gerard snorted,"Here."

I watched as Gerard got up and went into the kitchen. I was about to follow him when he came back with a paper towel. Very carefully he wiped most of it away, leaving just a film of it over the cut.  
"Oh..."  
"Where's the bandage?"He looked around pointlessly.  
"On my bed. I'll get it,"I sighed.  
I stood up as Gerard said,"No I will you stay sitting."  
"Gerard I can get it myself. It's an infected cut, not a broken leg,"I said, almost racing him to the bandages at the end of the bed. Gerard beat me to it.  
"If you can't win a race to your bed, then you certainly shouldn't be up and about,"Gerard winked at me, holding the bandages triumphantly,"I have to put them on you anyway so I don't see why you had to be the one to get them."

"It's not about that,"I grumbled, sitting down on my bed and holding my arm out,"It's the principle."  
"Principle?"Gerard raised an eyebrow at me.  
"No- I mean, I know you want to take care of me and all that, but don't make me feel like I've had a stroke and I can't move at all. I need to have some sort of independance at least."  
"Okay I understand. I'm sorry,"Gerard nodded at me.  
I was about to say that it was okay and that he shouldn't worry at all but his cool fingers on my arm distracted me.  
"So you got any plans for tonight?"Gerard asked casually, never taking his eyes off his hands slowly wrapping the bandage around my arm.  
"Oh yeah I'm going out with all of my friends for a drink and then we're gonna come back here and play video games all night,"I said sarcastically.

"Ha ha,"Gerard looked up at me through his hair. He cleared his throat and said slowly,"Do you wanna go out to dinner?"  
"Like on a... date?"  
"If- if that's what you want it to be then sure,"Gerard's fingers paused in fastening the bandage.  
"I'd like that."  
Gerard stayed quiet as he finished making sure it wouldn't come undone. He let my arm drop and instead took my face in his hands and kissed me hard for a short second,"Sounds good."  
"Where are we gonna go?"I asked.  
Gerard sat back and leaned on his hands, looking at me mysteriously,"It's a surprise."

*

"Can't we go back and punch him?"Gerard whined as we stomped up the stairs into my flat.  
"No we cannot. You really can't handle rude people can you,"I turned around and looked at him as I fell down onto the couch.  
"No. I can't. He had no right to talk to us like that. God people make me sick."Gerard thwumped down next to me with a sigh. He rolled his head to look at me, his hair falling across his eyes slightly.  
"It's just the way the world goes. Maybe twenty billion years into the future everyone will have stopped being ignorant pricks. But we'll be dead by then and it won't matter to us,"I half smiled.  
"Don't do that,"Gerard said abruptly.  
"Do what?"  
"Don't smile at the thought of death."  
"But I- oh. Sorry... I didn't realise..."

Gerard didn't say anything. Just sighed.  
"Have you ever played 'Are You Nervous?' before?"Gerard asked me suddenly.  
"I've never even heard of it. What is it?"  
"Oh my god. Okay come on,"Gerard stood up, a huge grin on his face, and pulled me to my feet and into the bedroom,"Lie down."  
"What sort of game is this?"I asked nervously, lying down but with my head propped up.  
"Put your head down. I'm just gonna ask you if you're nervous and if you get nervous then I win."  
"But what are you gonna do to try and make me nervous?"I looked up at him. He had taken his jacket off and had pushed his sleeves up. He was talking but I wasn't listening. I was staring at his bare arms. Clean or cuts and scars. I thumped my head back down angrily.  
"Okay start,"I sighed.

Gerard placed his hand on my ankle,"Are you nervous?"  
"No."  
He slid it up to my shin,"Are you nervous?"  
"No."  
His hand moved to my knee,"You nervous?"  
"No."  
He slid his hand up to my thigh,"Are you nervous?"  
I swallowed dry air as my dick twitched,"No,"I croaked.  
Gerard's hand moved a few inches closer to my crotch,"Nervous?"  
"No,"I shook my head.  
His hand slid very slowly to my hip,"Are you nervous?"

I croaked out a no, fighting the urge to see what his face looked like.  
"Are you nervous?"Gerard asked again.  
"Your hand hasn't moved of course I'm not,"I snorted.  
Gerard took his hand away,"Nervous now?"  
"No."  
Gerard was silent for a moment as he moved. Suddenly he was sitting on my lap, both his hands on my sides and a ridiculously sexy smirk on his face,"Are you nervous?"  
I shook my head, never taking me eyes from his.  
His hands moved up my sides as I realised I was getting hard,"Are you nervous?"  
"No,"I let out a shaky breath, hoping to god he wouldn't notice.  
Gerard moved his hands to my shoulders, lying down so that our faces were less that a centremetre apart,"Are you nervous?"He breathed out.  
"No."

Gerard's lightly dragged his lips along my jawline and onto my neck,"You nervous now?"He whispered against my skin.  
"No,"I closed my eyes and slid my hands around his back, holding him there.  
Gerard's fingers slipped along my shoulder blades and down my arms slightly,"Are you ever gonna get nervous?"He mumbled.  
"Doubt it."  
"I know you're hard."  
My eyes flew open,"Okay now I'm nervous."  
Gerard snorted and lifted his head slightly,"Dont be."

Gerard kissed me and my mouth fell open, letting him in completely. Gerard rolled his hips down, making me gasp into his mouth,"Oh fuck."  
"Frankie,"Gerard moaned as we struggled to get our clothes off without stopping kissing. We got there in the end. When we were fully naked against each other, we both shivered. There was snow piling up outside the window and there was a draft blowing directly onto us of course.  
"Under the blanket?"I whispered.  
"Yes please oh my god,"Gerard gasped,"We should totally make our own warmth."  
"Isn't that what this has been building up to?"I raised my eyebrow at him in the near darkness, the only light coming from the lamp in the lounge and the moon outside.  
"I- shut up,"Gerard pulled the blanket down beneath me and climbed on top of me, bring the blanket over his back.

"Fuck do you have a condom?"Gerard asked suddenly.  
"Oh shit,"I groaned,"No. I haven't done anything since just before Greg's funeral. And that was at their house. Fuck."  
"Don't worry then. I've got other ways of sorting this,"Gerard said. He kissed me before I could ask what he was gonna do. As we kissed, his hips created friction that was driving me insane. Just as I felt myself wanting more, he broke it off. I let out a strangled noise of frustration as he started moving down, kissing my neck, chest, stomach.  
"Oh jesus,"I panted as his hair tickled my stomach in a weirdly sexual way. I looked down but all I could see was the blanket moving as Gerard moved.

He stopped moving and I held my breath, waiting. Instead of doing what I expected him to do, he kissed me. He kissed my scars. I closed my eyes and tried not to pass out from the burst of love that was travelling from my stomach and up into my throat. I felt the tears burning at my eyes but completely forgot about them when Gerard's hot wet mouth closed around the head of my cock.  
"Oh fuck!"I shouted out, squeezing the sheet in my fist. I lost all coherent thought and it felt so fucking good. I tried not to but I couldn't stop myself from thrusting up into Gerard's mouth, my hips getting away from me, just for a little bit- _just_ another thrust- _fuck_ , like that, just like that, _yeah_. Gerard moaned loudly, the vibrations nearly undoing me. He wrapped one hand around my dick, pinning me down with the other and pumped me with a few dizzying tight and slick strokes. I whimpered and shoved a fist into my mouth so I could just quit making all this noise but I couldn't help it. Gerard's mouth and hand working me over were tearing them out of me. Gerard's fingers curled around my belly and it was a moment of rushing free-fall before I was slammed head first into my orgasm. My lungs burnt and my toes went numb and my heart beat wildly against my ribcage. I could barely feel the bed beneath me. Too fucking long.

"Fuck,"I gasped. Gerard emerged from beneath the blankets with a sly grin on his face. I felt a rush of want and quickly grabbed his shoulders, flipping us over and kissing him hard. He moved his hands to my back, sliding them down and to squeeze my ass. I moved down further, Gerard's hands dragging up my back again, and got into position. Gerard is so hard, and his smooth dick was almost hot against my tongue. I could hear Gerard whimpering above me, and he was squirming against my mouth, trying to get more. I leant down and licked him again, just tasting it.  
And yesterday, Gerard hadn't been nearly naked on Frank's bed, wide open for him like this. I grabbed onto the base of Gerard's cock and relished the strangled noises he made while I sucked in the head and went down, and down, and down. My lips, already tender from Gerard's biting kisses earlier, stretched to the point of pain around Gerard's cock and my mouth was flooded with taste and texture. The strangled sounds that echoed in my ears are almost too much to bear. I lost myself in it all for an amount of time I couldn't calculate if I tried. Gerard tensed up beneath me, his hands tangled in my hair and his voice crying out as he came long and hard. I worked him through it, swallowing every drop I could get.

"Oh my god,"Gerard groaned, his fingers relaxing as he started panting. I dragged myself up and basically fell on top of him. He didn't seem to mind though. He just kissed me softly.  
"That was..."I stammered, unable to finish my sentence.  
"I know,"Gerard agreed. We stayed silent for a while, coming down from our high, enjoying each others company.  
"What time is it?"I croaked after a while.  
"Not sure... Late."  
"Do you want to go home or...?"I trailed off.  
"Stay the night of course,"Gerard snorted,"No way I'm getting out of bed now. It's fucking freezing outside of these blankets."  
"Good. I was just checking,"I smiled, rearranging myself so I wasn't completely on top of him, my head resting on his chest. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and held me close, kissing the top of my head.  
"Goodnight Frankie,"He whispered.  
"G'night Gerard,"I smiled into the darkness.


	8. Immature Little Shits

_20th December_

"Frank are you staying for dinner tonight?"Mom poked her head into the lounge. I paused the video game we were playing and looked at Frank expectantly.  
"Uh yeah sure why not,"Frank smiled at me.  
"Alright. It'll be ready soon!"She called loud enough for Mikey and Alicia to hear. I unpaused the game and we continued playing as Mikey and Alicia emerged from the hallway looking like they'd just woken up.  
"What time is it?"Alicia yawned.  
"Dinner time,"Mom called.  
"Fuck,"I started pressing buttons more furiously, trying to kill Frank before he killed me. The past two weeks had been bliss. Work was good, Frank was going to start looking for jobs in the new year and I had only had one craving for alcohol. I wasn't getting my hopes up on having an easy end to the year. I still had 8 more days before I could even consider myself near the safe zone. But I was doing okay, so long as I had Frank by my side. 

*

"That was delicious Donna,"Alicia groaned, sitting back in her seat. Mom had cooked a huge roast pork, Frank only having the veges of course, and we were all stuffed to the brim.  
"It was awesome,"I sighed happily.  
"You think this is big, wait til christmas day,"Mikey said. Frank smiled across the table at me, Pushing his empty plate forward slightly.  
"Right, who's doing the washing up?"Mom looked round at us all. We all stayed silent.  
"Well I've got- oh wait that doesn't work,"Mikey stopped talking.  
"I'll do it,"Frank and Alicia chimed at the same time.  
"I think Gerard and Mikey should do it considering they live here,"Mom gave us both a pointed look, trying to tell us not to let them do the dishes.  
"Oh no we don't mind, do we Frank?"Alicia smiled and stood up. She grabbed her plate and mine and went over to the sink. Frank nodded and Mom eagerly and took plates up as well. 

"Terrible, you two,"Mom shook her head in mock disappointment, a small smile on her face, and got up to leave,"All four of you can do them then."  
"Fuck,"I groaned,"I'm too full though,"I whined as she left.  
"Oh shut up and get on with it,"Mikey laughed. We both got up and within minutes we were scrubbing, drying and putting dishes away together. It took us all about half an hour to get everything done, after which we retreated to our rooms.  
"So you coming here for christmas?"I asked casually, sitting down on my bed and dragging my laptop over.  
"I haven't exactly got anywhere else to be now have I? Donna won't mind will she?"Frank sat down next to me, watching as I brought up my emails and checked what day I was due back at work. We were all currently on our holidays. Mom was back at work on the 27th, Mikey on the 28th and Daisy still had to email me the day she wanted me back. 

"Of course she won't. Alicia is coming for our breakfast and present opening and then Mikey is joining her at her parent's place for their christmas lunch and then present opening. You know I don't really understand why people would want to wait til the afternoon to open presents. She said they just enjoy sleeping in a lot but I- Frank are you okay?"I looked up and realised he wasn't listening. He was staring at his phone with a look of pain on his face.  
"No I-"  
"Frank what's wrong?"I asked urgently, pushing my laptop out of the way and facing him properly. When he didn't say anything I peered over at his phone. It took me a minute to read the text message upside down but I got there in the end. Frank's Mom had had an accident and was in the hospital in a coma. 

"I need to go,"Frank choked out suddenly. He stood up and looked around, looking lost.  
"To your Mom?"I asked, jumping up and grabbing my jacket. Mikey would lend me his car.  
"I- yeah,"Frank spotted his jacket on the back of my door and went to it.  
"I'll drive you. Mikey will let me borrow his car,"I didn't wait for him to protest, which he was definitely about to do, and went and knocked on Mikey's door.  
"What?"Mikey grunted.  
"Frank's Mom has gone into hospital. Can I borrow your car to drive him?"I called through the door.  
"Shit yeah of course just gimme a second,"Mikey said. There was the sound of scuffling and then the door opened up slightly.  
"Is he okay?"Mikey asked, handing me his car keys. He had his top of and his hair was messier than when I had seen it before. Lovely.  
"I don't think he's processing it very well, no. Thank you Mikey. Can you explain to Mom for me?"I said, backing away as Frank came out of my room looking dazed.  
"Yeah no problem. Drive safe okay? See ya,"Mikey called behind me.  
"Bye,"I echoed. Frank stayed silent. 

*

Frank's family lives in Philledelphia, just north of Chesterton. It wasn't too far but it was far enough for darkness to finish falling by the time we got there. And then an extra half hour for me to actually find the stupid hospital. The whole time he never said a word. Not even when I asked if he was okay. He just kept staring outside at the houses and shops and buildings going by. When I pulled into the parking lot, pinching Mikey's spare change to pay for parking, he lifted his head and looked at me before bursting into tears.  
"Oh Frankie,"I struggled to get my seatbelt off so I could lean over and hug him. He cling to me for five minutes, slowly calming down.  
"Do you want to go in now or wait a little bit?"I asked softly.  
"N- now,"He croaked. We got out silently and walked up the steps and into the reception, a good thirty centremetres apart. The thought made me sad but I didn't mention anything. Frank was currently trying to process the fact that his bitch of a mother was now in a coma and his brother and sister's were probably going to be there along with his Dad and now he was turning up with his boyfriend after three years not talking to any of them. 

"We're here to see Linda Iero,"I said to the receptionist.  
"She is on the-"The lady typed something in, her name probably, and clicked something before looking back up at us with a sad smile,"Third floor. Ward 3. The whole family is there."  
"Thank you,"I smiled back and grabbed Frank's hand. He stumbled along next to me over to the lift. Once we were in, he let go of my hand and pressed the button. But he didn't grab my hand again. We got out of the lift and headed left towards ward three. It was quiet and eery. There was the quiet murmur every now and then but otherwise it was silent. Frank's Mom was at the end of the ward, surrounded by two girls that looked in their twenties, a boy that looked about seventeen and a man that looked to be in his forties. In the bed was a woman that was very obviously Frank's Mom. All of them had pitch black hair like Frank's. The red had ong since washed out and his hair was starting to grow back now.

Frank's Dad looked up once as we slowly walked up but didn't say anything. Frank's brother turned around and spotted us, he smiled at Frank sadly. I stood back and watched as Frank went and stood with them to stare at his bruised and cut mother. No one was saying anything.  
"What happened?"Frank croaked out suddenly.  
One of his sisters jumped at the sound of his voice,"Jesus christ! Who the heck brought him here?"  
Frank tensed up as his brother said,"I did. He may be an abomination but this is still his mother and he deserves to know."  
"Will you please be quiet?"Frank's Dad barked out gruffly. Every single fibre in my body was itching to go and say something but I had no right to. Frank had warned me once before already about them being like this. He had been telling me about Greg's funeral and how his Dad had turned up late and had cursed Frank out in front of everyone. 

"She was driving to her hair appointment when a truck came out of no where and slammed into the drivers side. The doctors said there's no brain movement or whatever,"Frank's brother said quietly. Frank nodded a thanks and stared at his Mom again. I couldn't figure out why they were all just standing around her bed staring at her lifeless body.  
"I'm going to get coffee. Anyone want coffee?"One of his sisters asked. Everyone nodded except and she left. I looked around for a seat and saw to my dismay that there wasn't one.  
"Frank?"  
Everyone turned and looked at me.  
"I'll- I'll just wait outside okay?"  
He nodded, begging me with his eyes to leave his sister alone. I turned and left, spotting a seat just a little bit down the corridor. I went and sat down to wait.

*

"What?! Dad that is not fair!"Frank's brother complained as he and his Dad walked out of the ward. "Taylor you were given explicit instructions not to. You deliberately went against my orders and-"Frank's Dad stopped talking as they walked past me, him eyeing me warily, Taylor looking at me weirdly.  
"Frank you're just gonna have to deal with the fact that you don't have a say in this. Now leave me alone,"One of Frank's sisters stormed out.  
"Anna wait!"Frank called. He appeared in the doorway and watched as she marched down the hall after the rest of her family.  
"Excuse me,"His other sister roughly pushed past him, sending him stumbling forwards.  
"Jesus Clara,"Frank grumbled. Clara stopped her death march and spun around to face Frank.

"It has been three years since you left. Not once have you text, called or come back to apologise for the shame you brought on our family. And then, when something terrible happens, you come back here with another piece of shit thats like you. Probably fucking you as well. You cannot get fucked off about us treating you like shit. You aren't family anymore Frank, no matter what Taylor says, it's done."  
"For fucks sake,"He grumbled as a nurse passed by, shooting him a death glare.  
"What's happening?"I asked tentatively.  
"She's been here for a week. Taylor only text me because they decided they're going to shut off her life support. There's been no brain activity and there is some part of her brain fucking up or something. I don't know what it is but it means that if she wakes up she'd most likely be a vegetable,"Frank muttered,"Taylor only text me because they're shutting off her life support tonight. The funerals going to be in a couple of days."  
"Shit,"I breathed. 

"It's not fair!"He wailed suddenly. He buried his face in my jacket and started sobbing. I wrapped my arms around him protectively, not knowing what to say.  
"They're my fucking family you know? How can they be so fucking cold and disgusted with me? It's just a fucking preference, jesus fucking christ!"  
"I know, Frank. We just have to learn to deal with the fact that there are douchebags in the world that think their opinion is the only right one and that everyone who thinks different deserves to be treated like scum."  
"Well not this time. Last time I saw Mom I just took it. I just accepted it and left. But I'm older now. Christ I'm 21 for fucks sake. I deserve better,"Frank stood up and walked into the waard again. After a moments hesitation I followed him in.

He was grabbing a chair I had missed from next to his Mom's bed and sitting down.  
"Mom..."Frank said quietly. I stood by and watched as he started pouring his heart out to a woman who probably couldn't hear him and who didn't deserve to.  
"I don't know if you can hear me, probably not if you're brain dead, but I'm going to say this anyway. You are not a terrible mother. I forgive you for making a wrong choice. It fucking hurts that you were able to turn away your own son like that, but I don't blame you. If I really belieed in God and all the stupid christian shit you forced on me, I would probably have kicked my son out as well. Up until the day I came out to you, you've always been a good Mom. You always tucked me in at night when I was little, accepted my choice to become a vegetarian anad even helped me get used to it and shit. You've never done anything wrong by me, excluding the kicking me out, and I love you for that. I still love you. Because you're my Mom,"He sniffed noisily, taking her lifeless hand,"And I know that deep down you still love me. You just dealt with another of my preferences the wrong way and that's okay. I understand. Seeing as this is the last time I'm ever going to see you, just- up in your heaven, try and forget about me being gay and just remember me as your son. Please. I love you Mom."

Frank sat there for another minute, holding her hand and letting tears glide down his cheek.  
"Frank?"Someone said close by. I turned and realised Taylor had been listening as well. Frank let go of Linda's hand and stood up, wiping away the tears as he walked over to me.  
"What do you want?"He sniffed.  
"I-"Taylor glanced over his shoulder,"I wanted to apologise. On behalf of the family... If that's worth anything..."  
"I..."Frank stammered.  
"Look I'm not saying I'm comfortable with you and your... choices but I'm not going to be treat you badly because of it and I'm certainly not going to stop you from saying goodbye to your mother."  
"Taylor... Thank you? I don't know what to say..."Frank looked at me then back at Taylor. A look flickered across his face before he gave Taylor a fright by hugging him.

"Thank you,"Frank whispered.  
"You were always my favourite brother,"Taylor smiled as Frank's Dad walked in with Anna, Clara and the doctor.  
"Taylor what the hell are you doing?"Frank's Dad barked out. Frank and Taylor let go of each other. silent. Frank came and stood next to me.  
"Frank will you please just go? No one wants you here,"Anna sighed, sitting down in the seat Frank was in.  
"I-"  
"Oh let him stay. It's still his mother,"His Dad grumbled. The Doctor was watching very closely, interested in the family drama.  
"Taylor wants me here,"Frank mumbled. I fought the urge to wrap my arm around him at the sound of sadness in his voice but I knew it would only make it worse for him. 

"So are we uh ready?"The doctor cleared his throat awkwardly.  
"Yes,"Frank's Dad said solemnly.  
"Bye Mom,"Clara sighed. Anna mumbled something, Taylor looked on sadly, Frank's Dad looked very uncomfortable and Frank was trembling next to me, tears streaming down his face. The doctor flicked a switch or something and the line went dead.  
"Time of death; 11:53pm,"The doctor wrote something down on his clipboard then said,"I'll give you all a minute."  
Everyone was silent as he left. Anna started crying after a minute and Frank turned to me, seeming not to care about everyone else as he wrapped his arms around me and sobbed into my shoulder once again.  
"Could you not bring your disgusting ways in here around your mother's dead body?"Frank's Dad barked out suddenly. I lost it.

"Oh for fucks sake Dad,"Frank let go of me and looked at him. Everyone's eyes were on Frank. I was expecting him to finally stand up for himself and shut down his stupid family's stupid faces but instead he decided to say something that made me angry. Very angry.  
"He's not even my boyfriend. He's just a good friend that was nice enough to fucking drive me all the way up here. Can't you please just do what you usually do and pretend I'm not here? Just say goodbye to Mom and ignore me?"  
Frank's Dad stared at us warily. Frank was flapping his hand at me behind his back, asking me not to exlpode. If Frank's Mom hadn't just died I would have had a fit. But I held it in.  
"Fine. You leave with your... friend. You can say goodbye after we're done,"Frank's Dad grumbled. Frank let out a sigh of relief and turned away. He grabbed my arm and nudged me forward.

I stumbled out, walking a little down the corridor with Frank following me,"What the fuck was that?"  
"Gerard please don't start. You don't understand. There is no point with my family. They're so deeply set in their ways. What Dad just said is more than I was hoping for,"Frank sighed wearily. He leant against the wall and rubbed at his eyes.  
"Frank you just- they- fuck!"I shouted out in frustration. It wasn't fucking fair. At all,"It's not fucking fair at all! How can you just let them walk all over you like that? Why the fuck did you not say I was your boyfriend? Jesus are you that ashamed? They already know you like dick so why the fuck would you lie about me? Fuck, Frank, you need to stand up to them. Stick up for yourself because you deserve so much fucking better than that- shitty assed family,"I stammered, struggling to find a good enough describing word for them.  
"Gerard! I grew up with them all! They are my fucking family. I know what they're like. If they know you and I are screwing it'll just make it worse. I shouldn't have even brought you here. Fuck."

"If it weren't for me you wouldn't even fucking be here,"I glared at him. I grabbed my wallet and grabbed all the cash I had, ninety eight bucks. Why the fuck did I have so much?  
"Here,"I shoved the cash at him,"That should be enough for food and shit and a bus ride home. Enjoy your stupid fucking family."  
I turned on my feet and walked away.  
"Gerard where are you going?"Frank called,"What the fuck are you doing?"  
"I'm going home. If it's so bad that I'm here,"I shouted over my shoulder.  
"Gerard don't be like that! Are you seriously going to drive back at this time of night?"  
I continued walking until I was out of the hospital, still fuming. A little voice in the back of my head was telling me I should turn back and be there for Frank but the immature little dick side of me was telling me to storm off and never talk to him again. So that was what I did.


	9. Frank's Family

_21 December_

"See you later fuck face,"Clara winked at me as they all walked past me. Taylor was last in line and dropped a note in my lap as he walked by. I discreetly hid it and slowly got up from my seat. My whole face felt swollen from crying so much. Gerard left about three or four hours ago. It was almost five in the morning and I still had no idea what I was supposed to do. I opened Taylors note and tried to read it through my puffy eyes.

frank i dunno what your doin but i heard you and gerard so if you want you can sneak into my room later tonight. youll have to stay hidden tho. my number should be on your phone still so text me if your comin

I scrunched the note up and stuffed into my pocket with the money Gerard had given me. I grabbed my phone from my other pocket and opened my inbox. There was the message from Taylor but nothing else. Nothing from Gerard. I fought back another wave of sobs and started typing out a text to Taylor saying I was coming. 

*

"Shit- just- on that bit there- yep- j- shit. You okay?"Taylor finally managed to pull me through his window, me tumbling into his bedroom loudly.   
"Yeah I'm okay,"I groaned, rubbing my arms. I took a quick look around and realised Taylor was in my old room. With my old bunk beds. And drawers. I shook away the sick nostalgia feeling and stood up properly.  
"This is weird,"I let out a shaky breath.  
"Tell me about it,"Taylor agreed quietly.   
"No I mean this was my old room. The only thing that has changed is the lack of posters and the bed was over there,"I pointed to the opposite corner.  
"Oh... Right. Totally weird,"Taylor cleared his throat before busying himself at his desk. He had a laptop. A small tinge of jealously bit at me but I ignored it. Why was I getting jealous over a laptop? Taylor has gotten more love than me from our family. That is something I should be jealous of. Not the fact that he has a laptop. 

I took my shoes off and pushed them deep under the bed.  
"You're on the top bunk. Mainly because easy for you to hide closest to the wall under the blankets if Dad comes in,"Taylor mumbled as he took his shirt off.   
"Okay... Um. Thank you for this Taylor. It really means a lot,"I said as I climbed up the ladder. A wave of nostalgia hit me as I settled into the bed and stared at the glow in the dark stars stuck to the ceiling. They covered the whole thing. When I was about five or six I used to stay up late pretending I was walking on the ceiling amongst the stars. The light went off and there was a thwump as Taylor got into his bed. I stared at nothing and tried to slow my breathing for sleep but it just wouldn't come. I was wide awake. There was a slight anger bubbling away desperate to get out. 

I rolled over onto my side, facing the wall, and closed my eyes. I tried to fill my mind with thoughts of something other than Gerard and my dead mother but I couldn't. After a while I heard a quiet sniff. Taylor was crying. I thought about getting down to comfort him but he probably thought I was asleep anyway and I couldn't be bothered getting down.   
"You okay?"I found myself saying suddenly. Where had that come from?  
"Uh-"He cleared his throat,"Yeah I'm okay. It's just sort of hitting me now that's all,"He sniffed.   
"Right right... Do- do you want a hug?"  
"No I'm okay. I don't-"Taylor broke off at a knock on the door. I dragged the blankets over my head and pressed myself as close to the wall as I could as the door opened. A small phone light shone as someone walked in.

"Hey Taylor,"Clara sniffed.  
"Hi Clara. You okay?"  
"No,"Clara broke down suddenly. The bunks wobbled slightly as she sat down on Taylors bed. From the muffled sobs I figured she was crying on his shoulder.  
"Shh shh. It's gonna be okay. We'll get through this,"Taylor soothed her.   
After a few minutes she stopped crying and said,"Were you talking to someone before?"  
"No I was uh- crying as well..."  
"Oh Taylor,"Clara sighed. I lay in silence, barely daring to breathe, when the worst happened.  
"Can I sleep in here tonight? I don't want to be alone."

"Oh- I- Uh-"  
"In the top bunk of course. I won't top and tail with you like when we were little,"Clara laughed weakly.  
"You- no... I'm sorry I just uh I really feel like uh being alone?"Taylor stammered.  
"You? Passing up the chance to stay up even later and talk to someone? What's going on?"  
"Nothing I don't- what are you even talking about?"  
"Taylor is- is there someone up there? Do you have a girl up there?"Clara teased.  
"N-no,"Taylor struggled to stop being so fucking obvious. I wouldn't put it past Dad to hit me if he found me in here. 

"Alright. I know you're up there whoever you are. Someone to comfort Taylor in his time of need I'm assuming,"Clara laughed. The bed shook and suddenly I could just see Clara's phone light shining through the blanket. I held my breath and waited. She reached out and yanked the blanket back. I could barely see her face behind the phone but it didn't look pleased.  
"Clara please don't tell Dad please don't I'm begging you I'll do anything at all,"Taylor was suddenly next to her. I sat up slowly and stayed silent.   
"Taylor you could get into so much trouble for this,"Clara said quietly. She got down and so did Taylor so I climbed down. Clara was sitting on Taylors bed and Taylor was turning a lamp on. 

She was deep in thought.   
"Clara...?"Taylor broke the silence. She looked up at him with tears on her face.  
"I won't tell anyone don't worry."  
"Thank you,"Taylor let out a sigh of relief. I stood in silence, wondering what to do.   
"Frank..."Clara said softly,"Frank I'm sorry. I have been hiding myself for three years. Nineteen and I can't even tell my family I have a boyfriend. I met him at church three years ago. But not the church we go to, a Buddist church. My best friend Sarah showed me just how oppressive Mom and Dad are and I started looking at other religions just out of curiosity and David showed me Buddism and we just connected. I've been going there in secret because I know Mom and Dad will kick me out if they find out. Seeing you again made me realise that it's sort of the same story. Something making you different causing you to lose your family. It's not right. I don't like your choices but I'm not going to ridicule you for them. 

"Frank I am so so sorry for the hurt I've caused you. I am so disgusted and ashamed of myself and I totally understand if you can never forgive me. I can't even forgive myself..."Clara trailed off. I couldn't move. I was frozen on the spot. Part of me was angry at her still but most of me just couldn't give a damn. I had somehow gotten two family members back.   
"Frank say something,"She sniffed. Taylor had somehow melded into the background silently.  
"I uh I don't know what to say,"I croaked.   
"You don't have to say anything. Don't worry,"She sniffed. She blinked and looked away from me hopelessly. She stood up as I stood there, like a statue.   
"I'm gonna go back to my room. Uh sorry for the sob fest and shit,"She said quietly to Taylor.  
"Night Clara,"He murmured back. And still I stood. 

After the door closed, Taylor came and put his hand on my shoulder,"Frank? You okay?"  
"Probably not. But I'm trying to ignore the shit storm in my stomach at the moment."  
"Do- do you need anything? Water? Food?"  
"Uh just some water would be great thanks,"I managed to get out. Now that he mentioned it, I was thirsty as fuck.   
"Okay I'll just be a second."  
I stood for another minute before finally moving, my knees clicking from the lack of movement as I sat down on the edge of Taylor's bed. He came back with a glass of cold water and a packet of cookies.   
"Thank you,"I managed to pul the corners of my mouth up into what I hoped was a smile. It felt more like a grimace. 

"How are you doing?"Taylor asked quietly, sitting down next to me.  
"My Mom's dead, my boyfriend basically dumps me, paying me like I'm a whore and I suddenly get two family members back. So pretty good."  
Taylor snorted slightly,"Sorry. Stupid question."  
"Don't worry about it. How are you doing?"  
"Okay. Trying to process it all without having a mental breakdown really. Never would have guessed about Clara man. She always seems so happy to go to church,"Taylor sighed. I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything at all. I just sipped my drink and held the cookies awkwardly. I wouldn't be able to stomach them just yet.   
"You don't have to eat those now. Just- if you want to leave them til the morning or something."  
"Right right. I'll uh get back into bed."

Once we were settled back into bed with the lights off the tears came. I managed to stay quiet though. Taylor fell asleep pretty quickly after the lights went out and once I got over my tears, so did I. 

*

_23rd December_

"...May she rest in peace,"The church guy finished speaking and stepped down. There was a moments silence before Dad, Taylor and a bunch of other guys I didn't recognise got up and walked towards Mom's coffin. This was my only chance to leave. I quietly stood up and darted towards a side hallway before Dad turned around and saw me. I stuck to the shadows as they started carrying her down the isle. Dad and Taylor were at the front. Taylor was on my side and behind him was none other than my best friend. Ex best friend. I couldn't even remember his name. Since when was he close enough to Mom to carry her coffin? I watched as he walked, tears streaming down his face. What the fuck? I took a step closer to get a better look. Big mistake. At the sudden movement amidst the still silence, he looked over and locked eyes with me. In the two seconds it took for him to recognise me I had turned around and was now hurrying down the hallway into the dark, candle lit stone passageway. Where the fuck was I? I could hear yelling and shouting echoing around there. Suddenly there was a huge crash and screams. They must have dropped the coffin. 

I fought back a laugh and turned left into a small library. I closed the door behind me and took in a deep breath. The sound of a grandfather clock ticking directly ahead of me was the only sound I could hear. I looked at the door and let out a sigh of relief at the sight of the lock. I turned the lock and decided to take a look around. There were a few shelves full of books, mainly historic religious books but there were a few classics. I grabbed a random one and settled on a comfy armchair around the corner from the door. I couldn't focus on the book though. Any sort of creak made me start panicking. I gulped in some air and tried to stay calm. I suddenly realised this was the first time I had actually felt like I was going to have a panic attack since Gerard left. I didn't have one when Clara found me or the day after when Taylor and Clara were figuring out how to get me to the church without anyone noticing and Dad came up. I had to hide in the closet for ten minutes while he talked to them about the funeral. 

There had been no word from Gerard. I was determined not to be the first one to call him. I may have said the wrong thing, but there was no need for him to be an immature little shit about it. He doesn't understand what my family is like. They're close minded, stubborn and rude. There is nothing he could say that would get them to change their mind. Well excluding Clara and Taylor now I guess. But regardless of that, Gerard should have just listened to me. I sure did miss him though. I stared at nothing as the tears welled up in my eyes and my body started shaking. It was then, through the tears, that I noticed a sharp letter opener sitting on the small table next to my chair. I picked it up with shaking hands, staring at it thoughtfully. 

Before I knew it I had six slashes up my arm bleeding heavily and I was crying even harder than before. I dropped the letter opener and looked around for something to clean up the blood. I spotted a box of tissues on a table next to a door I hadn't noticed before hand and darted over to it. I soaked up the blood and balled the tissues up to put in my pocket. I ignored the burning in my arm and tried the door. It opened and lead me out into a garden filled with flowers. I shut the door quietly behind me and started wandering along the path slowly, cautious of any noise. The path lead around to the front of the church. To the left was the very edge of the cemetery where Mom was being buried. I used this as my chance to get away. I had Gerard's cash on me still so I walked up the road to the nearest bus stop and waited for the next one home.


	10. Bright Lights

_December 25th, Christmas Day_

The snow is falling heavily outside, piling up against windows almost so you can't see the winter wonderland outside. Inside most houses, at this time in the morning, kids are just waking up, excited even through the sleepyness, parents are being woken by there kids yelling about Santa Claus and presents. In some houses everyone is sleeping in, enjoying the happy holiday. As the day goes on, families enjoy delicious food, bright lights on christmas trees, warm fires with their families, but in one apartment Frank Iero sits alone on his couch. He's staring at a small present wrapped neatly in his lap. The wrapping paper is a bright red with 'happy christmas' in green caligraphy dotted all over. On the silver ribbon is a tag. It reads:

"Gerard, thank you for entering my life. Merry Christmas. Frank xoxo."

Frank takes in a deep breath, as if he hadn't taken a breath in a while. A single tear slips down his left cheek as he picks the present up and takes it into his bedroom. He yanks open a drawer from his bedside table and sits the present in before slamming it shut and pulling open a lower drawer. He reaches in and pulls out a razor blade and a half emoty pack of small tissues. He sets them down next to him on the bed and grabs a phone from under his pillow. He presses a button and the screen lights up, telling him of no new messages, no well wishes for the day, nothing. Frank lets out a sob and throws the phone at the wall. He picks up the blade and starts slicing open his arm, warm bright red blood runs down onto his pyjama bottoms and blanket. Once. Twice. Three times. Six times. Frank knows he should stop but he is struggling. The pain feels good in a terrible way. With fumbling fingers he puts the blade into his other hand, slipping through the blood, and starts on his other arm. 

After he runs out of room, he takes his pyjamas bottoms off and starts on the top of his thighs. Frank can barely see his skin through the amount of blood pouring out. When he starts to feel dizzy, he knows he needs to stop. He drops the blade to the ground, blood spatters surrounding it. Frank rises slowly, struggling to find strength. He staggers into his bathroom and turns the shower on. Very carefully he takes his t-shirt off and his underwear off before stepping into the shower and cleaning his arms. Frank's face scrunches up in pain as the water hits his deepest cuts. Once he is clean, he gets out and towels off, tying handtowels around his arms and legs. He pulls underwear on over the towels and climbs into his bed carefully. Frank tugs the blanket over his shoulders, blocking out the bright lights from outside and starts crying the hardest he has ever cried in all his life until he falls into a deep dreamless sleep. 

*

A small pile of wrapping paper sat in the corner, bright colours twinkling in the ever changing bright lights on the christmas tree. Four people, smiling and laughing together, sat around a fireplace just beginning to die. The oldest, the mother, gets up and leaves the room. The three left settle down, the youngest boy, Mikey, kisses the girl. She smiles at him adoringly and the older boy, Gerard, looks away.   
"Why isn't Frank here again?"The girl, Alicia, asks and breaks the soft silence.  
"He decided to spend it with his family. You know, with his Mom dying and all,"Gerard mumbles. Donna Way walks back into the room, a huge box in her hands.  
"Mom what is that?"Mikey exclaims. He jumps up and goes to take it from her when a loud yap escapes the box.  
"Is that- is that a- oh my god!"Alicia squeals and scrambles to her feet, desperate to get a look.  
"Merry Christmas boys,"Donna says with a huge grin. 

Gerard picks himself up from the ground and puts on a smile that doesn't reach his eyes,"Mom this is amazing. I can't believe you got us a puppy!"  
Another bark rings out and Mikey sets the box down. He opens it and a small fluffy white dog bounds out into his lap. Mikey is laughing, Alicia joins him on the floor and laughs as well. Donna sits down and moves the box out of the way, joining in the fun.  
"I'm just going to the bathroom,"Gerard stammers out. He turns around and leaves the room quickly. He pulls open a door and shuts himself inside his bedroom quietly. Gerard takes a deep shuddering breath and starts crying. Tears slip down his cheeks as he stumbles over to his bed. Instead of falling like Gerard had planned, he dropped to his kness and reached for a shoe box underneath. He pulls it out with shaking hands and opens it. Inside is a small safe, padlocked.

"Shit,"Gerard mumbles. He gets up and goes to his closet, opens the door and feels along the skirting on the inside. Gerard grabs the small keys and goes back to the mini safe. He unlocks it and pulls out an unopened miniature sized bottle of whiskey. Gerard stares at it for what feels like forever, contemplating the consequences.  
"I don't need it. I don't need it,"He says to himself. After two minutes he picks the bottle up and opens it, savouring the sound of the lid cracking open. He takes a sniff and shudders. He screws the lid back on, puts the bottle in the safe, locks it up and replaces the shoe box under his bed before putting the keys back in their hiding spot. Gerard gets up and makes sure there is no evidence of his crying before going back into the living room to join in the festivities. Mikey looks up at him as he enters and smiles widely. Gerard sits down and calls the puppy over to him, faking a smile even though there is still a tear in his eye, the bright lights of the tree reflecting onto the world.


	11. Sleep Trumps All

_28th December_

"When does Frank come back?"Mikey asked over his lasagne.   
I swallowed my mouthful of my sandwich and took in a deep breath,"Not til after the new year. Like another week or something,"I mumbled.  
"Naww do you miss him?"He asked me a sickly gooey voicemistaking my instant depression over his name for longing,"Does wittle Geward miss his boyfwiend?"  
"Fuck off,"I grumbled. I dropped the last of my sandwich and got up. I threw the remains out and went down to my room, keeping the puppy out as I went. It was a bad idea because Mikey of course immediately knew something was up. Thankfully he didn't follow me. I sat down on my bed and took in deep breaths, trying to calm myself. No matter what I did I couldn't stop the feeling of anger and depression from sinking in. Before I knew what I was doing I had pulled out my shoe box from under the bed and had opened the mini safe. 

"Just one sip,"I reassured myself quietly. I picked up the whiskey, unscrewed the lid and lifted it to my lips. As the alcohol hit the back of my throat, the burn eased the feeling in my stomach somehow. I swallowed my mouthful and put the lid back on. I set it down in the safe and stared at it. I licked my lips, enjoying the taste. I took a deep breath and assessed my feelings. My stomach had started to make me feel sick again. I picked the bottle up and took another sip. And another. And another. Next thing, the bottle was empty and I felt myself wanting more. Of course it would be on the anniversary of Dad's death that I relapsed.   
"Fuck,"I mumbled. I put the empty bottle back in the safe, locked it all up and shoved my shoes on. I grabbed my wallet and went out.  
"Just going for a walk!"I called as I walked down the hall. Alfie, the puppy, started yapping at my feet. I ignored him.  
"Okay. I'm going to a movie with the guys later, do you wanna come?"  
"Uh nah I'm good thanks. Have fun. See ya!"I called, forcing a cheeriness into my voice as I walked out the door. 

I started to walk towards Symonds Street but turned around when I realised it would take me past Frank's flat. I had no idea if he was actually back or not. I hadn't heard from him since I had left him in the hospital. Anger flared up inside as I thought about that day. It felt like forever ago but it had barely been a week. How could Frank defend his family like that? They were so fucking terrible to him. And what the fuck was the point in not saying I was his boyfriend? I was pretty sure it was fucking obvious. Unless they were that fucking stupid. I turned onto Newton Road, shivering as a gust of wind almost knocked me off my feet and into the snow covered bush. The sky was a dark angry grey, matching my feelings as I turned onto Waterloo Ave. I could go to the bar on Symonds Street, it would be down the road from Frank but it wasn't as bad as walking through the park to get to one on Elliston Street. I also didn't want to walk past work. 

Within the next few minutes I was in the warm bar buying a glass of whiskey. I pushed the bad thoughts from my head and took a seat down the end of the bar, staring at the grain of the wood.   
"I knew it wouldn't be long til I saw you back here,"A venomous voice said behind me. I swivelled around in my chair to see the guy that had punched me for sleeping with his brother a few weeks ago.  
"What do you mean?"I sighed, turning back around to continue drinking.  
"Well you did say you were an alcoholic. I knew it wouldn't be long til you fell off the wagon. You enjoy your night,"He punched the back of my shoulder in a friendly way but with way too much force. My arm jutted forward and knocked my drink across the bar.  
"Fuck,"I grumbled. The bartender appeared with a cloth and another drink for me.  
"Don't worry, it's on the house. That guy is always a douche for no reason,"He smiled warmly at me.   
"Thanks man,"I muttered. I took the drink from him and moved to another seat away from the mess. 

I sculled my drink as the regret and anger started to wash over me, creating a whirlwind in my stomach. The whiskey settled it down and gave me a light headed warm feeling. God I had missed this. A voice I hadn't heard in three years perked up, telling me I should stop. That I should call Jade. I ignored it and ordered another drink. I was old enough to make my own decisions and after three years of no drinking I was pretty sure I knew when to stop. I had everything under control. I ordered another drink, not realising I had already finished my first one. No that was my second one. Was it? My third. It was my third. So long as I could keep track of what I was drinking I would be fine. The voice in the back of my head was telling me I wasn't doing a very good job but I was pretty skilled at ignoring that voice. 

After what seemed like forever, I realised I had drunk too much. I was too drunk to care though. I turned around on my chair and stared around at the other punters. Some old, some young. One of them was standing by the door staring at me. I put on my most charming smile and walked over to him, trying not to bump into the blurry tables. As I got closer I realised who it was. Anger and hurt was raging across his face as he backed away from me.   
"Frank waits!"I slurred. Shit. That voice was laughing at me now. I was swaying and I felt ridiculously dizzy. I had fucked up.

"Look at you, Gerard. You're just as bad as me,"Frank snorted in anger at me. What does that mean?  
"What do you mean? Frank what the hell is happening?"I asked dramatically.   
"What's happening is you are drunk as a skunk and I'd like for you to leave,"Frank said firmly.  
"You can't tell me to do that! You don't own this bar. You don't even work here,"I glared at him.  
"Actually I do work here. Today is my third day,"Frank looked smug. The bastard. I had an overwhelming urge to punch his stupid face but I pushed it down and stood up as straight as I could to tower over him.   
"Frank you need to apologise to me. Then and only then will I take you back,"I folded my arms and stared at both of the Frank's, waiting as they looked at me like I was insane.   
"Me apologise to you?! Are you fucking crazy?! You left me with money in a small town full of people that hate me after insulting me, my intelligence and my family and you want me to apologise to you?! Oh wow Gerard that is rich, just fucking spectacular. You have well and truly royally fucked up you complete cunt. Get the hell out. Now,"The Frank's stepped to the side and pointed at the door. I clenched my fist and was about to hit the Frank on the left when someone grabbed my arms.

"Hey get off of me!"I grappled with the bartender, a lot stronger than he looked, and pushed me towards the door. Everyone was watching me. The dick who's brother I fucked was grinning at me. I turned to look at the Frank's but only saw one of them crying. Then I was outside on the cold hard ground. I struggled to my feet as I heard Frank say 'I'm sorry kyle..." but then the door was shut properly and I couldn't hear a thing. Blood was pounding in my head, I was breathing heavily, puffing it out into the air in front of me. I stood there for a minute before the cold made me move. I walked as fast as I could down Symonds Street and towards home. I turned onto my road and walked faster, snow starting to fall around me. 

I could hear shouting up ahead. I looked up and froze. Mikey and the guys were all walking slowly down the road. I stood rooted to the spot, begging them all not to turn around. It didn't work.  
"Hey it's Gerard!"Ray shouted. They all turned around and looked at me. I had no choice but to walk with them now.   
"How was the movies?"I asked as I caught up, trying to stay away from them. There was no doubt in my mind that I smelt of whiskey from when that douchebag had knocked over my drink and my drinking in general.  
"It was just the one Gerard,"Bob snorted.   
"Right right right right,"I laughed. This whole situation was so fucking hilarious. Of fucking course I run into my brother and our mates after drinking for the first time in three years. It was just my luck that Frank just so happened to work at the stupid fucking bar.  
"What are you laughing at?"Mikey asked me slowly.

"Uhhhh nothing,"I smiled at him. He stopped walking and stared at me. We all stopped walking and looked back at him.  
"Gerard come here?"  
"Okay Mikey's,"I stumbled over to them, laughing at myself.  
"Mikey's? Plural?"Both the Mikey's looked at me. Oh shit double. That wasn't right. I shook my head vigorously, not getting too close. Mikey eyed me before stepping forward suddenly and smelling me. Fuck.  
"Hey guys? Could you all please go home? I need to get Gerard home,"He sighed. The guys all mumbled something as they walked away and Mikey dragged me past the last two houses to get to ours. 

_29 December_

When we were inside, he locked the door, took off his shoes and dragged me into the lounge. He shoved me down into a couch and glared at me.  
"What happened?"  
"I don't know what you mean,"I smiled up at him innocently. That voice was perking up again, telling me to stop being an idiot. To tell him about Frank. Tell him how shitty everything has been.   
"Don't fuck around Gerard. Why the hell are you drunk?"  
"Because... I'm... I'm a fucking idiot, Mikey,"I stammered out. Before I could stop them, hot tears were filling my eyes and spilling out onto my cheeks,"Oh fuck."  
"Gerard..."Mikey sat down next to me, softer now,"What happened? Did something happen with Frank?"  
"Yeah he- we had a huge argument and I left him at the hospital with some money and I hadn't heard from him since then until tonight!"I wailed.

"You what?! What the hell is wrong with you Gerard?"Mikey looked at me incredulously,"Just tell me everything that happened."  
I took in a deep breath and told him as much as I could remember of the hospital and the argument at the bar.  
"Gerard you are the one in the wrong. You have absolutely no right to butt in and try to tell him how to handle his family. He grew up with them. He knew what he was doing. And then for you to be waiting for an apology from him? It's no wonder he said what he said. Gerard you are a fuckwit and you need to make things right,"Mikey said grumpily.  
I let out a deep sigh and stared at him, the voice in the back of my head, the sober one, agreeing with him while I tried to think of a way I could get to bed without him noticing.  
"Look, I understand that you've been having a rough time lately with Frank so I understand why you turned to alcohol. But starting tomorrow you are going cold turkey again. I promise not to tell Mom if you don't want me to. I think you should tell her but it's your choice. She's gonna be home from work soon so you might want to get to bed now."

"How did I get so lucky to have you as a brother?"I smiled up at him weakly.  
"I dunno man. We can figure it out tomorrow. I'll call work for you in the morning so you can just sleep off your hangover. Come on,"Mikey held out his hand for me and I took it,"Lets get you into bed"  
We staggered down into my bedroom where I fell onto my bed, the sleepiness taking over almost instantly. I barely felt Mikey pulling off my shoes, muttering about a smell, then leaving. I closed my eyes and woke up several hours later in the exact same position to Mikey coming back in with a glass of water and aspirin.   
"Gerard I want you to take this now before you go to sleep okay?"  
"Wh- before? I've been asleep ages,"I mumbled.  
"I put you in here about a minute ago. Come on, take this and then you can sleep,"Mikey shook my shoulder. I sat up, took the pills and thanked Mikey, vowing to never drink again. He said goonight and left me to pull my jeans off and then half-heartedly climb under the blankets to fall into a deep sleep.

*

Most of the next day passed by with my sleeping. I woke up at six in the morning with a catastrophic headache and a thick mouth. I stumbled out to get more aspirin and water then had gone straight back to bed. At half past two I woke up starving. I got up to get some food, chewing slowly on a sandwich while I tried to remember last night. No matter what I did I couldn't remember anything. There was something niggling me in the back of my mind, telling me I had to do something, but nothing would tell me what it was so I gave up in it and went back to bed. Four hours later Mom came in and asked if I wanted dinner. I managed to wake up enough to say yes only to fall back asleep for another 3 hours. I woke at half nine feeling hungry and guilty. I stumbled out into the lounge to find Mikey and Alicia cuddling together on the couch. 

"Finally up are you?"Mikey asked me quietly. Alicia must have been asleep.  
"Was Mom mad? About dinner?"I asked in reply.  
"No. I just told her you went with us last night and ended up feeling sick. I also called into work for you. They didn't seemt to mind at all. But you need to go in tomorrow then you're off until the fifth when they re-open."  
"How was Mom yesterday?"I asked, the date hitting me in the face suddenly.  
"Okay I guess. She got up quite late but when she was up we watched a movie together. It was just after you left actually."  
"I feel terrible,"I groaned and fwumped down into the armchair.   
"You should,"Mikey said simply, offering me no words of comfort,"You should go and talk to him. Make sure he's okay."  
"What? Who?"I looked at him.  
"Frank...?"

"Why would I..."I trailed off as a tidal wave of memories hit me,"Oh fuck. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck."  
"What's going on?"Alicia mumbled sleepily.  
"Gerard's a fucking idiot that's all,"Mikey kissed her softly on the head.  
"What should I do? Should I go and see him now?"  
"Probably not. Give him the day to cool off and then go see him tomorrow. He's probably working anyway,"Mikey yawned widely.  
"Okay..."I relaxed slightly.  
"Sweetie?"Mikey nudged Alicia slightly,"Do you want to go down to bed?"  
I didn't see her nod or say anything but she must have answered Mikey because he sat up slightly, maneuvering himself underneath her. He moved until she was across his lap, in his arms, and he picked her up like a gentleman.  
"Go and see him in the morning okay? I'll wake you up before we go to work. Goodnight,"Mikey said as he carefully carried Alicia out of the lounge.  
"G'night little brother,"I mumbled, sleep taking over me once more.


	12. Gone Forever

_December 30th_

I was beginning to regret using white sheets for once. There was now splotches of old blood or fresh blood everywhere. I didn't have the energy to even wash them. It would be pointless to do so. Every morning I woke up with my cuts broken open and bleeding. The fact that I was still alive was a shock. I hadn't even passed out from lack of blood. It had been two days since I had seen Gerard drunk at my work. Two days since the worst day of my life. I had thought Gerard was different. I felt slightly guilty about all of this causing him to drink again. Almost a month of no cutting before a relapse wasn't as bad as three years no drinking being sent down the drain. Anger boiled up as I thought about everything Gerard had said. How dare he say I had to apologise? That fucking prick!

I took in deep breaths, trying to calm myself before I got too worked up. I got up from the couch for the first time in three hours and went to the kitchen to get some water. It was just after lunch and I had nothing to do. Yesterday I had cleaned the entire flat to pass the time before work but after I finished I still had 3 hours to kill before I even had to get ready. In the end I had gone downstairs to my landlords shop and had offered to clean for him. He had given me a discount on next weeks rent for it so I was glad I did. But his shop wasn't open today and my flat was still clean from yesterday. Everything on TV was depressing me even more so I had decided to just sit. At first it had been relaxing, not doing anything at all, but then the bad thoughts had crept in. My hands started shaking as tears slipped down my cheeks. I gasped as I dropped my glass and it shattered all around my socked feet. I carefully turned on the spot and jumped over to a clear area, wincing as my clothes rubbed against my cuts.

I went into my bedroom, forgetting about the broken glass instantly, and grabbed a pen and paper. I thought for a second before writing out my resignation letter. I signed it, grabbed my jacket and keys, and left for work. In the minute it took to get there, I was soaked through. I hadn't even noticed the rain beating against the windows. The sky was a dark menacing black. Large thick clouds pissing all over me, letting me know just how worthless and insignificant I was to the world.   
"Frank? You're early. And wet,"My boss, Kyle, snorted.   
"I'm handing in my resignation letter,"I said firmly, not letting my anxiety take over the normal part of me.  
"What?"Kyle's face fell.  
"After everything with Gerard I've decided to move back home. I think I need to be with my family."  
"Oh well fair enough I guess. Can you still work tonight?"He asked hopefully.  
"Uhh... I can't sorry. My brother is picking me up tonight,"I bullshitted. I had already made up my mind an hour earlier.   
"That's no problem. Look if you ever move back here then don't hesitate to come in for a job again. I really liked you, Frank,"Kyle said sadly.

I closed my eyes, holding in the tears,"Thank's Kyle. I'll definitely keep that in mind. Uh- here,"I thrust the letter at him. He took it and we stood there awkwardly.  
"I guess I better get going,"I coughed out.  
"Yeah yeah... Good- good luck with life and shit,"He smiled at me weirdly.  
"You too,"I forced a smile in return before turning around and walking as fast as I could towards the door. As soon as I was outside in the rain I walked a few steps before stopping and leaning against the wet wall, gulping in air. It took a minute before I could get going again. Once I was back inside I went back and got some more paper and my pen. I sat down on my bed and started writing.

To whoever finds this first, most likely my landlord come to complain about the lack of rent money.

I jumped off the bridge on the thirtieth of december. I thought it would be better because it means no body to get rid of. I leave all of my measly possessions to my landlord. I hope he can get at least a little bit of money from them to make up for my late rent. If word of this ever reaches Gerard Way, tell him i'm sorry for coming into his life and making him lose his three years sobriety. And can someone tell my family (if they ever come looking that is) that I moved to France? I doubt you'll have to but you know. Better to be safe than sorry. Also sorry for the broken glass in the kitchen. Sorry for even existing really. That about sums it up. Wow what a pathetic suicide note. To quote a movie or whatever; goodbye cruel world.

I folded the note, went and sat it on the kitchen counter before walking towards the front door. It was two in the afternoon and it looked like it was eight o'clock at night outside. I didn't bother grabbing an umbrella, I was already sopping wet from my two second walk to the bar. I took one last look at my flat before letting out a sigh and leaving. As I walked slowly along Symonds Street, taking a last look at the road that had been my home for three years, I felt nothing but a heavy weight in my chest. And regret. Regret over not doing this sooner. It would have caused a lot less frustration and pain for myself and others. I reached Elliston Crescent and took one last look at Symonds Street before heading along the shop fronts. In what seemed like no time at all, I had reached Baker Road. 

Baker Road only had a few buildings along it, otherwise it was all dirt and rocks until the bridge. I stared around and ignored the thoughts of Gerard pushing their way into my head. I spotted a large rock just before the bridge and went to pick it up. If I fell over the edge of the bridge so that my back hit the water, then the rock would weigh me down and keep me under. I struggled to pick it up in the mud, water dripping into my eyes and blinding me. I cried out as I picke dit up, dragging it up my shredded legs. It was digging into the cuts on my arm as well. I could already see blood seeping through, spreading with the water. I walked onto the bridge, shaking water out of my eyes, and leant against the barrier, catching my breath. Behind and below me, the rising water was flowing wildly in the wind and rain. A sudden burst of fear ran through me. I took in a few shuddering breaths, trying to ignore the pain and the cold. I took in one final breath and-  
"Frank?!"Someone shouted. I jerked backwards in shock over hearing my name. I was falling. Fast. 

"NO!"He yelled. Right before I hit the water, Gerard's face appeared above me, panic stricken and sopping wet. My back hit the water with a slap and I went under. Gone forever.


	13. Stay With Me

_30th December_

"How was Frank?" Mikey asked as he sat down next to me, picking up a controller and joining the game.   
"Aye? Frank?" I mumbled, poking my tongue out as I shot down a group of soldiers.  
"You were going to go and talk to him?" Mikey paused the game, forcing me to focus.   
"Fuck!" I shouted out, literally smacking my forehead with my hand.  
"Get going," he sighed,"It's two in the afternoon what have you been doing all day?"  
"Sleeping and playing on here," I grumbled. I got up and walked into my bedroom for my jacket and umbrella.   
"Hopefully if all goes well I won't see you tonight?" Mikey called as I passed the lounge.  
"Yeah yeah whatever," I snorted. I opened the front door and groaned at how heavy and thick the rain was. I put up my umbrella and stepped outside, shutting the door behind me before setting off for Frank's flat. 

Three long wet minutes later I arrived at his door. I pounded on it hard to be heard over the rain, calling out his name. A minute passed and still he didn't answer. I knocked again and again, begging for him to answer. Surely he couldn't be that angry to not even hear me out? After another two minutes I was about to give up when his landlord opened the door looking pissed off.  
"He upstairs. You go up. Be quiet. You scare my customers," he grumbled and shuffled back into his store. I put my umbrella down and leant it in the doorway to dry off. I thumped up the stairs and went to know on the door but it was ajar.

"Frank?"I called uncertainly. I pushed the door open and stared. Something was weird. I took a step in and looked around properly. Unless he was in the bathroom, he wasn't here. I went and pushed the door open to find him not there. I made my way towards the door when I spotted some paper on the benchtop. I picked it up, my eyes darting to the broken glass on the floor of the kitchen. I opened the note and scanned it, my stomach suddenly training for the olympics as I took it in. I crushed the note in my hand and ran. And ran. And ran. Out the door, flying down the steps and out into the rain, umbrella standing forgotten. My feet pounded against the pavement loudly, splashing water everywhere. I had only been in the rain for about thirty seconds and I was already sopping wet. I rounded onto Elliston Crescent and pulled out my phone as I went. The streets were deserted in this rain. I dialled 911 and demanded an ambulance and police to get to Baker Bridge as fast as possible. Within a minute I was onto Baker Road. My side was aching, my chest was burning and my mouth was dry but still I ran. 

In the distance I could see the bridge, looming out at me in the thick rain. I got closer and closer and spotted him sitting on the barrier, holding something. A surge of hope ran through me at seeing him not dead.   
"Frank!"I shouted out. He ignored me and pushed. I put on a surge of speed as his legs slipped over,"NO!"  
I hit the barrier, painfully, and watched as he hit the water, complete and utter relief all over his face. The water closed in on him and he sank down and out of sight. 

***

In the minute it took me to get down from the bridge to the edge of the water, the rain had stopped. I tried to ignore the way that made me think of it signalling Frank's death. I refused to believe it.   
"FRANK?!"I shouted desperately over the water, sirens wailing behind me. I waded into the water slightly,"FRANKIE PLEASE!"  
"Come on Sonny,"Someone was tugging on my arm. I barely felt it. The policeman managed to drag me out of the water and up the riverbank. After that everything started to pass by in a blur. At some point Mikey arrived and convinced me to wait in the car with him while the police got someone to start searching the water.  
"Gerard?"Mikey broke the silence that had started when he had shut the door,"Gerard you need to understand that they might not find his body. The water is flowing pretty strongly so he could be miles downstream already... Gerard?"

I ignored him, watching the workers. One of them suddenly came running up the riverbank, yelling at the ambos. In a second I was out of the car and racing towards them.  
"Gerard come back!"Mikey called after me. I skidded down the riverbank as they hauled a body onto the mud and stones.   
"No,"I let out a sob. Even though I had been expecting it, knew there was no way he had survived, it still hurt to see him lying in the dirt so lifeless and cold. I dropped down to my knees next to him, ignoring the people asking me to back away.   
"Gerard come on, let- let them do their work,"Mikey asked weakly.  
"No no no no,"I cried. He was disgustingly cold and still. I grabbed one of his arms, his note still scrunched up tightly in my hands, and pulled the sleeve up as far as it would go. Right the way up were cuts, some still leaking small amounts of blood, others looking clean yet fresh. 

"I should have been there for him,"I said firmly, tears flowing down my face and dripping onto Frank,"I should have been a decent human being and been there for him!"I shouted. I leant down and kissed his arm then his lips before letting them drag me away. 

*

"Gerard will you please eat something?"Mom sighed from the door. I continued staring at the ceiling. Mom sighed again and closed the door quietly. I clenched my eyes shut and willed myself to go to sleep but no matter what I did it just wouldn't come. It had been thirteen hours since they had pulled Frank's body from the water. He was at the hospital now, being examined or something. After Mikey had driven me home I had climbed into bed and hadn't moved. Mom had gotten home about an hour ago and Mikey had gotten her up to speed I assumed. Mom had started planning the funeral for me and Mikey had even managed to contact Frank's family. All of this information had only made me feel worse. I couldn't get the image of Frank's relieved face as he hit the water. Every time I closed my eyes I saw his cold lifeless body. My hand was still clenched around his note. Mikey had tried to take it from me only to draw the only words out of me since my crying over Frank. 

There was a knock on the door. I didn't bother answering. I didn't want to say anything at all. The door opened and someone walked in. I glanced over to see Mikey and two people I didn't expect to see. Taylor and Clara.  
"Gerard?"Mikey asked hesitantly,"These are the two people I managed to get into contact with. I went to Frank's apartment and found his phone. Taylor- right?"  
Taylor nodded.  
"Yeah Taylor was the only family I coud find..."  
"Gerard what happened?"Taylor asked. Him and Clara walked right in and sat on my bed. Still I didn't say anything.   
"Please tell us, we don't know anything except that our brother killed himself. Why would he do something like that? We thought he was happy?"Clara pleaded, her voice breaking.

I thrust the note at them, letting go of it for the first time since I picked it up. Clara took it and read it silently before breaking down and handing it to Taylor.   
"Why wouldn't he have told us he was feeling like this?"Taylor asked stupidly. That comment got me. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and sat up to look at him, ignoring the shocked look on Mikey's face.   
"Why wouldn't he tell you? Seriously? Out of all the questions you could ask, why he didn't tell you is the one you pick?"I stared at him incredulously.  
"Gerard we didn't know he-"  
"You guys are fucking ridiculous!"I shouted,"You kick him out of his home because of a preference that he can't help. When his Mom is on her fucking deathbed you contact him. Not after the accident, but after you've made the decision to pull her plug. And you weren't even going to contact him. One of you just got cold feet. You and your entire family are fucking disgusting for the way you treated Frank. It makes me sick to my stomach when I think about how terribly you must have treated him when I left him at the hospital.

"Do you know what he told me? He said that when he went to Greg's, Greg's family shunned him as well. They only put up with him because Greg made them. And then when Greg died, he was kicked out again only to find that all the decent human beings at his job had gone and he was left with two bitches that made him feel like the scum of the earth every fucking chance they got. And then he met my brothers girlfriend and in turn me..."I trailed off, closing my eyes as I remembered that day. Taylor and Clara were stunned into silence, waiting for me to go on.  
"I helped him. He stopped cutting, he was happy with me. And I was happy with him. I loved him,"I sobbed suddenly, the tears shocking me. I swiped them away furiously,"Then you guys contacted him telling him his Mom was dying and it all went downhill from there. If you guys weren't such fucking cunts then maybe, just maybe, Frank might still be here."

I dropped back down, my head hitting the pillows heavily, and let the tears flow freely.  
"Gerard... We had no idea..."Taylor said softly. Clara was crying just as much as me.  
"I think you should both go now. I'll see you at the funeral,"I sniffed. They didn't say anything as they got up and left. Mom came in and sat down next to me.  
"Gerard?"She asked tentatively, placing a hand on my leg.  
"Mom this is my fault,"I croaked, reaching blindly for her.   
"Oh Gerard,"She grabbed my hands and pulled me into a sitting position so she could hug me,"Don't be silly. This was something that was always going to happen. Whether it was something you said or something a stranger said further down the line, Frank was just destined to leave this way. You can't blame yourself for this,"She said softly. The words were going in one ear and out the other. 

She stayed quiet until I had stopped crying. All I could think about was how horrible I had been to Frank. How terrible he must have felt to apologise to me for even coming into my life. I clenched my eyes shut as tight as possible and tried to remember the last time he had smiled at me. It was before he found out his Mom had had an accident. We had been putting up Christmas decorations on the tree and I had stuck tinsel on Mikey's head. Mikey hadn't been happy but everyone else had laughed because it made him look like a stripper. In the end Mikey had struck a pose and made us all laugh even more. I had looked at Frank to see him giggling his adorable giggle and he had smiled at me. Happy. That was only two weeks ago.   
"Gerard are you listening to me?"Mom broke my concentration. I shook my head and she sighed, pulling away to give me a look I hadn't seen since Dad died, and said,"Gerard. These things happen. It might not be how you intended or anywhere near what you wanted, but it happened and you can't change that. You remember what I said to you after Arthur died?"  
I nodded. I could never forget what Mom said that night. It had been after Dad's funeral and even though I was drunk I still remembered every word of what she said.  
"What did I say?"

I took in a deep shuddering breath and sat up straight,"You said that Dad never would have blamed me, that it was what he wanted to do, it was his choice. It may not have been the best choice but it was his none the less and we had no say in it. Dad wouldn't have wanted me to mope about feeling guilty. He would have wanted me to move on and remember the good things about him and all the happy memories we had together."  
"Exactly. Now, I don't want you to relapse with your drinking so I'm going to keep a close eye on you and-"  
"I already relapsed,"I blurted out. Mom looked shocked at this, slightly angry and upset but mostly shocked.  
"Wh- how? What happened?"She asked me softly. Before I could stop myself I was telling her everything. 

"Gerard you stupid silly boy,"Mom sighed and pulled me into a hug,"You never think things through properly do you. Never think about the consequences."  
"I'm sorry Mom,"I mumbled, feeling more tears coming on. She squeezed me even tighter and muttered reassuring things into my hair.   
"Do you think you could eat something before going to sleep?"She asked me hopefully. Even though my stomach tightened up at the thought of food I nodded. She got up and I followed her out into the kitchen. I caught a glimpse into the lounge and saw Mikey talking to Taylor and Clara. Part of me wanted to go in there and yell at them again but one look from Mom convinced me otherwise.   
"What would you like? Some toast? Soup?"She asked me softly. I shrugged my shoulders and sat down at the table, staring at the grain of the wood.

Mom muttered something about soup and set about making me food. I couldn't eat. How could I eat? I was responsible for Frank's death. Nothing I said, felt or did would change that. Nothing.

*

The next two days passed by in a blur. I barely left my room. I had quit my job, hadn't talked to Jade, my therapist, in weeks, and I barely spoke to Mikey or Mom. On the third day after Frank's death though I forced myself to get up. Forced myself to shower. Forced myself to wear black and red. Forced myself to eat half a piece of toast. I had to be physically pushed down the hallway and into Mom's car though. Had to fight the urge to jump out of the car as it drove. Made myself hold back the tears as we arrived at the church. Mikey helped me out of the car and told me not to look as we passed the hearse. I kept my head down, not bothering to see who had turned up. I fucking hated funerals. The realisation that I met Frank at the last funeral I went to hit me and I sank into the nearest seat, tears flowing freely as the sound of his laughter echoed in my ears, his colours flashing through my mind.   
"Gerard?"Mikey sniffed,"Gerard come on we'll go sit at the front. Come on, Gerard,"Mikey tugged on my arm helplessly. I barely felt it. 

"Gerard?"A warm hand landed on my shoulder and I looked up suddenly. Through my tears I could make out Jade.  
"J-Jade?"I cried. I stood up and grabbed her, hugging her tightly and sobbing onto her shoulder. It took a while for me to get to the front of the church, watching as a group of men came and brought Frank's coffin in, opening the lid oncce it was settled. It was a shiny black and had a large boquet of red roses on top. He would have liked it at least. Taylor and Clara sat down in the front row on the other side of the church. And then someone I hadn't seen in three years walked in. Greg's wife and one of her son's. Pure anger started boiling up at the sight of them. From what Frank had told me, they thought he was scum. Worse than his old boss and that bitch, Monique or whatever. I stood up, fists clenched, and was about to march over but Mikey tugged me back down.  
"Not here Gerard. Think about your argument with Frank in the hospital. Just leave his family be."

I took in a deep steadying breath and looked forward as a church guy, pastor or whatever, stood at the podium behind Frank's coffin. He started rambling on about religion and ashes and dust. I tuned out and stared at a mark on the floor.   
"And now a close friend of Frank's, Gerard, will say a few words."  
His words pulled me out of my stupor, my head jerking up with whiplash to look at him.   
"What?" I croaked.  
"We thought you might want to say the eulogy?" Mikey said quietly.  
"Oh... Right. I'll uh go up there I guess," I mumbled. I stood up and walked around to the podium, not daring to look at Frank's lifeless face.

I stepped up to the podium and looked down at everyone. In the front row on the left side was Jade, Mom and Mikey. On the right side was Taylor and Clara. In the seats behind them all were a couple of people I didn't recognise, Greg's wife and Son and-  
"Who the fuck let you in here?" I said suddenly. There were a few murmurs of disapproval as Mikey appeared at my side.  
"Gerard what are you talking about? Are you sure you want to do this? You don't have to you know. What's going on? Why are you swearing?" He said it all in a rush but I barely noticed it. In the very backseat was that fucking bitch Frank used to work with. She knew I was looking at her as well. Everyone turned around to look at her.   
"Can someone get that fucking bitch out of here?" I growled. I didn't give a damn that I was swearing in a church, all I cared about was that Frank would never have accepted having her at his funeral.

"Who?"  
"That- that girl-" I gave up trying to tell him and went back down myself.   
"No- please let me stay," she whined.  
"Why the fuck should I let you stay? You made his life hell. You have no fucking reason to be here-"  
"I wanted to apologise to Frank!" she cut over me.   
"Well it's too late. I don't give a fuck if you feel bad or if you've seen the error of your ways, I want you to fucking leave," I spat at her.   
"Please just- let him know I'm truly and deeply sorry for what I did and said. I have never hated myself so much," she whispered, tears shining in her eyes. I felt no ounce of sympathy for her. She stood up and walked out of the church, whispers echoing around the room. I took in a deep breath and turned to see who was grabbing my hand. It was Jade.

She led me back up to the podium and gave my hand a squeeze before sitting back down. I cleared my throat and looked out again.   
"I uh... I don't have anything prepared... So this is probably gonna be shitty as but whatever. I'll just do it," I took in a deep breath and thought about Frank.   
"For those of you who don't know who I am, I am Frank's- was Frank's boyfriend. Frankie he... he was the best. He just-" I stuttered, struggling to put into words how much goodness Frank brought into the world.   
"Frank had a terrible life. He was constantly shoved away from people who were supposed to care about him and for that, he took his own life. But even though, he was slightly messed up in the head, and even though he cut himself, or cried for an entire day, he still managed to bring such a greatness into my life. He just infected you with happiness. His smile was contagious. His laugh was just- so fucking adorable," I smiled widely.

"Today is the second worst days of my life. The worst day of my life was when my Dad killed himself. But on that day, my Mom, my great, fantastic, brilliant and beautiful Mom, she told me something that I'm going to tell you all but changed to fit today. Frank never would have blamed anyone, it was what he wanted to do and it was his choice. It may not have been the best choice but it was his none the less and we had no say in it. Frank wouldn't have wanted us to mope about feeling guilty. He would have wanted us to move on and remember the good things about him and all the happy memories we had together. That is exactly what I'm going to do for that strangely familiar midget. I fucking loved him. I still do. And I will not let his memory be tarnished by people calling him ann 'emo faggot' or anything ridiculous like that. We have to remember his smile. The way he nodded his head when he listened to a song he loved. The way his tongue would poke out when he-" I choked on a sob in my throat, tears spilling over onto my cheeks,"when he would play video games. Frank Iero, I fucking love you. Forever and always."

I took in a few deep shuddering breaths and started walking down. Jade was immediately there to help me but I pushed her away. I went round to Frank's coffin and stared down at him. His hair was as dark as ever, his face clean. He looked peaceful. Tears dripped down onto his pristene face as I leant down and kissed him lightly on the lips.  
"I love you Frankie. I'm sorry I never said it," I whispered. I went and sat back down and stared at the floor again. Mikey's hand was on mine as there was scuffling around everywhere. My vision blurred as the tears fell heavier than ever. Before I knew it Mikey was telling me to follow him so we could bury him.   
"I never even asked him if he wanted to be buried or cremated. I should have asked him," I mumbled as I stumbled outside across the grass, between the gravestones, towards where everyone was congregating. I stopped and looked up. I couldn't do it. I altered off course and went and sat down at the base of a big tree, roots curling in and out of the dirt. 

Mikey looked like he wanted me to join them but Mom said something to him and they continued walking. I watched in silence, a few words wafting over in the breeze but not enough for me to know what was happening. Then Taylor stepped forward and sprinkled some dirt over his coffin. Clara, Mikey and Mom followed suit and then everyone was watching silently. After another minute they all slowly turned and started walking away. Mom, Mikey and Jade came over to me. I didn't want to get up. I just wanted to sit for a while.  
"I'm just going to stay here for a while," I croaked,"I'll walk home so you guys can go."  
"Do you have your phone on you? Text me when you want picking up okay?" Mikey looked down at me, nodding at me encouragingly.  
"Alright," I mumbled. They all mumbled words of condolences and left me alone. It took a while for the workers to actually finish burying Frank but once they had finished and had left, I made myself get up and go and sit by his grave. 

_Here lies Frank Iero, 21,_  
The sweetest guy to ever live,  
Taken too soon. 

_1992 - 2013_

I sat down and leant against his gravestone, the sun warming my tear stained face. After a few minutes of silence I found myself wanting to talk to Frank. So I did my best.  
"That girl from work wanted to come to your funeral. I don't know if you wanted her there or not but I assumed not because she was such a bitch, even if she was wanting to apologise..." I let out a sigh and stared at my dirty shoelaces,"Why, Frankie? Why would you do something like this?" I cried,"It was just a silly argument that- d- doesn't even mean anything now... Because you're gone. I don't want you to be gone Frankie. I want you to stay with me. Here. Light up my life with that smile of yours. But you can't anymore Because of a shitty life that you didn't deserve. This wasn't supposed to be the ending for you. You and I were supposed to go out with a bang. Have our own little 'fuck you' happily ever after. Fuck the haters and all that shit..." I wiped away my tears and closed my eyes,"I'm going to miss you so much Frank. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I was so alone... And I owe you so much..."

I stood up and dusted myself off. I took one last look at his section, bare of flowers and cards. I had my wallet on me so I started forming my new plan. And it started with buying my boyfriend flowers and a card.


	14. Epilogue

"I had a good day yesterday. I went to the movies with Mikey, Pete and Gabe. I think Mikey was desperate for me to come now that Pete and Gabe are together properly now. You should see them, they can't get enough of each other. Mom quit her job as well. She said she was sick of working nights all the time. She's already found a new job in a rest home not far from our place. She's really happy to be working there because she doesn't have to deal with the younger patients that think they own the world and everyone should be focused on making them better. The old people are just huge sweeties according to her. Umm what else good happened yesterday? Oh! I completely forgot! Mikey proposed to Alicia! She said yes and Mom cried. And! Far out yesterday was really great. There's gonna be a new Harry Potter series. Based on Newt Scalamander, the author of 'Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them'. I wish you were still here for it. We could have gone to see it together. It's gonna be fucking wicked. Also, last week I decided I'm gonna go back to California for a week to go to Comic Con. I'll take loads of pictures for you and make sure I meet the best people."

I let out a long sigh of contentment and looked around. It was the middle of spring and the trees surrounding Frank's grave were blooming with blossom and were spreading everywhere. It looked like soft pink snow. It was beautiful. It had been 4 months since Frank had died. It had been tough. But I was dealing. Life goes on. I had nothing to gain from getting as depressed as Frank was. I had nothing to gain from drinking and I had everything to gain from carrying on with life. I visited his grave every second weekend, replacing the old flowers with new ones. Occasionally Mikey or Mom will come with me to visit him but I'm usually by myself. 

A bird chirped loudly above me and let out some shit right next to my leg.  
"That's fucking disgusting. A bird just shat next to your grave," I snorted,"I need to get to work now, Frank. I just love dishing up ice cream for snot nosed little girls," I sighed. I had gotten my job back at Sweet Things after explaining to them what had been going on. My boss had been wonderful about it,"I guess I'll see you in two weeks then."  
I stood up and bent over to dust myself off, stumbling backwards into someone walking past like the dickhead I was.  
"Fuck I'm so sorry!"I shouted out as I struggled to right myself.  
"No no it's okay, don't worry about it," A deep voice said. I turned around to see a tall guy with long black hair coming down to his shoulders. He was wearing a Misfits t-shirt and had a bunch of bright red flowers in his hands. He also had a ridiculously cute smile. My stomach flipped around as he smiled widely at me from behind his dark sunglasses.

"You alright?" He asked me, pulling off his sunglasses to look at me closely.   
I blinked away the trance of his eyes and stuttered out,"Yeah. Yeah I'm okay."  
"I'm Bert."  
"Gerard."  
"Nice to meet you, Gerard. Who are you visiting?"Bert started walking and immediately I followed, not even thinking about when I decided to follow him.   
"I just visited my boyfriend. Well ex I guess. You?" I looked at him as we took a side route through some graves.  
"My Mom. She died last year,"Bert said casually.   
"I'm sorry to hear that."  
"Sorry to hear about your boyfriend."

We stayed quiet as we walked until he came to a stop next to a small gravestone. I was about to take a step back so Bert could do his thing when he looked at me and said,"Do you wanna grab a coffee sometime?"  
"I- sure,"I smiled.   
"Are you free today?"  
"I have to get to work. But tomorrow afternoon I'm free?"  
"Perfect,"He smiled widely at me. A few awkward seconds later we had exchanged numbers.  
"So I'm gonna let you uh.."I gestured to his Mom's grave and took a step back.  
"Yeah yeah. I'll call you tonight then, Gerard,"He smiled widely at me again, slipping his sunglasses back on to create a mysterious sexy look. I nodded stupidly and turned around to leave. As I walked down the path to the gate out of the cemetery I found myself grinning. It seemed like Frank would approve of this mysterious tall boy. With the sun warming my back and a smile on my face, I set off for work, the happiest I had felt since Frank's death. Mom was right. Life just goes on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So first off I owe you all an explanation as to why I killed off Frank. Whenever I read fanfiction, or not even fanfiction, just books in general, it /always/ ends with a happily ever after. I lost my virginity to my last boyfriend and because of all the fics and books I read, I had the wrong expectations so when me and my boyfriend broke up, I was devastated. Now I'm not exactly blaming fanfiction or books or anything like I fucking love a happy ending, but for once I just wanted it to end in tragedy but with the main character moving on. Because that's what happens. Life continues. I got a new job and found a new boyfriend. I'm happier with him than I was with my last boyfriend and now I regret wasting a week moping over my ex. I made Gerard move on with life because I'm trying to get the message across that yeah, terrible things may happen in your life, but being upset about them doesn't help you. Moving on helps you and doing things to make you happy help you. Which leads me to a very exciting announcement (for me at least) I'm going to rewrite this story so it's not Frank and Gerard and I'm going to submit it as a manuscript to a publisher so I can try and be published!!!! This is very huge for me because looking online at it all and planning the re-writing has made me realise just how long and how badly I've wanted this. I always thought I wanted to be a chef or own a cafe or something but now I've discovered that this is what I want to do professionally and it's all down to the amount of readers I get on my fics. 
> 
> I owe you all a huge thank you. I really do. You guys give me so much hope when you read my chapter and sometimes comment with thoughts or a mini-fangirl. It means the world to me and always motivates me to write, even if it is just a few sentences, you still inspire me and get the chapters done faster. Unfortunately for you, I won't be doing a sequel. I have too many fics I need to write and I also need to start with the rewriting of STFM so I really cannot continue with Gerard and Chesterton anymore, as much as I want to. I don't think I could do anything further with this anyway. Let's just say that Gerard finds his happy ever after with Bert and they move to New York or something. You decide. Have your own little fantasy, even if it involves nothing with Bert and Frank coming back from the dead to be with Gerard. I'm down for a little Spectrophilia (y'all ever read Anatomy of A Fall? Fucking amazing oh my good god). 
> 
> I'm not sure when I will be writing something new officially, I think I might just pop out a few oneshots every now and then. Maybe. We'll see. 
> 
> I hope you have all enjoyed reading The Strangely Familiar Midget just as much as I've enjoyed writing it. You guys mean the world to me. I really fucking appreciate you all and I;m so grateful that you chose to read my story. I love you.


End file.
